The Benefits of Melancholy (Tim)

As I write this, I’m listening to the Smiths’ “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now”. It’s perfect for an overcast Sunday morning. “Why do I give valuable time to people who don’t care if I live or die?” croons Morrissey, at once sad and ironic. It’s a morbid and amusing mix of self absorbed and self-effacing. It’s certainly melancholy, but is it depressing? Funny how this miserable music is actually making me feel better.

Depression and melancholy are two very different things, and I think recognizing the difference can do us the world of good. Depression is characterized by a loss of interest in life and an overwhelming sense of helplessness. Being told to ‘cheer up’ or ‘snap out of it’ doesn’t help in the least. It is a destructive state in that it harms both the sufferer and his loved ones. Often, clinical intervention is the only option.

By contrast, melancholy is a potentially creative state. It is a state of quiet reflection on the generally tragic nature of life. But where depressive thoughts lead only to a sense of helplessness, melancholy can be constructive, resulting in personal growth and wisdom. It’s okay to sink a little deeper into that black pool of dark thoughts because we may well come out with a little more fortitude and a little more inner strength.

Nowadays, we tend to think that melancholy is only de rigueur for anxious spotty-faced teens with long fringes, but it actually has a long and venerable history. The Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes begins with a line that would make Morrissey proud, “’Meaningless! Meaningless!’ Says the Teacher. ‘Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless!’” This is the author’s conclusion about the futility of human life, “The Race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong...but time and chance happen to them all.” It’s a bit reminiscent of Leonard Cohen, “Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed.”

Leonard Cohen

And yet, if you read the whole of Ecclesiastes (or Leonard Cohen for that matter), you’ll see that the author isn’t resigned to depression. He concludes that while life is inscrutable, the best response is not to stay in bed, but go on with your life, to cultivate wisdom and fortitude, and to enjoy what simple pleasures you can.

A big part of this newfound wisdom is the insight that it’s not all about you. You may start off all mopey because you’re the victim of some perceived slight. But, by delving deeper, you may broaden your view a little, and with a little humour, you may come to see how absurd your victim complex is. Perhaps self-absorbed bitterness isn’t the right response in a world full of innocent victims. Sometimes to get to this point, we just need a little melancholy.

So next time you’re feeling a melancholy, it might be a good idea to roll with it. Put on ‘Everybody Hurts’ by REM, or ‘Helpless’ by Neil Young, or anything by Leonard Cohen or The Smiths. Let yourself sink into that melancholy funk for a while and see what wisdom comes up. 

Other posts by Tim Casteling

Old Friends; Equality; Sharper Stones; Free Speech; Advice Free Listening

Changing Views

One of the thing I struggle with when friends, family or people I know have mental health issues is that they are normally far more of an expert than I am. There isn't much I can say. This is obvious. People tend to show interest in things that are relevant to them. Michael J. Fox knows more about Parkinson's disease because he got it. Anyone who has an issue that affects them, especially one that disrupts their lives, will get to know as much about it as possible.

So when someone is depressed, or has anorexia etc., they will usually know significantly more than you will even be able to read up on. I like the idea that I can help my friends. I like the idea that when they speak to me, they feel better afterwards. I am a do gooder. Taking a step back is incredibly difficult. Watching an expert you care about doing something that makes no sense requires incredible restraint.

It is not far from our regular approach to 'mental issues' that aren't diseases. We all have a worldview that can not be displaced by logic. Most of the time we have heard the arguments against our worldview many, many times. We are the experts in rebuffing the arguments or withdrawing into a defensive shell. It is almost impossible to change someone's worldview. Only they can change it. I don't think our perspectives are static for the simple reason that no one I have ever met has a consistent worldview. We all carry ideas around that contradict each other. Normally we can get away with this because we can use different views in different bubbles. When two of our ideas clash, we get cognitive dissonance. The two ideas will fight, and the one that is most important to us will change.

 

Telling someone a story that doesn't resonate with their World View is pointless

That is why we need to be patient about changing people's minds. A Professor I met the other day says this is the approach he takes in teaching. He repeats ideas in small doses. Slowly, he sees the penny drop for more and more students. Some eyes remain blank, but there is nothing you can do about that. People only absorb ideas when they want to absorb ideas. We overestimate how much we can do in the short term, but we underestimate how much we can do in the long term by doing a little bit at a time. I think we learn about the big ticket items that change our worldview in the same way. Through drips.

It can be ridiculously frustrating when someone believes something, or does something that makes no sense, rationally or emotionally. This is true of mental health issues, and it is true of each and every one of us. We all have our own special flavour of crazy. Other people's craziness can make us angry.

Changes happen gradually, and it is hard to accept that listening to and trying to understand someone else's worldview is the most effective way of both people ending up better off.

Staying Alive

Mental health is a quagmire when it comes to knowing how to respond. If someone has a physical illness, I think we are normally quite good at showing sympathy. When it comes to 'stuff of the mind', I have always struggled.  This is a big problem since lots of people we care about suffer from problems of the non-'my pants are on fire' variety. We don't have buckets of water to throw on them. We don't know what to do.

A starting point seems to be empathy, but even that is hard. Depression is a big one. I have written about the challenge of 'silencing your perspective' in order to try understand others. The first place we go to is our own experience. But, I don't think I have ever been depressed. I am lucky enough to have a natural bias towards being glass half full. I think the closest I have come was as an 11-12 year old boy. But I was sad, not depressed. I wasn't very good at banter and so was very easy to get a response out of when teased. I also had a justice complex, so if anyone was being teased I would often end up sticking my nose in. I taught at a prep school between school and university, and saw that age from the other side. Kids can be mean. But they are learning. And interestingly, while you feel like you are alone at the time, it seems most people go through a tough stage at school. I don't think that stage was depression for me. I never thought it wasn't going to end. It was just a stage that sucked. That I needed to get through.

Matt Haig is a writer who has suffered from, and is trying to raise the level of understanding of depression. I came across him when Stephen Fry, who also openly suffers from depression, recommended his book 'The Humans'. It is a very funny novel which looks at what it is like to be alive from an alien perspective. This Alien was sent to earth to destroy any evidence of a dramatic scientific breakthrough. The superior life form didn't believe Humans were sufficiently emotionally intelligent to cope with the power this breakthrough would unleash. His up and down process of getting to know us is wonderful.

Following on from 'The Humans', Haig has written about his own personal experience with depression in 'Reasons to Stay Alive'. I don't think that we have to actually experience something to be able to empathise. I don't think we are unique snowflakes destined to go through life only understanding our own experiences. I think we can recognise glimpses of our experience in others. We can learn from others. We can have the emotional experience through our response to music, art, drama, dance or words. Haig has the ability to make the experience of depression tangible, but also the words to demystify it.

If one of the biggest challenges is our feeling that Mental Health issues aren't normal, these books help start a conversation that can change that. Tough times are normal. And they do pass.

Collection of Moments

Steve responded to the first line of my 'Walk As One' post with the comment that he is counting on science to solve the ageing problem. The line was 'The only thing that is immortal is this moment'. Like Steve, I am quite excited about our progress in understanding the human body and the science of keeping us healthy, not just alive, for much longer. I have heard talk that if we can make it through the next couple of decades, we will live healthily to the age of 150. I think that is awesome.

'This moment' is different though. The point of the post was about the Unogwaja Challenge and John McInroy's decision to go on foot from Cape Town to the start of the Comrades. The point of that line was that clinging to immortality is amusing in a way, depending on how you define it. You can choose to define yourself. If you go through a process of figuring out who you are, it is normally a process of elimination. You realise you are 'Not this, Not that'. Not your hand, not your nose, not your toes. Not your race, not your province, not your country. Not your gender, not your sexuality, not your religion.

When we die, we may burn our ashes or bury our bodies. Those bodies are not us. Every 7 years or so, they are almost completely new. If you change your diet, and you are what you eat, 7 years can make you a whole different person. In 'Reason To Stay Alive', Matt Haig tells the tale of his depression. In it, he has conversations with his younger depressed self. These two individuals, while linked, are different people. So is Matt Haig either of them? Or neither of them? Or both of them?

None of us knows the answers to these questions. I also prefer questions that have practical answers or useful further questions. I like the idea of looking for a story that lets me bounce back at anything that life throws at me. We spend so much time trying to figure out who we are. I am trying to flip that on its head. I am trying to spend more time figuring out who I am not. By trying new things, you can slowly break down the things you can't do and get to the juice. The stuff that makes life awesome. Frankly, I think we are more interesting than me. We can do a lot of things. By relaxing a little about trying to figure out our mortal personal identity, we can get cracking on the things that matter more.

We are already immortal. And all we are is a collection of moments.

But yes, having bodies that lasted longer would rock.