Polis Smous

I started my career in Finance in South Africa and the United Kingdom during two watershed moments. Just after the bursting of the Internet Bubble, and during the cracking of the walls around endowment policies and remuneration of Insurance Sales. Endowment Policies pay a lump sum after a specific term or on death. They combine investment and risk cover. The sales people often were not professional financial advisors giving appropriate advice. They were remunerated up front, in commission. If the client stopped paying their premiums, or another “Polis Smous” (Policy Hawker) convinced them to churn/swap, there were big, indefensible, clawback penalties. The scandal made the environment ripe pickings for “Pure” investment or risk products, and saw a massive professionalisation of the advice industry. Allow time to pass, and even the pure grow and get legacy skeletons in their closet. The constant trade off between starting from scratch, and keeping the good bits of the old way of doing things. As the environment changes, we need to change. The question is whether we are brave enough to be transparent and honest.

Handle the Truth

Senior Management often bemoan the lack of useful information in references and exit interviews. The tendency is for most letters of reference to reduce to confirming the dates someone worked there. For fear of litigation. Other obstacles to honesty are that people don’t want to impede the chances of being hired. Which includes the next job. If you leave a job because you are unhappy, being honest about the reasons can burn bridges when looking for a fresh start. Particularly if the honesty affects the quality of reference being received. Money is made in containers. Meritocracy with the caveat of loyalty and natural self-interest. Protecting the container, and the individual’s space in that container, comes first. In an ideal world you could let it all hang out. Honest reflection on toxic behaviours, structural cultural obstacles, and areas for personal and corporate development. In reality, honesty only comes when there is an existing commitment to each other. An interest in each other’s futures and willingness to do the work. Honesty is built on a shared ownership of the future. Don’t moan about not receiving the truth, if you can’t handle the truth.

Building Bridges

Playing the Corporate Game involves not burning bridges. When it comes to interviews, reviews, and exit discussions, senior people will regularly bemoan the lack of honest, meaningful, feedback. Honest  feedback isn’t the same thing as true feedback. We are all projecting our stuff. So if your feedback is pointed, it is often a reflection on you. That is why people know to hold back. Otherwise they are exposing their bits. Honesty will get held against you in promotions, compensation, and the quality of references you are given. Many references simply confirm the work dates. Many “weaknesses” are “I am a bit of a perfectionist”. So I get why people don’t want to talk about their black lives matter experiences in white majority companies. They don’t want to be the idiot who takes the request at face value. Smart people know that when a boss says, “This is my view, but it’s your decision”. They mean, “Just do what you are told”, but want to lie to themselves that they can delegate. Corporates like delegating responsibility, but not authority. Few people will take responsibility for why we are having the black lives matter conversation. People will be honest when bosses stop playing games.

Turning on the Lights

A reasonable definition for Politics would be “the management of information asymmetries to get the desired outcome of a particular tribe”. I know more than you. I want something different to you. I am going to win. Whether in the staffroom, boardroom, or changeroom, if there is more than one pulse there is normally Politics. It is also very similar, however it is dressed up, because it is the balancing of competing desires. I am in favour of universal empowerment because it reduces the obligation to do stuff for people in the dark. An independently strong foundation to retreat to is a powerful underlying safety net. It empowers the word No, and in doing so, makes the word Yes more meaningful. Enthusiastic, informed consent. When things are swapped (or a thing and some money), value is created if both parties know all they need to know and are better off after the swap. If the story changes when you switch on the lights, it is not a story worth telling.

Edinburgh Torch Procession

Shining Light

Green Grass

When you are 18 you pick a romantic partner based on how they look and whether they make you laugh. By 30, what matters is how they pack the dishwasher. For better or worse, I am a believer that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s just different. We all come with our own set of stuff that will drive someone else nuts. The more we love them, the more nuts. It is about putting in the work together to create the space necessary to build the lives we want to live. It’s a daily practice. I believe honesty is vital in relationships, but that words are inadequate and hard. Honesty is allowing the time and space to gently unpack and tidy. To nudge. To plan. To hold. To weed. To plant. To water. To dance. Things get (and stay) a little crazy. My Aunt says you should always come back to a buffer of kindness and respect. My Aunt is a smart Tannie.

Calling Cape Town

I started seeing a psychologist once a week about a year ago. I have always been transparent and honest with my friends, read about mental health issues, and have regularly kept a journal, but never actually spoken to a professional. I am a bit of a cheap bastard a lot of the time (spending is firing my money), and friends are “free”. I also worried about finding someone with a resonant world view. I know therapists aren’t supposed to bring their stuff, but it is hard not to. I eventually found someone through a friend. A South African lady I talk to once a week via Skype. It has really helped. Constructive listening where I have permission in a container to release the voices in my head and heart. “Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always”. It is hard to pick the words even in intimate relationships to be fully transparent. There is too much on the line. Having someone I can speak to in depth about anything is a real privilege.

Bottom-up Who

Adam Smith favoured local market exchanges because of Tacit Knowledge. Explaining our needs and wants is difficult. Conveying that information up a chain of command without it breaking even harder. When problems are scaled, they are also abstracted. We use categories and prejudices to create theoretical ideas of who people are, and what they want. The best way to find out what someone wants is to ask. Not in a survey. Not even in a direct question. Ask by being part of the community. Honesty is time spent. Instead of decisions being made in a board room, based on crude scribbles and interpretations… bottom-up decisions release information. To create value from the bottom up, you don’t need to have all the information. You just need two parties and an agreement. All businesses start with a who. Who starts at the bottom. With a name, a face, individuality, and relationships. 

Beware Central Decisions

Making Up

Trev:

Competence and Confidence are guys' version of Make-Up and Fashion. Trying to understand why men struggle expressing vulnerability is similar to understanding why even modern women still tend to beautify themselves. We still seem trapped in the behaviours that are deep soaked into us. If I show vulnerability, it feels like I am asking for a response. It doesn't feel like I am able to just say, "Yes, this is difficult. I don't want input. I don't need help. Just expressing what is going on is sufficient". For the most part, this disturbs the illusion that all is under control. I hate feeling like people are worried about me. It seems connected to whether they respect me or not. I get that respect is supposed to come from within, but that isn't the way any of the communities I have ever operated in work. Respect is the currency.

Sacha:
Sharing the thoughts and feelings going on in your head doesn't mean you are asking for help. It is just letting down the filter. It helps us all realise that everyone is struggling. Otherwise we get a Facebook Profile version of everyone's lives full of exciting holidays, smiley moments, and great successes. We don't hear from the people who get back from work on a Friday night absolutely shattered, feeling lonely, but without the energy to reach out to anyone. Perhaps they have been working so hard, they haven't even invested in friendships enough to be able to reach out. Maybe if the picture that was painted in what we share was more honest, then it wouldn't be something people need to hide.

Richard:
Except the world is designed for winners. The news we follow is about the winners. The Motivational Speakers we hear from are the guys who get up at 5am, run a half-marathon, and then do more before their morning tea break than most people do in a week. We read books about people who have built Businesses. We watch ultra-athletes from around the world performing spectacular feats that are much easier to watch from the couch than to try an emulate. We are constantly being measured, and like it or not, Men are still not really allowed to opt out. Then you are a loser. And losers lose.

Francois:
So why take any notice of that rubbish? It is all in the mind anyway. You choose your own reality. You control the way you respond to the world, and how you feel about it. We all end up dust anyway. Nothing you do really matters. It just seems like it matters. Just make different choices. Feel deeply. Express your weakness confidently.  You'll find, like Sacha says, that you are not alone. The way you feel things is your own, but it is a combination of feelings others have. We are one big web of emotions and actions and reactions and just letting go is a powerful way of actually engaging with the world more strongly.

Arthur:
You lost me there. The traditional model works. If you fight it, it will be more complicated. If you are a man, your job is to be a provider. Your job is to build a solid foundation around which others can thrive. Most great men had huge internal struggles, but they didn't go around have a cry about it. Life is hard? And so? Get on with it. Your boss doesn't give you credit? So? Work harder and start your own company if you don't like working for someone else. You aren't doing the work you like? And so? You made bad choices when you were younger. Take the pain and find out what skills you need to do thing you to get there. Long hours? Shame. Would you like a hug? No. Do what you need to do.

Mary:
That is harsh. Why do you think so many Men crack if you put that kind of pressure on them? To think that you can't express vulnerability and still be successful is ridiculous. There is more to life. The idea that men won't be attractive if they don't come across as competent and confident is also a bit backwards. Authenticity is incredibly attractive. Faking might get you through the door, but if you are talking about building a life the is something sustainable, then you will eventually get found out.

Trev:
I am comfortable opening up about my struggles, but I do have to work on a fairly deeply wired defensiveness. If I open up and then someone proceeds to give me advice, I actually start feeling a little sick. I value my self-sufficiency. I really like being able to make decisions for myself. As soon as someone gives me feedback, it feels like I have to implement it or they will stop giving it. Feedback with strings. I approach ambiguity, uncertainty, and complexity in a fairly detached way. I try be decisive knowing that I will often be wrong. Making small decisions that have limited unintended consequences. Opening up sometimes makes me have to justify myself.  Sometimes opening up feels more like something I am doing for the other person, than something I need myself. I don't actually feel like it.

Paul:
Feedback is incredibly helpful. Most advice is advice to ourselves. You should take it as that. The person can only see the thing your are sharing through their own context. Their advice can only be a projection of their own anxieties, baggage, and world view. You can hold what they say lightly. Sharing doesn't have to be a way of "finding a solution". A good listener can listen without actually interfering with your thought process. Listening as lubrication rather than intervention. If people feel a desire to change your course of direction, that is their issue, not yours.

Trev:
I get that intellectually, but I hate feeling on the wrong side of people. Feeling like I am misunderstood, or that I have disappointed them. Like I haven't met their expectations. I have a high degree of internal confidence, but am much weaker when it comes to feeling that I am a "failure" in other people's eyes. Going back to my initial metaphor. I can imagine it being like someone who acknowledges make-up and fashion are expensive time-wasters, but still wears them because that is the way the world works. You can't pick every battle. Sometimes bottling things up a little is just way easier. Having things under control means I don't have to put so much effort into appeasing the people I care about.

Angela:
We are busy reinventing society. The traditional Masculine/Feminine stereotypes were thrust upon us. As Arthur said, this was perhaps for a reason... but those reasons have changed. If we want a healthier world where we aren't torn up internally just to please others externally, then we have to have these tough discussion. I really don't think this is a Male/Female thing. Much of it is simply cultural roles we have inherited. The more strong men are allowed to show weakness without being judged, the more likely others are to feel free to follow in their path.

[Sacha, Richard, Francois, Arthur, Mary, Paul, and Angela are fictional]

Honesty Axes

Honesty is not opening the door. Honesty is cumulative. It is multiple conversations, interactions, and moments of silence. Honesty is time spent together. Words are a blunt hack at the truth. As they come out of our mouths, we ourselves are hearing them for the first time. They are not even necessarily a response to the questions being asked, or situation being experienced. Words and emotions can be an eruption of built up reactions to years of seemingly unrelated events. Any story we tell ourselves to explain things is a simplification. It is always more complicated than that. Start with kindness, respect, and patience. Add time.

Iron Age Axe

Being Part

Imagine a world with zero transaction costs, perfect transparency, and the instant ability to repeat anything that has been done before. A world that understands how we learn, and can teach skills freely, efficiently and effectively. To everyone. What competitive advantages would be left? Relationships. Deep soaking. Understanding the unique context of the way individuals interpret the world, by being part of that interpretation. There are some books that are worth rereading. People that you want to to see again. Radical honesty isn't removing the filter, it is adding time. Time doesn't scale. Personal relationships would be left.

Complex, Unique, Temporary

Deep Trust

An advantage of monetary exchange is the clean beginning, and end of the transaction. If someone gives you something, there is a subtler, relationship based, exchange going on. It is a fuzzier world. One where expectations are unclear. How do you say thank you? Will you be called on to act in the future? What are the conditions? In a world where everyone see the world in the same way, culture gives you clarity about how to behave. Unwritten rules, learnt through gossip, and friendships, extend each act from being a transaction to being a relationship. Money allows people who don't speak the same language, or have the same beliefs, to trust each other temporarily. Deep trust requires time, and uncomfortable conversations. Deep trust requires disappointment, pain, tears and a willingness to rebuild. Deep trust is a beautiful thing, built without a clean beginning and end.

Context for Connection

I have a committee in my head that only occasionally find common ground. Every thought exists in context. Honesty is a conversation flavoured with time. A conversation that provides context for connection. For both the inner relationships inside our idea of ourselves, and our relationships with others. We need to make time to process our thoughts and feelings. Sleep forces a little of this on us every night. It embeds a minimum period of deep relaxation for thoughts to float, file, and forge connections with each other. For thoughts who disagree to build friendships. I believe we are our relationships. For relationships to be strong, they need weeding, watering, space, and a warm bed of context - a sense of being at home despite natural discomfort. A home that allows for stormy conversation, and fragile moments. A home that allows us to cope.

Our Own Cacophony

I have had several journals. One of the problems they caused when 'looking back' is that they weren't a reflection of my actual feelings or thoughts. I would sit down and write, normally when upset, and purge myself of whatever is going on in my head. The picture my journals painted was often a grotesque mutilation.

Like the Pixar film, 'Inside Out' - most of what goes on inside my head is a filter free discussion between various emotions and attempts to apply some logic and rationality. When I grabbed for a pen to take minutes of these crazy meetings, there was no way possible to grab everyone's thoughts. I only learnt to touch type a few years ago, so I was also constrained by how fast the thoughts could pass through my arm and fingers. Even now, when I type using a computer relatively quickly, I am not catching everything. I am paraphrasing. Like a minute taker where there is no recording and no witnesses. The journal becomes the sole record.

Journals are notorious for getting people into trouble when other people read them. Particularly if people are very close to you, it can be difficult to be honest or even know what honesty is. Tact and kindness are important filters of what gets said. We always need to think both of what is said, and how it will be heard. The relationship is far more important than the words that get used and words are not precision tools. Journals are an attempt to open those gates, and so should come with fat hazard warnings if being read by someone other than the writer. Honesty is time.

Three Gates of Speech

1. Is it true?

2. Is it helpful?

3. Is it kind?

This blog has effectively been a journal of thought for me. I sit down and write about something I am thinking, reading or chatting to friends about. It is a first draft. I have intentionally forced myself to write almost every day to build a habit of writing. It has also forced me to get over the 'is it good enough gate' which can prevent anything happening at all. Many thoughts are rubbish. Many ideas don't make sense. Often thoughts are disconnected, and the narrative exists in my head rather than on the paper. If the narrative exists at all.

What I do know is that I am not unique. Inside all our heads is this crazy place where we are trying to make sense of the world. We all have to take years and years to learn to be kind to ourselves because we have no choice but to listen to our own cacophony. To discard thoughts that try derail us. To let go of thoughts that over stay their welcome. We don't get to leave ourselves. There is no escape hatch unlike a world where we can choose to leave the neighbourhood we grew up in, the job we don't like, or the friends and family who form our community.

Alain de Botton talks in 'How Proust Can Change Your Life' about just how many drafts Proust went through to create his masterpieces. Editing. Cutting out. Rereading. Beauty lies somewhere between being brave enough to put thoughts out there when they are unformed, and being willing to be detached enough from what has been said to find the truth in amongst the noise that resonates. Our stories are alive because they change. We are our stories.

Before Words

Before we had words to express things, we still thought and felt. Words are a powerful but inadequate form of communication. You can't be honest with someone merely by putting pen to paper or opening your mouth and pushing air through your vocal chords. Honesty is the gift of time. The most honest interactions you have may be wordless. We don't understand most of what is going on, but we give it a go anyway. Honesty is a relationship that opens up the less fear there is that the other person will walk away. Honesty is learning to communicate.

Joining Dots

One of the things I love about keeping a blog is that when I meet up with people who read it we are able to chat about something that matters to us both almost straight away. Even if they have skimmed most of what I write, there just has to be a post or two that has resonated and we can end up chatting about that thing. We don't have to have everything in common, just something in common. Writing daily means I am thinking largely in the open. The blog isn't a journal, but people who know me will obviously be able to read between the lines and join the dots. This is why I would love it if lots of the people I care about also kept blogs. It would allow me to feel part of what is going on in their lives.

Everyone is really busy though. Many of us make fantastic friendships at school and university. Relatively speaking, those are actually very small chunks of our lives. Yet those connections seem to last. A few of my school friends recently started a Whatsapp group. We have had great fun descending to the same humour we had at that age. Whatsapp isn't a public blog. It isn't even as public as Facebook. It is a closed group that allows you to speak openly in the way you would if you were having a face to face interaction. Groups that are much bigger than how many people could sit at table don't really work. Then it feels like you are in a big room. It doesn't have the same level of comfort.

You can't replace spending time in the same place. But that isn't always possible. Distance makes relationships difficult. If someone is present, just seeing them can trigger communication that may not happen otherwise. At the very least, being around means they are in your thoughts. Business people know this. Good client service involves looking for opportunities to add regular value. So that when a client is in a situation where you could help, you come to mind. If you don't get involved in the little things, you stop getting thought of when it comes to the big things.

Even though we have the great friendships from school, university or even previous jobs, life moves on. You can end up not having those people being a part of your life. We are busy. So some people like having a few friendships that they focus their efforts on remaining involved in the little things. Some relationships are strong and can pick up where they left off, even if there are years between points of contact.

Strong relationships are those where you can be most honest. Honesty isn't a Q&A where you just tell people what is on your mind. Honesty is an investment of time. It is partly the little things. It may just be throwing darts together. It may be a Snapchat picture of a pet that made you smile. It may be a phone call. It may be Whatsapp banter. Honesty is the stuff that allows the picture to be created by going between the lines and joining the dots.

Honest Time

There are lots of ways to communicate. We often think of honesty as a choice. Like someone can ask a question and the person answering can choose to reply without the layers of protection we build. I don't think that is true. Honesty is often time. Time allows someone to hear the words come from their mouth, feel your response and their response to your response. Feel whether those words are true. Time allows us to find other ways to communicate. Time allows you to push beyond your comfort zones and test any truth out for size.

Derek Paravicini

Mya shared a wonderful clip of Derek Paravicini from a 60 minutes profile. Derek is blind, has severe learning disabilities and autism. The incredible story shows how Derek came across music and the ability to communicate through sound. His teacher talks about how other people learn to put emotion into music. He says Derek is learning about emotion through music. Eventually Derek was able to perform with a full orchestra where he headlined shows. His ability to communicate with the orchestra relies on different skills since he is unable to see the conductor. It relies on honesty.

Yesterday, Steve showed me the presentation below on 'The Empathic Civilisation'. It is the same idea Patrick was talking about in levels of moral development. Slowly but surely we have been expanding the circle of people we care about. Tribes would unite through religion. Religions could be united in nation states. There doesn't seem to be a reason why we need to stop there. Nation states are fairly young. We can go beyond that to become Global Citizens. Part of how we do that will be through music, art, dance, sport and shared festivals. As travel, social media and other methods of communication allow us to share the awesome bits of various cultures I can't see how old barriers can stand up to our ability to recognise bits of ourselves in others. And care.

No matter our disadvantages, we find ways to communicate.

Enemies of Reason

In the video below, Richard Dawkins interviews Derren Brown as part of his "Enemies of Reason" series.

One of the key questions he is trying to get at is (to paraphrase): if a lot of stuff such as Fortune Tellers, Mystics and Astrology is simply not true, at what point should the leaders/"spreaders of falsity" take accountability for simply lying? Put differently, how many of them know that what they are doing/saying is false or misleading, but do it anyway?

A lot of people use the, 'it does no harm' logic to accept crazy beliefs. In some cases, the false beliefs may actually do good. Does it matter if something is wrong but leads to a good conclusion? The age old question of is lying about the Jews in your basement to the Nazis wrong? Clearly it is not. So, is a person all dressed up as a fortune teller who is just cold reading doing good or harm if someone believes it to be true? What if it gives them comfort and does no harm?

I think the case for dispelling falsity where it is doing harm is very compelling. This would be Dawkin's logic for essentially being an 'evangelical athiest'. Post 9/11, he has been on a crusade of sorts to de-stigmatise Athiesm with the belief that many of the world's problems are caused by fanatical beliefs that have no founding.

The counter argument is that religion (even if false) can give hope, comfort, and a sense of community.

I guess there is no clear answer and all this is rather murky.

Say it

Still reading 'The Future and its Enemies', Postrel talks about the difficulty in expressing knowledge. She quotes Alexander Pope:

'What oft was thought but ne'er so well expressed'

She goes on to say that 'articulation is hard, scarce and well rewarded'. I have blogged often about honesty, communication, and truth. Postrel expresses these similar thoughts. Although she is talking about learning through apprenticeship and soaking up the detail, my interest was more philosophical and more based on the development of friendships/relationships/happiness.

The amusing thing is that even when something is articulated well, it may strike home for someone else in a completely unintended way. When I first started painting, my paintings were very very literal. It was tough to interpret them differently from the way I intended. Truth be told though, they weren't really very meaningful. As you let get of being literal, I think you come closer to being able to truly 'articulating' an emotion or thought, but it is not always as you intended.

I am convinced for example, that Shakespeare didn't intend quite so much of the inner meaning in some of his works that we worked through at school. And I don't care really that it wasn't as he intended. If two people listen to the same piece of music, they can both have very different reactions... the music can correctly articulate two completely different things.

Language, music, time spent together, laughter, dance, pain, art, time spent apart, things said, things not said and the inexpressible all contribute to our knowledge of each other and of ourselves.

All part of trial and error, and moving forward.

White House to Staff Room

I just watched the Frost-Nixon movie...



I have to admit to being a little cynical of politicians. A friend once told me I would grow up to be a politician in a purple suit. It had something to do with my schoolboy nickname of 'Flagburner' after I refused to sing 'Die Stem' at our school prize giving. I guess the idea of politics at that stage as one of Freedom Fighter was rather appealing.

It becomes less appealing as you realise how difficult it is to ever stick to what you believe in completely and totally when trying to build consensus.

But then you realize too that politics isn't just confined to Government. There is the infamous staffroom politics at schools, daily office politics, and even politics in relationships.

I still love the idea of a world of complete honesty. One where everyone has the emotional and social intelligence to handle that world too. Some people would argue that you can be honest with out full disclosure, and not telling people everything is normally the best approach.

I pretty much accept that a completely transparent world is not possible. For the most part, I guess you have to accept that compromise is necessary, and so half truths will be told and politics will continue.

It just leaves such a dirty taste.

All the piece matter

Like the subject matter, the series 'The Wire' is addictive. I have spoken before about how much I enjoy the move towards portraying the world as grey as it really is.

The old comic book stories of the goodies and the baddies is, to borrow a wire phrase, not how it goes down. The world is a murky murky place in which we make up rules to get by. As time goes by, those rules change as the world changes. Good people do bad things, bad people do good.

Series like this, as well as being entertaining, help us start to ask some of the right questions. It helps us figure out all the pieces.

Maybe the world is becoming more honest?