Milk from Water

The five basic points the yoga I practice returns to are: proper breathing, proper exercise, proper diet, proper relaxation... and “positive thinking and meditation”. I translate that for myself as proper mental health. 

Stilling your waves of anxiety is partly perspective. I don’t believe it is all just about “how you see things”. There is real work that needs doing, but you also need a framework that works specifically for you and your ego. For the voices in your head that judge, compare, motivate, and care for you. Yogis call this “Ishvara”. 

Real truth is too complicated and not constrained by human thought. We have limits to how we can see and understand. Within our limits, experience, and understanding, reaching for our own Ishvara is the closest we can possibly come. 

Yoga offers a wild array of stories and deities as options for you to choose something that resonates for you, as a tool. I chose Saraswathi... the goddess of creativity and learning. 

In meditative practice, you can focus on the various objects and symbols that are being held. Saraswathi sits on a Swan. The Yogic name I was given by the Swamis at my Teacher Training was Hamsa (the name for that Swan). 

“A hamsa can differentiate between milk and water. Give the bird a bowl with milk and water mixed, it will only drink the milk and leave the water alone. This signifies that the hamsa knows what is pure and what is not, and can separate the true extract from a mix of things.” 

The Swan’s self-grooming is seen as a metaphor for a knowledge seeker. 

For some people, mantras are useful. Coming back to a sound or idea, that gives you guidance. It doesn’t have to be obscure... you can just return to thinking about your breathing. It could be a mentor. Someone you have a conversation with when you realise you are not feeling okay. 

What you are doing is building a framework that works for you. A daily practice that allows you to exist in a world that constantly asks uncomfortable questions.

Slowing Down

“I’m slowing down the tune. I never liked it fast. You want to get there soon. I want to get there last” sang Leonard Cohen. Sometimes we need to pause, and take a breath. The destination isn’t the point, because we never arrive. “Bear insult, bear injury, highest Yoga. Bear insult, bear injury, highest Sadhana” sang Swami Sivananda. Yoga is union/joining. It is the stilling of the waves of the mind and heart. Sadhana is practice. The practice of seeing the union in everything. Of letting go of weighing and measuring the bits of everything, in comparison to each other. The biggest insult is often when people think we are failures. When we fail to meet their expectations. This is regularly because we are seduced by Conspicuous Progress. Outward signs of being very impressive. Successful. Most of the mental health work we need to do is internal. The waves only we get disturbed by, even when outwardly calm. The irony is that the insults of disrespect, dismissiveness, and derisiveness are probably a sign of the internal struggles of the person sending them out.

CREDIT: Kezban Özcan

Clarity and Transition

It is only possible for us to think of one thing at a time. We can do lots of things at the same time. Multi-tasking happens when it is not at the conscious level. But we can only think one thing at a time. Like playing a guitar, it then boils down to the clarity of the sound that comes out with each thought, and the smoothness of the transition. How much control do we have over which particular thought we are focused on, how long we focus on it, and what comes next? How much attention do we give to the various things we are conscious of? In the meantime we carry on doing things. Life goes on without a pause button. Josh Waitzkin talks of “numbers to leave numbers, form to leave form” for his approach to learning. Using numbers and form to get a picture of each thought, and how we swap between them. Stepping back and practising the clarity and the transitions. Eventually, the numbers and form soak in. They become deeper. The healthy mental approach becomes the healthy automatic behaviour. Life still goes on, but a little more musically.

Change the Sound

What you focus on isn’t all there is. Like most of us, I identify with the voice(s) in my head. That is “me”. The tricky narrator(s) with who I am in almost constant conversation with. If someone irritates me, it is often a projection of something that I am wrestling with. The same, I think, is true of when other people give us a hard time. It is an insight into what they voices in their head are saying. People who are harsh to others, are probably harsh to themselves. Those voice very often don’t reflect reality. They reflect various stories bouncing around. Various interpretations that are either useful, or kind, or not. It’s hard work trying to sort out what is what. Recently, I have been trying dancing instead. I have been doing 5Rhythms dance classes a couple of times a week. Running can do the same. Others swim. Anything to remind you that the voices aren’t you. You can mute them when they pretend they are.

Mute

Dancing the Truth

I don’t believe honesty is verbal. You can’t just vomit the truth. We aren’t always even conscious of our “truth”. We are all incredibly skilled at self-deception. It is a coping mechanism. The truth we experience is a story layered on reality in a way that we find useful. That story nudges our choices by creating habits. Scripts. Ways to respond to things that repeat. These are stories that are going on in the background with the mute button on. They have control, but we just scroll down our timelines looking for the cat memes. A lot of mental health work is about developing an awareness of your patterns. Over time. Gently. Even then, once you become aware of the patterns, the work has just begun. Our responses are deep soaked. Down to the way our finger tips talk automatically with our knees. Conversations built over years. Like learning new dance steps, you start slow and internalise the way you want to move. Then you practice every day.

Dance Class

Cutting Slack

One of my habitual sources of anxiety is the desire to “get it right”. I hate feeling like I have wronged someone – intentionally or not. In the workplace, this often led to me seeking permission by getting something right “in theory” first. The problem is theory and practice always turn out differently. Asking forgiveness (and cutting people some slack) is often far more effective than seeking permission. If we aren’t generous in our forgiveness, both to ourselves and others, it can be debilitating. A hesitancy can creep in where you feel the need to either ask first, or step back for the person (whose judgement you fear) to do it themselves. We all get things wrong. It is a fundamental part of learning, adjusting, adapting, accommodating, interpreting, and creatively dancing with what the world throws at us. The challenge is developing the skills of interpretative charity (assume people intend well) and the gift of the benefit of doubt (no one gets everything right – focus on the point people are making rather than the holes). The double challenge is being as kind to yourself as you try be to others.

Not the Problem

Narrative Therapy helps identify the story we tell ourselves to make sense of the world. There are a bunch of shared facts that form the foundations of our stories. When we bump into those facts, sometimes we are forced to change our views. But the juicy bits are personal and often bump proof. They can’t be shown to be wrong. I don’t interpret things the way you do. We interpret the meaning behind things in our own way. We layer intent. We have beliefs about the arch of the story. Where things are going. Why they are going there. Who is involved. Narrative Therapy helps practitioners articulate personal values, and identify their skills and knowledge so they can live by those values. With the motto of “the person is not the problem, the problem is the problem”, it develops the ability to become your life’s author. With the skill to edit things that aren’t helpful. A Bruce Lee like approach of “take what is useful, discard what is not, add what is uniquely your own”.

Always Editing

Mental Health

You don’t “go on a diet”. Diet is what you eat. We all eat. The question is, what is the quality of food you put in your mouth. The same is true of Mental Health. I don’t believe working on proper Mental Health is something you do when you have had a breakdown. It isn’t something you do when your relationships aren’t working, or you are wrapped with anxiety and behavioural problems because of a horrible childhood incident. Proper Mental Health is just one vital part of living a full and meaningful life. Making sure we are aware of the quality of our maintenance and upkeep. It’s all connected. What we put in our mouths. How we move our bodies. How we draw in and release breath. How we sleep, process, and recover. Looking after Mental Health isn’t a sign of weakness. It is a sign of the resilience and endurance necessary to release your own special creativity.

Into the Space

In her book “Sweat your Prayers”, Gabrielle Roth tells the story of an Indian cab driver who was asked how he survived the chaos of big City traffic. “I move into the space”. More Time and Space often feels like the one thing that is unobtainable, and yet we all have the same amount. Part of it is the big wet blanket of Success. Proving ourselves. Fighting for recognition. For justification. For excuses. For worth. The Mental Health work I am doing at the moment is outside of that world. I spend time running, twisting my Rubik’s cube, twirling on the Dance Floor, learning languages, and doing Tony Buzan style “Memory Work” (using the senses to create a filing system to help pay more attention). None of this seems “productive”. Gabrielle Roth points out that it takes a lot of discipline to be a free spirit. The space is there. But you do need to do the work to build a practice that lets you see it.

Let it Pass

Personally, I struggle to know how to support both myself and friends with Mental Health, more than I do with explicit “my leg is on fire” problems. Two of the challenges are time and personality based. Your leg being on fire is solvable. Quickly. Your leg being on fire doesn’t change “who you are”. Mental Health professionals are trained to handle and understand things that most of us aren’t equipped to. The best we can do is be good friends. Sometimes that is hard. Especially if the issue changes who our friend is, and we feel like the friendship becomes lopsided. The leg stays on fire. The friend stays absent. Heather Plett wrote a beautiful article on what it means to “hold space” for people, and how to do it well. My take home is that as a friend we shouldn’t treat mental health challenges as legs on fire. We all have to deal with the waves in our heads and hearts. We aren’t problems to be solved. To hold space for each other, we have to hold space for ourselves. It’s a dance. Somehow, it’s a case of seeing the beauty in the dance rather than feeling overwhelmed. Going with it. Breathing into it. Experiencing it, and letting it pass.  

Me in the Corner

A lot of my anxiety comes from a feeling of having let people down, or being in a corner. A lack of control over expectations. Being disempowered. I feel anxiety in my chest. A rise in temperature and a shortness in breath. I like the idea of Buffers. A feeling of comfort that I have the skills, knowledge, and capacity to deliver. Managing expectations allows you to take control. You still engage actively with the world, but whatever happens is a bonus. Something worth celebrating. Unfortunately, that isn’t how the things work, is it? We seem obsessed with meritocracy and playbooks of success. Inspired by the hero rather than the normal. Obsessed with promising in advance what is going to happen when we live in a world that is complex, ambiguous, and random. Weighing and measuring everyone rather than seeing them. I like feeling seen. I am often lost in the grass. Thoughts and actions all over the place with a general sense of direction that only I am comfortable with. “Comfortable with”. Mental Health is a team sport. When we see each other, we are empowered to surrender into the chaos. To return to room temperature and breathe.

Nobody puts Baby in the corner

Creating Space

One of the techniques used in teaching people to draw is to forget the object. Draw the negative spaces. Don’t draw the chair. Draw the shapes – between, around, above, below. The chair emerges. One of the techniques used in embodied meditation is to dance with the spaces. Let the spaces be your partner. Mental Health is partly about creating space. How do we create space for exercise, healthy eating, breathing, relaxation and positive thinking when we are so busy? Perhaps we are trying too hard to meet expectations? Perhaps we are too focused on success? Part of creating space is just seeing the spaces that are already there. A different perspective. But that is too easy. You are still drawing a chair. You are still dancing. You still want to have purpose. There is still work to do. Do the work. But see the space. Feel the space. Draw from it. Dance with it.

A sketch of a chair by Vincent Van Gogh

Welded Shut

I grew up in a culture where self-reliance was highly prized. Letting someone into the voices in your head and heart admits that not everything is under control. There is only so much energy to be allotted, and telling someone you have had, or are having, difficulties feels like a request for help. Emotional scarcity. I don’t want to do that. I want to not only deal with my share, but have some left over to be the rock for others. I don’t like feeling needy. I don’t want to let the team down. I want people to feel confident enough in me to pass me the ball. I particularly don’t like feeling disrespected. To a fault. My behaviour can be quite childish if I feel like someone is trying to alphamale me. Even more so if someone is bullying someone else. Sometimes someone caring for you feels like a form of hierarchy. When you open up, people often feel compelled to give advice rather than just listen. It can be unclear if the response then flips the tables, like by speaking you need to let the listener take the wheel because you are admitting weakness. For their sake. So, it is easier to keep quiet. A buddy of mine always used to say, “I would cry, but my tear ducts are welded shut by toughness.”

US Army Welder

Calling Cape Town

I started seeing a psychologist once a week about a year ago. I have always been transparent and honest with my friends, read about mental health issues, and have regularly kept a journal, but never actually spoken to a professional. I am a bit of a cheap bastard a lot of the time (spending is firing my money), and friends are “free”. I also worried about finding someone with a resonant world view. I know therapists aren’t supposed to bring their stuff, but it is hard not to. I eventually found someone through a friend. A South African lady I talk to once a week via Skype. It has really helped. Constructive listening where I have permission in a container to release the voices in my head and heart. “Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always”. It is hard to pick the words even in intimate relationships to be fully transparent. There is too much on the line. Having someone I can speak to in depth about anything is a real privilege.

Getting Better

Rachel:

I don't really understand the fuss that was made about the Gillette advert. It simply says we shouldn't treat each other badly. It shows a particular brand of fragility that so many people have pushed back on it. They accuse us of being Snowflakes, and then they are so easily triggered by a polite request to be better. I like it when companies use their platforms for good. Like this, and the Nike adverts and the Nandos adverts. It certainly beats the American ads which are half disclaimers about how the drugs they are selling will make bits of your body fall off.

Tracy:

I didn't like the ad. I find it worrying that Social Movements can be so easily co-opted by Corporates and trivialized. This is a difficult conversation that needs having. It feels similar to the American division in News Media. Years ago, everyone would have watched the same channel and had a view. Now each side gets different facts and reacts. Companies now seem to be picking sides. Even though I agree with you that which 'side' seems obvious here. I also worry that this ad makes out as if the issue is important because it affects men too. We can't deal with #MeToo without saying #ToxicMasculinity harms men.

Peter:

I didn't like the ad for the reasons Rachel says... but am one of those reverse-Snow Flakes if that is the binary choice. It's all just a bit too much, to be honest. All this stuff about Privilege and blah, blah, blah. I get it, but isn't there a time limit on that? Can't people start taking some responsibility for sorting their own stuff out? I really think Jordan Peterson is nailing it. What is wrong with being the traditional male? Without being a dick. Having muscles and enjoying a barbecue isn't toxic. Messing around on the playground is how you learn resilience in a world that isn't fair. A world that isn't safe. It is not just Peterson who makes sense in this space. It isn't a Right-wing push back. If you look at some of the work of David Deida, and others in the spiritual space, having a balance between Masculine and Feminine energies is important. We can't all just have a cry about it when life gets hard. Someone has to provide the backbone. Even if it is the Woman that Mans up.

Michelle:

It's all about choice. I have read some of the Deida stuff and it makes me cringe just as much as the Peterson work. I think the Male/Female divide is lazy. It is how we have always done it, and there are certainly strengths and weaknesses we associate we men and women, but aren't there other words?  The word 'Bridge' is feminine in German, and masculine in Spanish (strong, sturdy, towering). Even when speaking English, German speakers will tend to describe Bridges using feminine adjectives (beautiful, elegant, fragile) and Spanish speakers will use masculine ones (sturdy, strong, towering). We get so deep soaked in expectations that it isn't really a choice. We are making progress on women making "masculine" choices, but boys are still restricted from making "feminine" choices and expected to adhere to positive masculine requirements - strength, provision, stoicism.  

Arno:

There are some hard discussions. In the past there was a play book. Rather, there were playbooks. Everything is now up for discussion, and the world has profoundly changed. 200 years ago, most children died before their fifth birthday. We were mostly poor farmers. We have gone through an industrial revolution where most of us were workers, and then in rich countries we have gradually moved out of our bodies and into our heads.  The playbook has been burned. Most of us grew up in sexually repressed religious cultures that were sexist, homophobic, racist, and xenophobic. You don't need to look further than previous generations to get your cringe on. Maybe we should all just cut each other a little slack and figure this mess out.

Rachel:

Isn't it simpler than that though? We do tolerate negative behaviour from men. We do live in a world where women are fearful, because that is completely rational. They should be scared. We do live in a patriarchal world where there is a pay-gap, and woman are restricted from progressing in the work place in the way men are. Even if on paper they are "allowed", culturally woman are expected to work as if they aren't mothers, and be mothers as if they don't work. Expected to thrive in a male world, while still being feminine. This push back strikes me as a lack of willingness to change that.

Tracy:

There is an element of whataboutism going on here. As Rachel says, there may be other issues but that constantly brings the discussion back to Men. I don't like the trivialisation of the ad, but the #MeToo and #ToxicMasculinity discussions are important. There has to be a way we can have these discussions where an issue gets addressed fully, without each garden path being followed.

Peter:

Ok, but that has to work both ways. We need to be softer on boys, but we also need to be harder on girls. Sometimes you do need a bit of grit to push through, rather than a cuddle. I have seen too many examples where when life gets hard, people opt out. Life is hard. For the people at the top, life is often awful in many ways. Make the choice sure, but then accept the consequences. The only reason they do it is because of the Kudos we often attach to people able to be "Toxic". I don't buy this Choice stuff. You can't have everything. Choice sometimes requires a partnership with someone else who will do the stuff you aren't prepared to do. If you want to Yin, someone has to Yang. Someone has to take out the Garbage. Someone has to fix the toilet.

Rachel:

Sure, but it sounds like you aren't acknowledging the problems. You have jumped directly to why men have it hard. Men have always had the platform. Maybe it is time that we focused the attention elsewhere.

Peter:
I am not Men. I am Peter. Half my ancestors are women. A big chunk of the reason things stay the way they are, is because women are half the parents, and want them to stay the way they are. I don't dispute the problems. I just don't think the public discussion is very nuanced. A lot of people who feel differently about this would rather just crack on with stuff that needs doing than make a lot of noise about it in public. It seems some people choose to be activists, and some people choose to take action.

Tracy:
We can at least be grateful that we are at this messy stage of the discussion, and action is being taken. We are also 50/50 committed to a solution, as you say. Still not sure I like Corporates triggering the chat, but maybe it is a positive that the discussion follows.

Just One Fifty

We have limited capacity. Limited time. Limited attention. Limited energy. The power of this is that we will make different mistakes. Mistakes are the foundation of resilience in an unpredictable world. With perfect knowledge of the future, doing what works again is sensible. With a complex, ambiguous, and uncertain world... small, regular, reversible mistakes are strength. 

Financial Empowerment (Ending Poverty) and Mental Health (Relationship Building) are my areas of focus. In 'Factfulness', Hans Rosling identifies five key threats we are wrestling with. Global Pandemic (the rampant spread of a disease in a connected world), World War (with weapons that could wipe us all out), Financial Meltdown (with the systems that keep us cooperating breaking down), Climate Change (where the resources and environment that sustain us breaks down), and Absolute Poverty (where Billions are excluded from the opportunities our ancestors built). These huge challenges facing 7.5 Billion people seem way to big to wrap our heads and hearts around.

It also means there are 7.5 Billion other heads and hearts facing the same challenges. The resilience, endurance, and creativity can come from everywhere. How do we narrow down and choose our own particular area of focus?

I am attempting to do that by joining others to build a Community of 150 People. 'Dunbar's Number' gives a (relatively arbitrary) number to the limit of our ability to develop stable social relationships. A group of people where you can know everyone, and know how everyone knows everyone. Where you can develop an understanding of the group's values, skills, and knowledge. An understanding of the group's story.

This should allow the ability to put names, faces, and stories to massive problems. Instead of 'X million people' don't have access to electricity, clean water, safety etc., it becomes a person. Mike doesn't have a bank account. Kerishnie doesn't know how to put a C.V. together. Thandiwe is old, and lonely. It also allows relationship building with people to be done in a sensitive, peer-to-peer, way.

We have a horrible history of 'Civilising Missions'. Where people with Saviour Complexes have attempted to spread their truth roughshod over established beliefs and strengths. Helping sensitively is hard. It is a minefield. Not to treating people as problems or projects. Regularly reflecting on the real intentions behind our actions. Unwinding our unknown prejudices.

I believe a group of 150 is sufficiently small for us to stretch ourselves. The 'Six Degrees of Separation' theory, is that all 7.5 Billion of us are connected by just 6 relationships. One knows Two, who knows Three, who knows Four, who knows Five, who knows Six, who knows Seven. That viral spread of knowledge lets what we learn benefit everybody. In a group of 150, we can try get the balance right between Local and Global. Stretching ourselves enough that we don't snap the 'Peer-to-Peer' connection. Enough common ground to see each other, enough different perspective to create a discomfort from which we can learn.

Those big risks we face are daunting. We need to break them down into bites. We need to look after ourselves, and each other. I believe that starts with Community Building. 7.5 Billion people is a lot of people to care for. How would the problem change if you focus on just One Fifty? How would you build that One Fifty?

Six Relationships

See Me

I started seeing a Psychologist about 4 months ago. Mental Health is a touchy subject. We know how to deal with legs that are on fire. Throw water, or smother in a blanket if it is from oil. We know how to deal with visiting people in the hospital, or how to bring soup to people in bed. The difference with Mental Health is you aren't really 'sick', you are human.

Being a human is hard. 'Nothing is either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so' said Bill. I half agree... We can perceive the world in any way we want. We create our realities, but there are tools to help us create healthily. These tools are useful for people who are healthy already. They aren't just available to us when we break.

I have these kinds of conversations with close friends too. There is a subtle difference though. The focus for this hour is me. It isn't a dance. I do most of the speaking, and I am making no effort to 'keep the balance'. Friendships are normally based on mutual interest. No one likes someone who just speaks about themselves. We are interested in people who are interested in us.

On a regular basis, here is another human being trying to 'see me' without any other agenda. She asks questions about what is important to me. She asks questions about who I care about. She asks questions about what has happened to me, and how I responded. How I would like to respond. What world I would like my thinking to make so. Gently. Gradually. Deeply. 

Much of the way we respond isn't conscious. It is deep soaked. Our knowledge is 'Tacit'... we can't always explain what we know, and what we think we know. I am finding it really helpful to have another set of eyes and ears to dive into that with me. To understand the things I can. To let go, with confidence, of the things I can't.

You don't have to be sick to look after yourself. You don't have to do life alone.

You don't have to snap

Solvency and Endurance

Wealth and Income are only clues as to someone's financial strength. You have to look through the smoke (debt) and mirrors (signals of confidence). Solvency is the accounting measure for whether someone's assets are bigger than their debts. When the water flows back, are they nightswimming? Genuine Solvency allows Endurance. The ability to make it through droughts and tough patches where others would falter. To be the last one standing when new rains arrive. Solvency doesn't have a lot to do with activity. On the surface, the activity is not affected. To the world, nothing appears different. Our ability to endure is based on our internal reserves. Our inner strength. Our ability to look after ourselves when things go horribly wrong. What you can see isn't always what matters.

Mental Health and Empowerment

Mental Health is about Endurance and Resilience. Empowerment is about Creativity. Without a strong Mind-Body, we are caught in a spin of Ohrwurms, aches, pains and regret. We stop breathing. Without a strong Mind-Body, we are unable to cope with short-term bumps and batterings (Resilience), and can't hold a little bit back to stay in the game (Endurance). Without Mental Health, it becomes impossible to be Creative. Connections require Creativity. Through 'sensuality, movement, association, sexuality, humour, imagination, numbers, symbolism, colour, order, positivity and exaggeration' we create a web of meaning with our creativity. A web of connections. That starts with looking after ourselves. With looking after each other. It starts with Mental Health and Empowerment.

Mind Body

Mental Health

I had my first session (ever) with a Psychologist yesterday. Mental Health and Empowerment are the two 'big ticket' areas I spend time thinking about. I have lots of very caring friends and family who are willing to listen. Normally it is a relationship. Give and take. This is the first time I have created a space that is one way support. Like everyone, I am working through some 'Cornerstone Events' that still create obstacles for me. On top of that, life doesn't seem to throw one challenge at a time. At the moment, I feel like I am getting more than my fair share. There is no such thing as fair though. Perspective helps - my problems are far more manageable than others. But perspective doesn't remove the need for resilience. I very much believe in normalising Mental Health challenges. English probably lacks the words - vulnerable, fragile, struggling - all imply a need for pity. Strong and Weak aren't opposites. We don't need pity. We do need each other.