Navigating Paperwork

Pushing paper is a core part of finding your way in the modern jungle. My friend Karabo wrote a guest post for my blog a few years ago where she talked about the advantages of coming from a family that valued education. The lessons learnt at the feet of gogos and uncles. Overheard conversations and helping hands. Another friend, Tom, is a Polish-British Soutie. Understanding “Rich Country Poverty” was one of the harder things for me to wrap my head around as a South African-British Soutie. Tom told me of how he volunteers to help people fill in forms. Having navigated (and navigating) my way through applying for bursaries, getting passports, fertility treatment, adoption processes, job interviews and all sorts of paper work… this makes sense. Often asking the same question repeatedly in a slightly different way, with confidence, is needed to maintain momentum. Karabo and Tom’s observations remind me of how important believing you deserve to take the steps, and getting guidance, is in a path dependant world.

A job application dated 1913

Cornerstone Events

Autonomy and Consent are core values of mine. I believe we all have Cornerstone Events that colour the way we view the world. I was born in Apartheid South Africa. I was 14 when it ended. At the same time, my parents (and those of many in my school class) got divorced. My work life didn’t progress on the path I wanted it to, till I made a stab at self-determination. For the last four years, my wife and I have been going through Fertility Treatment. I had two surgeries to confirm that I have no soldiers. We had three unsuccessful IVF treatments with donor sperm. Huge existential questions about kids, no kids, adoption, risks, money, success, expectations. The degree of Righteous Indignation and Saviour Complexes I carry with me stems from these Cornerstones. How do you get to the point where you feel you are living life rather than life living you? Part of Autonomy and Consent has to be Acceptance and Surrender. Some things just are. No reason. No sense to be made. Then tweaked. So that every day carries some agency. Building on the day before. Building towards the next morning. Making meaning.

Ordinary Issues

The big issues facing most people I know are around where they live, who they spend their time with, what they are working towards, their health, and what dominates their thoughts. The ordinary. It is only in opening conversation that you realise how common some of the issues are. I am having Fertility difficulties - I hadn't heard the word Azoospermia till a test came back saying, 'all the tests were fine, except there is no sperm'. Speaking to friends, I then realised how many people were struggling. Mostly in silence. The stuff we talk about in public is filtered. We are scared of overshare. Our issues normally involve others, and we aren't sure if we have permission to talk freely. We tell our secrets to psychologists, religious leaders, lawyers and close friends on condition of secure confidence. How can we get the stories out in the open, without breaking trust? Most of what we experience has been experienced by someone else before. The specific mix will be unique, but the more we listen to and share with each other, the stronger our capacity will be to cope.

keeping our stories in containers