Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Captain of Your Relation'ship' (by Genna-Wae Webster)

In writing a blog about several topics in which I admit to being a complete beginner, I am going to have to rely heavily on the people I am writing for who cummulatively know most of what I am likely to learn already. Hopefully I can connect some of the dots and perhaps add something at the edge. I would love it if some of you found the time to write a guest post on the subject of happiness or learning. The framework I use for thinking about these things is what I call the '5 + 2 points' which includes proper (1) exercise, (2) breathing, (3) diet, (4) relaxation, (5) positive thinking & meditation, (+1) relationships, (+2) flow. Naturally if you would like to write about something that you think I have missed, I would love to include that too. If you are up to doing something more practical, it would be awesome if you did a 100 hour project and I am happy to do the writing based on our chats if that is how you roll.

So... introducing my first guest blog post! I met Genna-wae Webster during school years in Westville, South Africa. She is still flying the flag proudly in Durbs. She describes herself as an oddball who doesn't need the confirmation of others to live her life how she wants. Her blog title 'No Wae' came from people always saying that when they met her as a teen. Genna-wae is the owner of S.A.M and WaeWest couture. Relationships are clearly an essential part of our happiness. Not just romantic ones, but with friends, family and the community around us. Although I took a stab at writing on the topic in 'Happily Ever After', Genna-wae takes a different perspective. Take it a-wae...


Being the Captain of Your Relation'ship'
Originally posted 15 November 2014 on www.nowae.blogspot.com
Genna-wae Webster (@waewest)

Relationships are a journey. Anyone who tells you they are easy or that their partner is perfect is lying to you and possibly themselves. No human being is flawless. We are varying degrees of complicated with diamond in the rough habits we have picked up along the way. That's not to say that you should give up the search for your perfect mate and sow your wild oats instead (although there is also nothing wrong with that, it's very much a "whatever works for you" society these days). All I am saying is we have levels of tolerance that we owe to ourselves to embrace more openly.

A perfect mate may not be out there but a perfect person for this moment is. You have to go easy on yourself and the people you encounter. After all it's not like you are perfection incarnate either. If you can find someone who enhances your best traits so that you are less flawed than before then you are on the right track. This is however a two-way street and you should not be going in with the expectation that this is forever. Nothing ever is. It's about how you grow and develop with the people in your life.

I am not saying all of this to rain on your parade. If you live your life in utter ignorance you are asking for trouble and failure to prepare for the possibility of change will leave you behind wondering what the hell happened. That is why living your life for yourself with your partner being your accessory in a sense will mean a less restrictive and dependent relationship for both sides. I'm not being all female power now when I say this. Understand that women are limited because we have been conditioned for thousands of years to be submissive and it will take some time for us to be "OK" with not assuming the maternal role to fill the mommy-issue void in your man's life.

If we can outgrow our friendships as we evolve, why would you think your marriage is safe? There is definitely something in the air right now. Or some sort of mental planetary alignment. A friend was saying its the build up to the silly season. People all around me are breaking up, fighting, saying things in a way that is not being direct. Passively aggressive behaviour is the ultimate level of poor communication. Firstly, I am going to see you are upset but because you have not been direct with me to start I am going to antagonize you further to get you to be honest. Confrontation is not a bad thing and has been given a bad rep. It means we are able to talk civilly about what is upsetting us. To avoid confrontation only leads to further drama. And I have no time for anyone's drama, especially when it can be resolved swiftly with a simple conversation.

So I say again, marriage isn't easy. As much as we take people for a test drive these days, circumstances are going to come into play that will change our behaviour. The more stressed we get, the poorer our communication. The less communication, the less intimacy. The less intimacy, the more your relationship fall apart. So men, as much as you don't think you need to chat with your partner, she really wants you to. I read an article recently that I will add the link below for. It was about relationships and the studies that had been done on the fundamental requirements when it comes to establishing a lasting relationship. It is amazing how quickly the things they mention can start to happen in your relationship if you aren't ready for it, you aren't self assured because you rely on your partner for your own happiness and you put your head in the sand rather than face the truth, the inevitable divorce will be on the horizon if you don't take counter measures to deter it.

Acknowledging the possible truth, albeit a negative one, doesn't mean it's a sad demise to what you had together. The beauty of any relationship is that power to still be drawn to your partner no matter what. If they are right for you, you will face these harsh realities so you can turn it back to what you once had. The best part about that, is that you get to find each other again. We may always be who we are but we will never be the same person each day we walk this earth. Take some solace in knowing that all will be well if you can grow together or help each other stay the right path by taking turns to captain your relation'ship'.

A lasting relationship study:
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