Relax into Discomfort

The process of learning and engaging with the craziness of the world creates trials where it is okay to make errors. When you are in an environment where you have confident control over the risk of ruin. 

It is not a big deal if things go wrong. You want to be surprised. Like a child who delights in things not going in the way they expected. You can incorporate that learning and curiously see what is going to happen when you again poke the unknown. Confident in the ability to relax into discomfort to create powerful questions. 

This is something I have to work on. I find that when you care, and like caring, it can create tension. Those I care about the most sometimes don’t get the best version of me because I care so much. When something becomes so important that nothing else matters, humour can disappear. You can lose the things you care about most because you are trying too hard. 

One of the ideas I have wrestled with is “unconditional love”. The lack of boundaries can ironically mean it is impossible to relax. I don’t like the idea of escape hatches. I think you need to do the work when things go wrong. You can’t build if you are constantly restarting. 

Returning to some basic self-care, and holding onto the ability to repair, recover, and regenerate, can increase the capacity for commitment. Awareness of the limits of temporary learning, and when retreat is necessary. 

You don’t need to learn through pain. Controlled stress is sufficient. Playing within limits, and having a good sense of what limits you are comfortable with. Part of investing is taking risks, but you are not rewarded for taking risks. You are rewarded for adding value. 

The key to a powerful timeframe is self-awareness, self-knowledge, self-love, and returning to a foundation of basics.

Regeneration

Holy and Holey

I work on a sense of union, so I can view everybody's worldview as a part of mine. Even just a part to understand. That means practicing constantly letting go, because the parts I didn’t understand are who I used to be. 

The goal being to build up resilience by unpacking my identity. Unpacking the things that I hold on too tightly to. Constantly coming back to working on the skill to adapt, adjust, and accommodate. “When events change, I change my mind. What do you do?” said Paul Samuelson. 

You will have no choice. You will have to adapt. The world changes and there is nothing you can do about that. Sometimes the harder we hold on to things, the more likely we are to lose them. 

I am the worst version of myself when I am desperate. My sense of humour goes, and I become earnest and intense. Building a capacity to accommodate the views of others, and changing scenarios, is ironically an easier way to hold on to the things you really care about. A way to pick your battles. Building resilience is a way not to put at risk the things that really matter, for the things that ultimately don’t. 

Having a good sense of the few things that are important, which allow you flexibility with awareness of barriers, boundaries, and borders around your core. 

You can keep some things holy, as the base of your story. Allowing you a calm foundation. Keep the rest holey, to let the air in for breath. To feed the flames of creativity.

Being Reduced

My primary objection to hand-to-mouth living and anyone being reduced to a productive asset, is the inability to see each other. Whether it is reduction to money, muscles, and sperm. Or reduction to feeding, caring, and reproduction. Breadwinner. Homemaker. I don’t object to any of the things that need doing. Just to us being defined by the things that need doing, or forgetting the reason why we are doing the things that “need” doing. 

You may get marriages where the couple never see each other, but one pays the bills and the other holds their world together. Some would call that a good team. I call BS. Unless that is truly what you want… then I have no problem with that. Other than the risk involved if that world gets bumped. That is not what I want. 

I love deep conversations. I love “democratic goods”… things that are valuable but cost very little because they are plentiful rather than scarce. It’s not that I don’t like scarce goods or see their value. It is more the trade-offs that take the shine off. How much time do I sacrifice for those things? What conversations do I miss out on? What are the unintended consequences of choosing to work for that thing? What we do matters. 

Our actions have consequences. Consequences connect and build. Constraints, boundaries, and agreements create and destroy the worlds we experience, and how we see each other.

Reducing the Sauce

Comfort within Discomfort

Find comfort within discomfort. That does not mean pushing through pain. With yoga and stretching, to progress, you do not need to hurt yourself. You can learn within limits. You can learn by understanding the boundaries, and doing the work inside of that. Playing, and moving around, in your areas of slight discomfort. Be curious about transitions that are not smooth.

A lot of meditative work can be done through movement and dancing. Being aware of, “Ooo, this bit there is tight. I am going to move my shoulder more. I am a bit stiff in my lower back, I am going to do some moving there.” It is about understanding where you carry your tension. You can go for a run. A swim. Lift your arms over your head. Pick something up. Reach for something. Our minds learn in the way our body does. Through an embodied use-it-or-loose-it process of leaning into areas of discomfort (without hurting yourself) and building endurance and resilience. Through consistent engagement.

Twist and Breathe

The Word "No"

“No one expects the dramatic Trevor John”, says my friend Stuart. I am generally a positive and optimistic person, but I have had to work very hard at the skill of Detachment. Detachment doesn’t mean not caring, it just means not caring too much. Not allowing any single thing to be more important than everything else. Allocating appropriate attention, but not more. I wear my heart on my sleeve a little too much for the Corporate Environment sometimes. Another friend's favourite trick was to “Poke Trev” before I went into my Annual Reviews. To touch me on my Righteous Indignation. I could easily take work too seriously, and insist on too much consistency. Sometimes you need to play the game. I wasn’t good at that. I don’t like that companies can treat people as disposable. As simple transactional inputs where there isn’t balanced negotiating power between ordinary people and the powerful “legal people” we create. The only real way to detach is to have an independent source of power. The word “no”.

Perpetually 'On'

One of the best parts of my period of 'independence' was not having to check emails. My inbox was no longer my onbox that determined much of what I needed to do each day. I was able to wake up, and be micro-ambitious. One of my 'mini projects' was getting fit, and so I would pick a place to do my writing and walk to it. I would put on an audio book and head out. I felt super productive, even though I had far fewer big goals. Each day, I was a little fitter, and had learnt and shared a little something.

One of my key ambitions was to be 'the guy with time'. Available for conversation. I have a chip on my shoulder about how busy everybody is, and how much we super specialise.

I fully buy into the value of focusing on areas of 'Comparative Advantage' in a world of scarcity, but there have to be clear constraints. We can't be perpetually on. Perpetually available. 

In exchange for not being available for certain periods, you can be fully present when you are available. A friend described it as 'I would rather be 100% present 80% of the time, than 50% present 100% of the time.'