Don't Ask Jason

Jason would be my first call if I needed help burying a body. He would ask no questions. This is not a public confession of intent, or guilt. It is just as suggestion. If you suspect me of murder, don’t ask Jason if I did it. Loyalty is hard wired into us as a way of defeating mortality. We learn through death. Which is why Max Planck said, “Science progresses one funeral at a time”. It is much harder to unlearn than to learn. Death is a communal feature rather than a glitch. The Curse of Knowledge is that knowing one thing can make it harder to know, or even see, another. What we know is Path Dependent. The set of decisions people face is limited (or increased) by decisions made in the past. Hereditary Privilege is a feature. We care that the next generation will have more options. Loyalty means we can see and protect the good, even in the face of bad. Even very bad. It is also a glitch if it restricts the options of others. Removing structural bias means universally raising the basic options we all have. Having foundational loyalty to all.

History Matters

Let it Pass

Personally, I struggle to know how to support both myself and friends with Mental Health, more than I do with explicit “my leg is on fire” problems. Two of the challenges are time and personality based. Your leg being on fire is solvable. Quickly. Your leg being on fire doesn’t change “who you are”. Mental Health professionals are trained to handle and understand things that most of us aren’t equipped to. The best we can do is be good friends. Sometimes that is hard. Especially if the issue changes who our friend is, and we feel like the friendship becomes lopsided. The leg stays on fire. The friend stays absent. Heather Plett wrote a beautiful article on what it means to “hold space” for people, and how to do it well. My take home is that as a friend we shouldn’t treat mental health challenges as legs on fire. We all have to deal with the waves in our heads and hearts. We aren’t problems to be solved. To hold space for each other, we have to hold space for ourselves. It’s a dance. Somehow, it’s a case of seeing the beauty in the dance rather than feeling overwhelmed. Going with it. Breathing into it. Experiencing it, and letting it pass.  

Second Degree

Building trust is hard. The idea of six degrees of separation is that all people everywhere are six 'friend of friend' steps away from each other. This is hard to believe when we seem so different to each other. 'The Righteous Mind' looks at why good people disagree on things where it is hard to believe someone could disagree with us... and still be good. With our close friends, we are comfortable cutting them some slack. When they have a crazy view, we don't write them off because of a shared history. With strangers we are more brutal. The only people who change other people's views are friends. Either friends, or people we have sufficient respect for to value their opinion. Trusting someone increases our vulnerability. To trust someone six degrees away is hard, but we could work at trusting those people who we trust trust. We could start by making more introductions. By making six into five.

Sharper Stones (Tim)

What’s the point of a luxury yacht? You might think that it’s for traveling to exotic locations in grand style and enjoying all the excitement and gratuitous pleasure that money can buy. Nope. A six-year study by a British academic has found that the super rich mostly just moor their yachts in the sort of places like Cannes or Monaco where they are conspicuously available to be ogled and envied. Apparently the main motivation for making these super-yachts ever bigger and more ostentatious is not for the sake of luxury or convenience out on the high seas, but simply to compete with the yacht in the next berth in Saint-Tropez.

I recently had a reunion with some of my old school friends in London. Now that we’re all in our early forties, we’ve had plenty of time to develop our lives, our careers and our investment portfolios. This is something that my friends have done with relish. They’re all very successful in their respective fields: a computer programmer, a vascular surgeon and a something to do with logistics. They have all been sensible with their money and all own lovely homes and flash cars, and undoubtedly have sensible retirement plans. Maybe I missed the starting gun, but I’m still just an English teacher living in a small rented flat full of cheap furniture, and I don’t really have any assets at all.

Tim(e) in London

Usually, I’m pretty content with what I have because I tend to live for experience more than material wealth. But, just as I expected, when it came time to meet face-to-face with my old mates as a group, I was intimidated by their tangible success. It made me feel slightly inadequate that I hadn’t acquired any of their status, or status symbols. This is a bit embarrassing to admit because shunning materialism and status symbols has always been a core value of mine. Nonetheless, these things have a powerful ability to make a person question the course that his life has taken.

But in the middle of our reunion braai, the old friend who is perhaps the most successful of all suddenly got a faraway look in his eye and said with unexpected gravity, “Isn’t it strange how we’ve all followed such different paths?” And suddenly I knew that the envy goes both ways. As much as I may envy their more tangible success, there are times when they envy my lifestyle. I’m no poster boy for the rock ‘n roll lifestyle, but I do retain a certain mobility that I’m quite proud of – fifteen years an expat, having visited almost twenty countries, living in my third foreign country and learning my second foreign language. Ironically, it might be my lack of material entrapments that is my most enviable quality.

It’s always been human nature to look at the caveman in the next cave and admire his extra sharp stone tools. It seems likely that this instinct is an engine of human progress, spurring us on to bigger and better projects that have ultimately benefited the whole human race. Nonetheless, there are times when we have to recognise this feeling for what it is, and not let it deprive us of the joy and satisfaction we already possess.

Up in the Air

I have been lucky to have fantastic colleagues. Smart. Interesting. Interested. Caring. Creative. Business was personal. I cared. The teams never stayed the same though. Someone needed to move city. Someone felt they need a role change to stay learning. Partners careers are taken into account. I couldn't ever hold onto a team that I was loving. The teams changed. The same is true of friends and family in a scattered world. It now turns out it is the same in terms of countries. Nothing stays the same. If we are looking for consistency, we need to look deeper. We need to appreciate each moment, because at any point everything can be thrown up into the air.

Up in the Air

Six becomes Five

If there are six degrees of separation between everyone on the planet, we can build a closer world step by step. Six becomes five. Five becomes four. I was sitting in a coffee shop on my first day in San Francisco chatting to a friend who had lived here, but was in Sydney now. He sent a message to a few friends. One was having a house party a few hours later. So that night I was surrounded by San Franciscans. I had chats about Drumpf, Black Face, Privilege, Cultural Appropriation, Bollywood, Tiny Houses, Simplicity and how we tend to hate people most intensely when we have a lot in common. I knew no one when I arrived.

Friends of Friends become Friends in San Francisco

Amawele's South African Kitchen

When I was in Seattle, I overheard some South Africans speaking and introduced myself. We chatted for a while. We were far from home and this was a trigger for conversation. If I was sitting in Cape Town, and said 'Oh, sorry I overheard you talking and you have a South African accent, I am also from South Africa', instead of conversation, I would get a quizzical look. In San Francisco, all the languages of South Africa, all the differences, all the problems melt away and people talk. 

Because people are busy, I think friendships start getting culled as we get older rather than built. Life slowly trims the leaves until we are left with a core. That isn't going to be a very productive way for us to challenge ourselves to open up our world view.

Introduce your friends. Don't stop making friends. Make friends with people who aren't like you. Walls don't tear themselves down. We tear them down consciously by caring enough to make the time.

Building Common Wealth (with Sindile)

Trev: 

A Sovereign Wealth Fund is a pool of investments that belongs to a country. The idea being that a country can invest on behalf of it's citizens. The assets can then be anything from around the world rather than the random resources the country starts with. A Universal Income is not a welfare payout. It is a share of the wealth paid out to everyone. It doesn't have the same stigma of social benefits. In the same way very wealthy people don't suffer from a stigma because they have benefited from parents and grandparents who are wealthy. I would like to see a world where we combine these concepts - Sustainable Wealth Funds with Universal Income. Where we become custodians of global wealth, and are freed to pursue non hand-to-mouth aspirations because of our combined resources. 

Sindile: 

I find that very interesting and wonder where South Africa in particular cannot re-organise it's mineral regime in order to realise this. In fact couldn't this be done in many resource rich countries in Africa? Didn't Norway do something like this? For me, I'm not quite sure we are at the point (at least in Africa) where we can simply forgo hand to mouth activities, but what we can do is offset some of the necessary effects of trying to be competitive and achieving growth (such as lower wages) with a universal income. Whether that can be realised is of course up to sound and competent leadership and an active citizenry. This for me could be a much better alternative to the populist resource nationalism of the EFF (Economic Freedom Fighters). 

Trev: 

I like to think that it isn't up to government doing it. South Africa, the United Kingdom, the United States have strong constitutions that protect the liberty of citizens. They are at different levels of wealth, but all struggle with inequality and the need to build community. I don't think that starts with government. It starts at a lower level. We can build Sustainable Wealth Funds ourselves. It is like planning for retirement at an individual level, but expanding the thinking a little. Investing for retirement is diversifying your own individual earning stream, your own internal gold/ oil/ soil. Slowly you get the money working and you buy your financial freedom. We can do this by building small communities. It would be great if government got on side... but we don't need them to. We can do this. 

Releasing Internal Gold

Sindile: 

Wait I need clarity then here. By saying we can build sustainable wealth funds ourselves, who then would be the beneficiaries? In SA something like 70% of the population lives on less than 5k a month. I don't see how that's a sustainable base to build from. 

Trev: 

That is exactly where the problem lies! When we leave it up to government, the numbers get absolutely massive and abstract. What on earth do you do about 37 million people struggling along? Write a tweet with #EndPoverty? But if we think in groups of say 150, then 70% of 150 is 105. There are 45 people earning more than that who can learn the names of those 105. That can go for a run with them. That can have a meal in their house. Thinking about how to make a group of 150 sustainably support themselves is achievable. It is replicable. It is realistic. 

Sindile: 

I agree Trev but I don't think we need to be dichotomous about it. Building strong communities and a strong civil society is up to us, however we shouldn't eschew the gains that can be made from brave, selfless and excellent governance. I think your 150 concept is brilliant in terms of the interpersonal level, but we simply cannot ignore the institutional and systemic level. Another thing for me is how can we begin to integrate regionally and therefore break the power of colonial borders? 

Africa Before it got Scrambled

Trev: 

Excellent governance would be awesome, but my expectations are very low. Anywhere in the world. I also think the idea that we can delegate decision making upward is problematic. It is very hard to communicate our concerns even to those deeply involved in our lives. I have more confidence in excellent laws. Sometimes the stars align and the bigger society gets on board. More often people build friendships and change happens. Institutions and systems reflect those friendships over time. Regions and colonial borders are ridiculously easy to break down when thinking in terms of 150 people. Just find friends of friends. Six degrees of separation and all that jazz. Just because British Columbia & Washington State are different countries doesn't stop friends from visiting. Just because the US took over half of Mexico in 1846 doesn't mean there aren't strong cultural bonds. Same with the people of Namibia, Botswana, Lesotho, Swaziland, Zimbabwe and Mozambique. Borders don't define us. Friendships do. 

Before the Mexico-America War

Sindile: 

I agree...... To a certain extent. The forces of tribalism and nationalism are especially strong in our neighbourhood of countries(because of the economic deprivation). The ugliness of our xenophobia proves that. With that said, I believe that we need to align the interests of immigrants in our country with those of the poor black majority in terms of creating a new entrepreneurial class. I do believe that friendship is THE essential ingredient in this, my only question being how do we overcome mistrust?? 

Trev: 

Trust is certainly the key ingredient, and that can only come with time and relationships. It probably also requires a leap of faith in the beginning. A few people to take a chance at giving people the benefit of the doubt. While mistrust is a powerful defence, there will be the few generous souls that venture out of the safe space to build new communities that cross those boundaries. That can imagine a better world. We should support those people. We should be those people. With time, I think that the people who come back with stories to the mistrusters will have tales with more flavour to entice the late adopters, and nibble at the walls that divide us. 

Sindile: 

I believe in the possibilities but my concerns about structural and institutional realities remain. I think the building of community has to go hand in hand with political advocacy, in fact I think true community(across divisive lines) would sharpen our political advocacy. One of the main problems(in SA at least) is that people live in 'bubbles of ignorance'. People don't know enough about each other and haven't humanised each other. Both individual commitment (to community) and a structurally and institutionally healthy society are mutually reinforcing and help shield us against the inevitable excesses that arise from a complex civilisation.

--- Other Guest Posts with Sindile ---

Overcoming Barbs ; Transforming 

Follow Sindile Vabaza on Facebook

Expanded Experience

Our friends and families journey's tend to rhyme with ours. To get completely different perspectives, we have to consciously pop our bubbles. One of the ways I try do this is to build lists on Twitter of groups of which I am not a part. By regularly seeing what is being shared on those lists, I can start to see the world a little differently. Even the groups I am a part of don't see things the same way as me. I see the world a little differently today depending on what I did yesterday. I never see the world the same way twice. Everything we do matters. Every action adds to our colour wheel.

Color chart, complete at last! 🎨

A photo posted by Angie Bradshaw 🌵🌈🌺🎨🌴 (@angiebradshaw) on Feb 24, 2016 at 10:24am PST

I am in Santa Monica, California. The friend I am visiting is on a very similar journey to me. We haven't seen each other in quite a while. In sharing our stories, and the books and experiences we have gone through, there were several knowing nods. There were also differences. We learn more about ourselves through learning about others.

Venice Beach, California

Meeting this friend, and getting to know his wife, has resulted in a long 'required reading' list. Names that came up were Derek Sivers and Alan Watts. We had both been influenced by Josh Waitzkin and challenged by Tim Ferriss. I was able to point out Jonathan Haidt and Virginia Postrel.  Haidt did a grand survey of our ancient cultural and religious knowledge on happiness incorporating modern scientific, philosophical and psychological research. He also looks at why 'good people disagree', i.e. those situations where we don't understand how someone can disagree with us, and still be good. Postrel's 'The Future and it's enemies' convinced me of the power of a bottom up approach to life rather than wishing we had a benevolent dictator. Understanding can't be communicated upwards. We need to empower people. Add Tim Minchin's idea of being micro-ambitious and my approach of focusing on each day and spending time kuiering with people I care about starts to fall in place.

There is an infinite library. We don't have time to get through everything, but we can learn together. We can share experiences. We can make new mistakes rather than repeating old ones by trying to go it alone. I don't think we need to understand everything. I am completely at peace with the fact that the world is uncertain, complex, ambiguous and noisy. I love it. I love the search and I love the fact that the search will never be done. I can reread books that changed my life. I can read books that changed my friends lives. We can talk about them. We can share the journey.

Is there anything better than the connections we share with other people? Incorporating others into how we define ourselves expands our ability to experience the world. 

I love this place

Add Time

There is a difference between meeting someone for lunch or dinner and being lucky enough to spend time with them. Nothing on the agenda. Nothing planned. My favourite thing in the world is a good kuier. The opportunity to see someone in their space, doing their thing, with their people. To listen to them. To talk. To be quiet. I am incredibly lucky to have wonderful people in my life. A lot of us are. It is why I think we should be careful of being seduced by our success. Sometimes it isn't about doing well at life. It is about doing life.

Adding Time. A Beautiful Tree. An Awe-inspiring Forest.

Road Trip

Some friends let you lean deep into your own particular brand of crazy. This weekend was a road trip up to a victorious Springbok rugby match with two of those buddies. It is great to pause real life and create some memories. We took the scenic route back to London, road tripping through the Yorkshire Dales, and then catching the train back from Manchester. England is a beautiful country. Trev is a happy Swart Donkey.

Old Friends (Tim)

I am a big fan of the theatre of traditions. One of my favourite was the ringing of the bell at the end of our last day of high school. Each boys name would be read out quite slowly, so it would take some time. There were 147 in my year. 1000 (mostly younger) boys, and the staff, would sit in silence and listen as the young man whose name was called out would file out of the hall, walk to, and ring the bell. A double ring would signal the end. From outside, would come the sound of the leavers linking arms and shouting a final school war cry. You listen to this at the end of four each of four years, and then it is your turn. Then you go out into the world.

I have two older brothers, and so grew up with them and their buddies experiencing these traditions ahead of me. I have very fond memories of their various antics. They kept up a good facade of being very wise and worldy. I could learn from their triumphs and mistakes. To this day, I still drive very cautiously. My brother had a crash on the day he got his licence. His friend Tim, one of my witty favourites, managed to write off our garage door in a spectacular early driving leason. Cars, they taught me, were dangerous. But that was just one of Tim's stories. This is another.

An older, wiser Tim, and his younger old friend, Steve

Old Friends

Tim Casteling

'Yes'm, old friends is always best, 'less you can catch a new one that's fit to make an old one out of.'

Sarah Orne Jewett

I've almost never been lonely. Maybe it's the circumstances that I've been in, but I inevitably make new friends wherever I go. After school there were new friends at Rhodes, and then in Queenstown and back in Durban selling CDs at Rythmic Beat, and then teaching English in Taiwan - both Taichung and Taipei. And when I moved to China after 10 years in Taiwan, I had an instant set of new friends in my department. Now, again in Seoul, I find that I'm making new friends. And yet, the vast majority of these friends will never become old friends. Nice people, certainly, but for one important reason they'll never take on that quality of comfort that you get from an old friendship. That reason is simply time and shared experience. I'm talking about friendships that go back about thirty years, to a time when I was just becoming aware of myself. These men (almost funny to think of them as men with thinning hair and beer boeps) are not just buddies, they are a part of the furnace where my identity was forged. I share so much with them that I can't think back on my formative experiences without their ugly faces floating into view.

Since we have scattered across three continents, we very rarely see each other. We have our own adult lives filled with careers, wives and children (to varying degrees). And yet, when we get together, either in person or online, we don't need to make small talk about the rugby, we have an instant connection. We don't need to be polite or talk about the weather because we can skip straight to our favourite form of conversation - abuse. Each of us has his weaknesses, and we are all fair game. There are no sacred cows, partly because there's no risk of ruining the friendship, but mostly because we've always done this, and we always will. Outsiders might think we harbour old grudges that make us so malicious, but nothing could be further from the truth. This kind of banter is exactly what reinforces our bond. I would love to get the old gang together for a drink, and I can't imagine not teasing Neil for his height, or Andy for his. I can't get my head around not ragging Grant about the girls he used to smooch, or not having Steve complain about how I wrecked his car.

It might sound morbid, but I have imagined my own funeral with a smile, not because I'm morose, but because I like to imagine my oldest and dearest friends quoting from Monty Python and making fun of the foolish things that I've said and done, clinking their glasses and having a laugh at my expense. Rest assured, Boys, I would do the same for you!

Joining Dots

One of the things I love about keeping a blog is that when I meet up with people who read it we are able to chat about something that matters to us both almost straight away. Even if they have skimmed most of what I write, there just has to be a post or two that has resonated and we can end up chatting about that thing. We don't have to have everything in common, just something in common. Writing daily means I am thinking largely in the open. The blog isn't a journal, but people who know me will obviously be able to read between the lines and join the dots. This is why I would love it if lots of the people I care about also kept blogs. It would allow me to feel part of what is going on in their lives.

Everyone is really busy though. Many of us make fantastic friendships at school and university. Relatively speaking, those are actually very small chunks of our lives. Yet those connections seem to last. A few of my school friends recently started a Whatsapp group. We have had great fun descending to the same humour we had at that age. Whatsapp isn't a public blog. It isn't even as public as Facebook. It is a closed group that allows you to speak openly in the way you would if you were having a face to face interaction. Groups that are much bigger than how many people could sit at table don't really work. Then it feels like you are in a big room. It doesn't have the same level of comfort.

You can't replace spending time in the same place. But that isn't always possible. Distance makes relationships difficult. If someone is present, just seeing them can trigger communication that may not happen otherwise. At the very least, being around means they are in your thoughts. Business people know this. Good client service involves looking for opportunities to add regular value. So that when a client is in a situation where you could help, you come to mind. If you don't get involved in the little things, you stop getting thought of when it comes to the big things.

Even though we have the great friendships from school, university or even previous jobs, life moves on. You can end up not having those people being a part of your life. We are busy. So some people like having a few friendships that they focus their efforts on remaining involved in the little things. Some relationships are strong and can pick up where they left off, even if there are years between points of contact.

Strong relationships are those where you can be most honest. Honesty isn't a Q&A where you just tell people what is on your mind. Honesty is an investment of time. It is partly the little things. It may just be throwing darts together. It may be a Snapchat picture of a pet that made you smile. It may be a phone call. It may be Whatsapp banter. Honesty is the stuff that allows the picture to be created by going between the lines and joining the dots.

Making Time

This morning I woke up bright and early. I have been in the fortunate position of letting the sun be my alarm clock until I started pet sitting recently. A doggies gotta do what a doggies gotta do, and so my day needs to start earlier. But today I got up even earlier as I got to go running with two old school friends I haven't seen in years who have proper jobs and family responsibilities.

At least one of us still looks 17

I talked about how many of us are fighting fires and focus on life's responsibilities. Cicero (in Braveheart) says it best, 'Some of the time I do what I want to do, the rest of the time I do what I have to'. Even when you do that, you can't operate at your best if you don't have a buffer of energy to call on. The only way you build that up is by making time. Curt and Dave make time for a run (and to see each other) once a week before work. You can't be 'on' 100% of the time if you don't find these little spaces. The regularity also makes it easier to keep in touch when so many of us are useless communicators.

The other advantage of a running buddy is that it gives you an edge of accountability. You can't just roll over in bed. Morning Trev is definitely less of an exercise enthusiast than Evening Trev. I don't think I am unique. If someone is waiting for you, particularly if that someone is good at banter, then you best get yourself up.

I had a couple of running buddies at university that made a huge difference. Normally I ended up being fitter during exams, because there weren't those bothersome lectures and tutorials to attend, and because it was the only way to clear my head. One of those running buddies was about the same level as me, but whoever was fitter would normally win. That was a good incentive, since if you were sneaky and got in a few extra runs you could throw some abuse in the others general direction. The other running buddy was so far ahead of me, he used to float along occasionally jumping up to touch a tree branch while I plodded behind him. I console myself that he has now become a mountain man of sorts who does all sorts of trail ultra-marathons.

For most problems, a little exercise is a good start on a solution. Even if you have Hakuna Matata, it is part of the good life.

Celebration

I am a sucker for a good celebration. I think we should make up as many reasons for getting together and enjoying each other as possible. I have spent the last couple of days at Tauranga Bay in New Zealand at a friend's wedding. We are all quite busy, so these occasions become rather rare. With people scattered around the globe, it becomes a challenge to co-ordinate leave from work and to find the money to make the journey. There can be some really tough decisions to make about places we would love to be, but can't. So when you do make it, you savour it - knowing it will be gone in an instant.

The arrival of the beautiful bride

Being present can be a challenge. If you do a job where the work always hangs around in your head, it can take time to wind down. The buzz of a to-do list sits ever present when thoughts start to wonder. If you are lucky enough to manage to fit the celebration into a holiday, you may have had a before and after. The before to clear space. The after as the idea of getting back to it starts to make its presence felt.

This was a 'do it yourself' wedding with all the bits and pieces being done by people connected to the couple in some way. Chipping in to the preparation makes the event more of an event. There was more anticipation and a chance to spend time with the couple putting things together and taking things apart. The temptation to outsource is strong when we start trying to focus on the things we are good at. We can be seduced by our success into only doing the things we are good at. 'Doing it yourself' isn't about efficiency, time-saving or cost-saving. If you aren't busy, there is real pleasure to be gained from working together with people you care about to put together an event celebrating those people.

Be My Guest

I have had a few friends stay with me over the last few years, but I wouldn't consider myself as coming from a culture of regular guests. In 'I Am Malala', Malala Yousafzai describes the difference in culture from her home in Swat, Pakistan. Since her shooting, her family has been relocated to Birmingham in the UK. Her mother struggles with the absence of a full home of guests. Malala grew up struggling to find space to do her homework etc. In a country where more people have their own rooms, there is space, but fewer guests. I know Malala's mothers issue is also one of being an immigrant in a country where she knows very few people and has language barriers. It did however make me think of how we have outsourced entertainment. We eat at restaurants and stay at hotels. Again, this is partly because I (like Malala's mom) am an immigrant although I don't have the language or culture barriers. If I lived where I grew up, perhaps I would still have more people just popping over and vice versa. As Global Citizens, we are all spread out and so you can't do just the half hour cup of tea visit.

I stayed with some friends last night who told me they had joined www.couchsurfing.com. They have been hosts but have not yet been guests. The idea is based on a Gift Economy. People are offered accommodation by the host. There is no expectation of anything in return. In theory, the person staying could be an uberguest and cook the host a few meals, and perhaps even do some odd jobs around the house. You can't expect anything in return otherwise that just becomes a price. How many yoga lessons or bedtime stories read equals one nights accommodation? I don't know how often uberguests actually turn up. In a market economy we are able to buy what we want. We can't buy time from friends and family though. You can't phone up a buddy and book a two week stay. You can ask. If you have the confidence, and you don't think they will feel awkward being asked. What is the etiquette when everyone thinks differently? 

The advantage of something having a fixed price is it takes haggle out of the equation. Some cultures like a little haggle, but by fixing the price polite introverts don't subsidise aggressive extroverts. It means you know you don't owe anyone anything. It was a fair exchange. The downside of prices being available for most things is we get out of the habit of asking for things where there isn't a clear equitable exchange. A 'haggle culture' presumably requires you to get comfortable at negotiations. You need to build up the confidence to ask for things you want. You need to be able to accept a no graciously. You need to be able to give a no politely.

One of my more awesome house guests stayed for about three weeks and even though I love having my own space I was very sad to see him go. I almost didn't notice he was there a lot of the time, but he seemed to magically appear when I felt like company. He cooked meals a few times and there were almost no traces that I had a guest as he cleaned up after himself. It is amazing how when you have people staying with you, their dirty dishes often rankle much more than your own. Not everyone is that awesome though. Someone told me their rule for house guests was 'First night I cook, Second night you cook, Third day is for goodbyes'. The dynamics of spending a few hours with someone are very different from spending a few days. A few weeks is a whole different story. We all have our own funny living quirks. Families have to compromise and get used to each other. Friends have the advantage of seeing each other in neutral venues if one is OCD tidy and the other is a slob.

Getting comfortable at having uncomfortable conversations may be the answer. For others, they may be quite happy just paying for whatever they want. Different strokes for different folks.

Delight & Treats

Beyond death and taxes, I have come across two more certainties in life. 

The first is 'this too shall pass'. Whether you are happy (yay!), sad (aaahh!), proud (yay!), disappointed (aaahh!), excited (yay!), anxious (aah!) or fulfilled (yay!). For those who love Christmas day, savour it and the time you get to spend with friends and family. For those for whom it is a bit tough, tomorrow is Boxing Day. For me that means test match cricket. The season is short either way.

The second certainty is Beacon Turkish Delight from my Mom. I absolutely love the stuff, but only on Christmas and my Birthday... and truth be told, it has to come from my Mom. Little treats that happen every now and then. Like Hot Cross Buns and (again Beacon) Marshmallow Easter Eggs.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas day. Eat, drink and be merry! ... or Sit, reflect and be grateful. Whatever choice of delight is your favourite.

Houseful of Fens

My buddy Mike has always been a creative and generally happy guy. He can also turn his feet almost 180 degrees which gives him an unfair advantage in rock climbing. We met at high school and although paths split at various stages have stayed in touch. He is an example of a friend I don't see often enough because life catches up with you. Paths splitting isn't really an excuse since we both now live in London. Yesterday I asked who had time to chat about happiness and learning and Mike put his hand up.

Mike's surname is Renwick. This was an unusual surname in South Africa, but teenaged Mike assured us it was very common in the UK. That there was a Fenwicks on every corner. When I got to the UK, I did see a number of these stores, and Mike after he met his lovely wife has done his bit to make the surname more common. His nickname of Fen is well deserved.

A Fenwicks on every corner and six in every bed

Fen identifies three positive focus areas when thinking about happiness:

1. A recognised creative outlet
Fen likes to play. He used to use music and composing his own songs as his source of expression but has shifted to game development now. With a house full of little Fens, this is less 'noisy', and still gives him the opportunity to play. It is just a different form of composition, and has the side benefit of helping him learn additional skills he can use in the work environment.

2. Being part of a group that requires prioritising their interests
He noted that when he was single he was able to do whatever he wanted but found he has been happier since he had a family, 'Obviously if you dig deep enough into altruism, there's always a self-gratification layer at the bottom of it, but you do feel good about yourself when you place your time into the hands of others before yourself.'

3. Some sort of repetitive manual labour
He enjoys folding clothes once a week, and once spent 8 hours shelling walnuts. Whether it is peeling potatoes or doing any other chores - doing something productive but that doesn't require thinking can be a form of relaxing the mind.

We didn't just talk about happy things. Life is full of other stuff but he said he found a drawing his wife Dani did very useful in helping his approach to answering the question 'Are you happy?'

The time he spends thinking about happiness is mostly triggered by something difficult. The usual suspects being the kids smashing something or fighting, an argument with Dani, or work not going well. Mentally he tries to integrate the difficult bits as part of the ultimately happy potential. So when something is wrong, he tries to think of the positive things that pair with that. So if you wanted to lose that negative, what would you be giving up? Would your alternate life really be better in totality? Essentially his focus is on cultivating resilience rather than trying to make every situation happy. Happiness requires taking a step back which includes the give and take shown above.