Self-Catering (Aydn)

I began writing this post during a study break in a computer lab. Tired, caffeine deprived, broke, wearing the same jacket I had worn for the past three days. I began writing because I had promised Trevor I would send him a blog post. However every time he checked in to see how far I was, I realised that the promise had slipped my mind and I had therefore yet to even select a page or google doc upon which to draft the post. This led me to think about a similar anomaly happening in my social life where promised coffee dates, boys nights out, dinners on Kloof Street and games nights at my place have all just not been happening. I considered how these promises had also been made. Yet they had slipped the minds of those who promised them, and often times also of those to whom they had been promised.

But why? 

What was happening? 

What is preventing these promises from being fulfilled? 

What is distracting me or drawing me away from all that I promised and that has been promised to me? 

At this point I should mention that I moved out of residence and into my own bachelor apartment at the beginning of this year. This change although exciting and with many advantages, also brought with it a few changes that are arguably disadvantages. Firstly, when I lived in res, friends were a door, a corridor, or a block away. The effort to see them, make plans with them and visit them was less. Secondly, when I lived in residence, my residence was on campus. It was situated close to the library, to lecture venues, to Jammie stops (student transport) and it also came with a catering service that cooked my food, served my food and cleaned the dishes and utensils I used in the process of eating this food. 

The University of Cape Town's Jammie Shuttle Service

Side note: Oh and congratulations if you found it disconcerting that I mentioned my social life and my academic life second. Returning to the discussion at hand: 

Now that I live alone, in an apartment somewhere in suburban Cape Town. Finding available friends requires a phone call and a walk up the road or to the train station. In short, more effort than it previously did. Getting to campus requires a walk, traversing a couple of pedestrian crossings (think about that long wait for the green man at the robot to flash and make noise). Then as is the case at my university, I have to hike up the mountain to get to class, likewise late nights at labs and a trip to the library is now literally an excursion (packed lunch and all). Catering has now become self-catering and, to be honest, between purchasing and cooking food I occasionally struggle to make time to (or forget to make time to) actually sit down and eat. My one friend barely recognised me when he saw me on campus earlier today. The last time he saw me was late yesterday evening…. 

However, I digress. The question is why I and my friends have been reneging on our promises. The answer is simply that between, graduating, writing a thesis, managing a new job, learning how to juggle catering with planning your route to and from campus we often forget or struggle to find a way to reach one another at a time that has some mutual convenience. We are grappling with learning to adult before the bigger responsibilities of adulting creep in and confuse us even further. 

Life gets hectic and it becomes more and more difficult to stay in touch with people. I enjoy reading articles on 20 Heartbreaking Things You Learn in Your 20s and similar threads. All of these always mention that a decreasing size of your friend group and a sense of feeling that you are losing touch with people who you thought would be there forever. Sad as it sounds it is quite a sobering truth and…. 

Apologies, I had to pause for those of you arguing with me and boasting about the 500 friends you have kept since high school. Well done, but you are the exception. ...it is quite a sobering truth and not necessarily a bad thing. Think about it. You will continue to meet people. You have probably met and bonded with many people. You will never lose those memories, those experiences, those lessons [those Instagram and Facebook photos]. However, realising that you may lose touch with many people who, right now, are very dear friends may be a necessary idea to accept. Once you accept it you can then think about how you will move past it, overcome it or fight it (we all have that one friend who wants to fight everything and everyone). 

How you deal with it is up to you. 

Personally I will approach it as an opportunity for growth. I will continue to meet as many new people as I can, and get to know as many people as I can, and open up to them in an attempt to connect, and possibly build friendships and long lasting relationships. However, should I find myself at a point where I grow distant from those I consider friends. For whatever reason if we chat less, spend less time together, lose interest in each other. I will accept it gracefully and move on. On a more proactive front, I will use these experiences to ask myself what I really want out of my life and the relationships in it. I will use these experiences to help myself grow and improve the relationships to come, plant the seed for those few relationships that may last forever. 

In coming to an end I am reminded of an Elvis Presley song (originally by Ray Price) that my father always played (still does) for my brother and I, 

 “Don't look so sad, I know it's over 

But life goes on and this old world will keep on turning 

Let's just be glad, we had some time to spend together 

There's no need to watch the bridges that we're burning”

Aydn Parrott's first guest post was 'Wait and Hope'

Family Constitutions

Being wealthy can get complicated. Particularly if that wealth is shared.  Many very wealthy families end up being mini-institutions. They have to have things like 'Family Constitutions' deciding what they stand for. What the rules are. They have to think about succession planning. Who is going to run the family? What skills are required? Countries have constitutions for dealing with how people are supposed to interact with each other. One of the first known written constitutions came from Medina where a group of families asked Muhammad to come from Mecca to Yathrib (which became Medina) to help a group of families function as a 'bigger unit'. As the unit got bigger and bigger, this constitution would have become less relevant. More abstract.

Learning to work together

There is something empowering about not having to bother with being part of a bigger group. You don't have to get permission. When things are small, and without huge repercussions, decisions can take account of subtleties. The unspoken. When it is just you, you can decide how you spend your money. You can decide how you spend your time. When you are in a relationship, suddenly you have to discuss spending habits. When you have children, you have to think about their needs. For most people, there is then a huge jump between that and the constitution of the country. 

At each stage, it requires uncomfortable conversations about what is important. It requires compromise. It requires taking into account minorities. It involves thinking about what is okay to force people to do, and what is not okay. When is it okay to be paternal? When do you need to let people find their own way? A struggle between individual rights and group rights.  As groups get bigger you become a custodian of the shared wealth and culture of the group. What responsibilities do the privileges you have inherited entail? We struggle enough deciding who we are. Deciding who a group is is even more complicated. Groups evolve. They share. They learn. 

Groups are also where the magic lies. The support when we are down and out. The people to celebrate with when we have shared success. 

True wealth lies in our complicated connections to other people.

Fuller Dining Hall Friendships

I have known a few of my closest friends almost all my life. We grew up together and have seen each other through some of the best and worst times of our lives. Some of my really good buddies come from work. I still find it amusing how much time we spend with colleagues relative to how much we spend with friends and family. As such, I never believed in the keeping work and friendship separate. What you spend most of your time on should be deeply personal. But the biggest chunk of those who I feel really know me comes from my days at University. From my days in the halls of Smuts and Fuller.

One of the paintings in the flames was of Sue Folb. She was the warden of Fuller when I was there. I had channeled my energy into the residences. One of the projects was an Orientation Week where we introduced new students to Cape Town and to each other. Students by their nature are figuring stuff out. Passionate. Active. I was one of those, and drove that energy and learning into O-Week. We used it as a way to bring together people from all sorts of different backgrounds. Mrs Folb helped channel my stubborn, noisy, ignorant energy. She was an ally. I can remember sitting on her couch as she listened to me, talked with me, mentored me about not trying to impose my ideas on other people. Even if I believed deeply in those ideas. Even if I was right. She taught me about building consensus.

Fuller was named after UCT's first female graduate. Megan Butler explains, 'She attended at a time when women were meant to "know their place" and later founded the residence for women to make it easier for others to attend university against the odds. She made campus a *more* inclusive place.' The painting of Mrs Fuller was in the flames too.

Megan was one of the people I met at university. I have written about how the Fuller Dining Hall is one of the models I think about for how we could build a happier world. Arriving in the hall, you could sit amongst any of the groups already there and chat. Outside the definition of yourself built over years at school, you could dive into new worlds. It is where I learnt from friends about the difficulties of coming into white dominated schools with a culture shock. It is where I met people who had come from difficult backgrounds to grasp at the opportunity education can offer.

As we get busier in life, friendships can get culled. A buddy and I joke that it is a little like the movie 'The Highlander'. Busyness steps in chopping heads off and you feel the quickening when a friendship circle shrinks as friends disappear. You worry that in the end 'there can be only one'. University was different. Smuts and Fuller were different. University was a time when you met lots of people. Your world view was challenged. The quickening came as you grew powerful through more connections. Broader understanding. A decolonised mind. 

'There can be only one'

Most of the weddings I go to are mini-reunions for those wonderful days. Busyness means I don't get to see those friends as much as I would like. At one of those weddings, I met a friend of the groom who became a friend. In that way, we are all friends with a few degrees of separation. That friend was John McInroy. He is one of the people that builds my confidence that we are moving forward. The moving can feel tough, but we are moving.

John started the Unogwaja Challenge a few years back. They cycle from Cape Town to the start of the Comrades Marathon over 10 days. Last year, he got off his bike and walked the 1700kms over the course of a month to have more conversations. The Red Socks Friday movement he has started aims at building and remembering the connections we have to others. There is a Red Sock Friday run at the Langa Hockey Club every Friday at 5pm. If you are in Cape Town, get there. Build friendships. Move forward. Like Mrs Fuller. Like Mrs Folb.

Build friendships. Like those built in the Dining Hall of Fuller. Learn words. Get fit. Do something.

#FriendshipMustRise

Declaring Interdependence

In declaring independence, I have had to make some big life style changes. I decided that what was important to me was spending time with people I care about, and chipping away at my ignorance about the world I live in. I no longer earn a salary. I live off a modest notional salary that I think my long term savings can sustainably support. My money is the breadwinner, I am the homemaker. 'Modest' in terms of what I was earning, not in terms of what most people in the world earn. I am incredibly privileged. The global median household income is about $10,000 (£7,000 or R160,000).  That is for a family! So about $3,000 each. So 3.7 billion people survive on less than that. In the UK, the median household income (and this is a wealthy country) is about £24,000. That, especially in London, feels modest but is relatively decadent in global terms. Nearly 2.8 billion people live on less than $2 a day.

One of the things that gets more difficult is socialising. Given how secretive we are about what we earn (and how tied into pride etc. it is as a signal of success), even going out for a bite to eat can get problematic. Sustainable doesn't include regular meals at restaurants I would have previously considered ordinary. The average pint of beer costs £3.60. So two Londoners who earned the household median and spent all their money on beer (no food, clothes or any thing else) would still 'only' get 9 pints a day.

The irony, is that if you are time rich, and can learn to cook, you can make fantastic food yourself at home. Last night I made an incredibly yummy, very easy, tomato soup. The challenge is shifting the places you meet people to your home or theirs. As things stand, people end up socialising with others who can 'afford to keep up'. It isn't much fun constantly being sponsored by other people, or being punched in the stomach every time you strive to keep up.

We spend most of our time working with a subset of people who share relatively similar world views. If we throw in financial constraints on the little bit of social time we allow ourselves, our bubbles are likely to get reinforced with steel.

How often do people end up spending time getting to know people outside their bubbles? How can we possibly start to understand the way they see the world if we don't? A lot of our belief in building a society that works has come from groups being fairly represented. I am not convinced that that is the answer. We build a society that works by getting to know each other. We don't build partisan ideologies that support our world view. We spend time with each other. We listen to each other. We build our views out to incorporate others so they become a part of who we are.

Declaring Independence is less important than Declaring Interdependence. 

Together

While in Edinburgh I have been staying in a Hostel. This makes the travel part of my blogging a lot cheaper than if I needed my own space. A clean, comfortable bed, fast wifi and a good shower is enough. All that needs doing when I am in the room is sleeping, so having 9 other people in the dorm doesn't bother me. I am a fan of cohousing. Some of my best memories come from living in residence with a bunch of friends. When you have to organise to see people, even really close friends, sometimes time and life get in the way. It's not at all that you don't want to see them, there are just more clear and present dangers to fight.

There are some very obvious reasons why the advantages of communal living fall apart. On one night, a big red-bearded hipster spent most of the night reciting a poetry of sorts to himself. I say poetry because the Fringe was on, and I am giving him credit for creative surrealism. More likely it was just booze speaking. On another night about 7 people returned at 5 in the morning and decided some djing and dancing were in order. Mostly though, people have just slept when they were in the room and kept rather quiet. Eye covers and ear plugs and you are sorted.

Ear plugs are cheaper than a private room

I think the things that push people away from Communal living are partly a clash of habits, a lack of private space and a feeling that at some point you deserve your own space. If you share a kitchen, clearing up someone else's mess drives some people mad. Having people moan at them about the 'mess' drives others mad. Someone may be a great mate when you don't use the same sink. As layers of old food accumulate, warm fuzzy feelings can become more rare. Even if they are a great mate with similar habits and levels of cleanliness, often people just need to be in their bubble when they get home. They need to shift from a crazy work headspace and have no energy left for banter. The downside of sharing where you rest and recover is you can't be quite as selfish. You have to be nice. Sometimes nice requires more energy than is available. Which is a reason families end up bickering sometimes. They just aren't being nice to each other. People who love each other may treat each other so badly, it is hard to understand how they like each other. I think this is more often due to a lack of energy than maliciousness.

But shared living spaces can be awesome when they work well. Last night after the Hostel Bar closed, and the official music system was turned off, one chap started playing the piano. It was a lot of fun singing along to tunes that cross the imaginary borders that theoretically separate the united nations of hostel occupants. People from all over singing together. A happy place.

Warm and Fuzzy

It is a long time since I have been in one place long enough to have a pet. I am just coming to the end of a second stint of pet sitting. The little dude I have been keeping company rocks. 

Despite knowing that pets can contribute hugely to happiness, it seems there are a few basic requirements that have to fall in place first. You can't really be wandering around too much. My family had a dog named Milligan. After Spike. Whenever we went on holiday and had to leave him at the kennel, we would come back with him having lost a bunch of weight. Besides the cost, the guilt with the poor guy not knowing when we were coming back wasn't great. If you have a great support network, then presumably the dogs can stay with someone they know. I have spoken about the advantages of communities in terms of meals and helping with kids. Pets would be another tick. If you live in an area or arrangement where the pet is effectively shared, then you wouldn't have to worry about flexibility.

A friend of mine absolutely loves pets but for all the reasons above, hasn't been able to get one. When talking about shared spaces, we were trying to think of how you could introduce pets. There are plenty of pets at RSPCAs in need of attention, often from people who underestimate the commitment. Perhaps a little sharing would help.

Once all the pieces fall in place, the simple affection you get is rather intoxicating. Whatever your choice of company. Some go for the big dogs who they can run with. Some go for the little dogs who look at the leash with a smirk. Whether a pet or a person, the unquestionable knowledge that your company is appreciated is warm and fuzzy.

Cats and Dogs

I am spending three weeks petsitting. Pets have been noticeably absent from any of my blog posts, despite the theme being happiness. How can I defend their absence? I write on so many things that I have absolutely no clue about. Hence my regular pleas for guest blog posts. I have two Vets I am working on. But there is a balance between asking someone and becoming a mosquito. 

I had a wonderful dog growing up. I believe Milligan was a cross between a fox terrier and a poodle, but I don't think anyone knew for sure. He was awesome. I have a wonderful photo of the two of us sleeping next together when I was a little guy. He always seemed to know when you were ill and would sleep next to the couch or your bed. Like Mother Bears porridge, he was neither too big nor too small. Just right. I have to admit to struggling with yappy dogs, slobbery dogs or jumpy dogs.

As for cats. We had a couple. One named Tut, who we all loved dearly but had an unfortunate run in with our neighbourhood Pit Bull Terrier (unsurprisingly #1 on the first list of danger dogs I googled). The second had a few names - Fat Cat stuck best. Unfortunately Fat Cat soured my Man-Cat relations and was grumpy in the kind of way that doesn't make you millions of dollars.

Grumpy Cat has made way more money than you

My project for the next three weeks is to keep two dogs and two cats happy and healthy till their loving owners return. Maybe it will give me some more insight into animals and my own happiness. It has been a long time since Milligan left my world. The main handbrake for me has always been the fact that I been wandering the globe. I am also a little hesitant of messy pets turning my home into a zoo. It seems you have to be in one place and you have to live in a big house with a big garden to do pets justice.

Perhaps the co-housing model of the Danes would help solve that? You get less of the wasted space of one family living in a huge house, and you get enough people around so that you can go on holiday or travel without concern. I also like the idea of pets at Third Places. The well trained sort would make great additions to schools, hospitals, coffee shops, and even libraries (read a book, stroke a cat).

I know there are lots of dog and cat people out there. Anyone want to do a better job than me at stating the case for pets and happiness?

Burgeoning Families

You have to love Australia's 'Winning Culture'. Meeting an Aussie last night and getting through the typical first question of 'what do you do?' with my 'I write a blog on happiness and learning' response, he responded, 'Right buddy, get ready to take some notes' and handed me a Pure Blonde. All the chaps standing around were in the burgeoning family stage. Happiness and learning was focussed on their mini mes.

In truth, I am not smack in the middle of the 'thinking about happiness' demographic. That is probably when you have hours to sit around and not many responsibilities. The majority of my buddies are battening down the hatches. Between work and kiddies under six, there isn't much time for anything else. You know what they say about raising children though, 'The first 18 years are the hardest'. In one of the most entertaining looks at happiness I have come across, Daniel Gilbert talks about the challenges to happiness posed in the child raising years. I am a big fan of little people, but I know that I am in the position of being able to feed them sugar and hand them back as soon as they start wriggling. Many of my friends have that crazed, when-will-sleep-return look in their eyes.

Quite a few of these mommies and daddies have been keen to write guest posts, but finding an hour when energy and quiet coincide is tough. In Australia I am told new Mums get an hour with a social worker shortly after the baby gets home. They give them a bit of coaching and then they are on their own. The question I have been wondering about is whether this is indeed a case of just getting through the tough times, or whether there is a better way to give new parents support. All the points I write about when it comes to happiness - exercise, diet, relaxation, breathing, positive thinking, relationships and flow - get put under real pressure in those first few years.

The documentary 'Happy' looks at co-housing in Denmark. I wonder if that would help? The traditional 'graduation' to a nuclear family leaves families struggling between balancing breadwinning and child rearing with two adults to share the tasks. This means both are likely busy all the time. More than all the time. In the old days when people lived close together you would have had support from family and friends. For all the benefits of a global world, it does stretch support networks. I, as an example, am a more than willing baby sitter but the people I care about are scattered across the globe. Plus I look like Tom Hanks from Castaway so some mothers would be understandably scared. The beard does seem to fascinate little people though.

Co-housing may include a few young families and some people at latter stages in their lives. You get the advantage of granny wisdom, you may have teenage babysitters, you can share cooking and cleaning duties, and hopefully simply have a little bit more time. 

For most of my friends in this situation, it seems their wishes are actually quite simple - a little more sleep.