Different Questions

It is easy to paint a picture of my story that seems like it all went according to plan. I talk about Engine Building and Financial Freedom in a way that may make it seem like I knew how things would pan out. In reality, my philosophy is a work in progress that keeps requiring repair. On several significant occasions, I have had to reboot. When a door closes, my approach (once I have stopped sulking) is to try and think of something awesome I could do that I couldn't have done otherwise.

I could quite easily have still been working in a Corporate Job but for a different sliding door. I loved being an Investment Analyst. I loved studying the philosophies of the investors I worked with, developing my own, and understanding and addressing clients' concerns. I had awesome colleagues and clients, who because work dominates most of our current lives, were also my close friends. When I was at a green company, my blood bled green. When I was at blue companies, my blood bled blue. Support that verged on the fanaticism I show for the South African Rugby and Cricket teams. Although, I like to think I was able to back that (the work) up with clear-eyed due diligence and evidence.

The heart of my problem is I am not good at "playing the game". I don't detach very easily. I care a lot. I am wired with a level of "righteousness" that values transparency, honesty, and relationships more than sometimes allows me to just get the job done. And I am not always right when I a righteous. I am also installed with a switch, that allows me to get very task-focused and competitive if I put it on. A friend at university once told me I would never get married unless I chose a doormat, because she was so exasperated at my dictatorial nature. Another friend told me that I didn't care about the truth, I just cared about getting my way. I normally started incredibly inclusively and interested in feedback, but as a deadline approached I became a version of myself I didn't like at all.

I am also allergic to hierarchy. Not if I feel inspired, buy-in, and am clear on my role in something bigger. I have an inbuilt Apartheid South African disrespect for authority. Particularly the unearned kind in place because of luck, deceit, politics, or privilege. I can't stomach the ego that often gets attached to Corporate Classism where promotions come with perks and swagger, as people rise to their level of incompetence (and stop there).

Part of why I wanted to stop working for money was frustration. The more positive part was I wanted to see what life would be like if I didn't have to fight so hard against my inner demons. The things that matter to me most are learning and relationships. And yes, I don't like being told what to do or feeling like my fate is not in my own hands. Autonomy and consent are my food and water.

I hope that what I write doesn't come across as a prescribed "How to?" as if I have any idea about the problems you are facing. I write about money more than I would like, mostly because I believe that things would be very different if everybody had an Engine behind them to loosen the control money has over their decisions. I feel incredibly privileged to be in a position to choose different rather than more. Building an Engine isn't an answer. It allows people to ask different questions.

Trying a different angle

Hard Thing First

When I finished school, I didn’t know what I wanted to “be”. Top of the list were Teacher or Architect because I thought they combined my interest in Learning, Art, and Mathematics. Both my brothers were at Medical School, and three sets of fees was too much of a push for my parents. The UK offered a two-year working holiday visa. I worked as a waiter to save for the plane ticket, and then got a job as a gap student at a prep school in Chichester. While there, I saved my Pounds like a hamster, and plotted what to study. On trips to London, I felt “poor”. Look, but don’t touch. I decided to be deeply pragmatic. It was easier to make a career out of Maths skills, and a hobby of Art, than vice versa. I chose Actuarial Science, which topped the list of many surveys of the best professions. Hard, but safe. If I busted a gut for a few years, then I could do the stuff I wanted. Do the hard things first was very much the way I had been deep soaked growing up. Gratefully, Old Mutual also had a bursary scheme. This meant the money issue was taken off the table, in exchange for working for them after my studies.

Working as a Porter in the English School Holidays

Personal Manifesto

It’s not about me

A focus on identity is a recipe for unhappiness. Identity is temporary and is a manifestation of our shared existence. I believe in an infinite world with no beginning and no end. A world I have no way of understanding and yet will continue to try understand. My deepest held belief is something I do not believe. I do not matter, but if I believe that, then nothing will matter. I stand for empowerment. The ability to see in others beauty and strength to which I aspire. I will define myself as someone who is unwinding his definition.

My drawing of a friend

It’s all about me

I can only understand the world through the tools I have been given. This includes my reality, the skills I have and grow, and the way the world interacts with me. Fighting this is not constructive. In understanding myself, I have the greatest ability to contribute. I have to look after the vehicle (physical self) and emotions (how I respond) to participate fully. I will continue to be curious, using the only fully willing ‘model’ to draw. All I need is a mirror. So I will not be afraid of the mirror. I will be a half-hearted fanatic, willing to give generously but fiercely defending the boundaries needed to protect my ability to give sustainably. I will not throw my life away. It is precious. I will also not live meekly. I will take calculated risk. I will let my emotions lead me where indecision would stifle my ability to engage. I will be brave. I will not fear death, I will fear not living.

A friend's drawing of me

Detachment

I will live my life by walking lightly and loving deeply. I work on built-in redundancy. Building resilience, and the ability to cope with whatever the world throws at me. When I face disappointment, I try and do something amazing that I couldn’t have done if that milestone had not happened. This doesn’t make me celebrate and enjoy the ‘dreams that died’ any less. I like to imagine infinite parallel universes in which anything that could have happened, did happen. This is just my opportunity to make the most of this particular random set of events. I try let go of the idea that everything happens for a reason. Reasons are added in hindsight. Detachment helps give life meaning rather than having meaning given to me.

Self-Portrait (2000, 2001 & 2002)

Empathy

I am not a bat. I can not see through the eyes of a bat. It is not possible for me to imagine being someone else. I can only imagine myself in their world. It is not possible for me to let go of my own tools of understanding. It is worth trying. We have wonderful imaginations and can expand our realities by learning the tools of others. By finding a way to connect to and enrich our worlds through others. That is one of my primary motivating factors. Curiosity to expand my ability to see.

Creativity

I do not believe creativity is purely about bringing visions to reality. It is a conversation. A dance. A relationship. I try be an active participant in the world and celebrate what it has to offer. Creativity is cultivating the art of appreciation. Developing a deeper knowledge and mastery of the way different elements engage. Developing a deeper knowledge of how we communicate. Through words, music, drama, colour, line, form, phrasing, tone, silence, contrast, energy and warmth. Diving into creativity is the source of our ability to thrive.

Acceptance

There are 7.4 Billion people on the planet and too many problems, even in my own family, even in my own life, to sort out. It is not my job. I am not able to sort out the worlds problems. There will always be challenges. There will always be pain, sadness, suffering and darkness. That is part of beauty. Developing a life approach where I feel comfortable with the balance between appreciating the world for what it is, and nudging it in a way that adds and sustains value.

Relationships

I believe the heart of understanding is tangible connections. In intimate relationships, we can develop an understanding of things that goes beyond the conscious. That taps into our Tacit Knowledge. I treasure, cultivate, and invest in relationships. I experiment with ways to grow and sustain my connections to others. I learn how people communicate, and how I can best communicate with them. I want to help build communities, and believe that starts with individual connections.

Empowerment

I hate Archy. It drives me bonkers. I believe in empowerment rather than power. I do believe in rules, but as a tool. Rules are simply the consciously understood terms of engagement. If the rule is not followed, it is not really a rule. I try manage this by lowering my expectations of others, but being generous in what I give out. In accepting that other people’s irritation and disappointment is their own to manage. This is counter to my natural emotional wiring which is a ‘Saviour Complex’ and a hatred of ‘getting things wrong’. The only thing I can control and impact is my own emotional world, and my own actions. I take responsibility for that. I will shift my Saviour Complex to an Empowerment Drive.

Personal Story (with Rich) - Part 1

Trev:

I am hesitant about speaking of my religious views. It feels a little like talking about an ex girlfriend in public. I get quite emotional when I start even contemplating the existence of the God I believed in growing up. I also know that God is very important to lots of people I care about. They talk publicly about God. They believe that if I don't believe, that is a very big problem. I worry most about what the older members of my family think. It is easier to just avoid the subject. My youth pastor growing up is someone I have been reconnecting with through mutual interests in online discussion. He asked... So it is time for me to wade into that uncomfortable area.

Rich:

Trev, I love the fact that we can chat about this, so many years later. I remember so much of that early faith journey of yours. It was an epic time in my ministry... a purple patch of sorts. Leading a bunch of teens along a path that (I still believe) is central to our existence... "setting them up for life"... what a rush!! Loved those people and those times. I look back now and (I know for a fact that) most of those teens are not connected with church anymore. For a long time this was very painful to me... I guess we both share massive emotions around this issue. Having said that... I truly believe that the space between us in this conversation is a safe space.

Many moons ago at the Westville Baptist Church

Trev:

I am not sure where to start. I was always a curious little guy and not one to leave stones unturned. I looked for consistency in things and a story that resonates. Before diving into my story, I do think faith is deeply personal. It is the whole reason the Church evolved from something where people were told what to believe to a place where they figured it out themselves, with help. I don't think it is a coincidence that various faiths, and people who aren't religious, are still able to have fruitful conversations about the things that matter. Discussions of morality, law, communication and living a good life can be done independently of our own personal stories. Though our stories add flavour.

Rich:

"I do think faith is deeply personal". Trev, trying to latch onto what you are saying in that statement (though obviously I agree with the sentiment at face value). If I understand correctly, you are stating that we all have an inner reservoir of experience/hope etc. that reaches for the faith tool to be explained/understood... did I understand you correctly? If I did get you, you then throw (seemingly) a curve ball to say "discussions of morality, law (etc)... can be done independently of our own personal stories" Can you expand a bit on the "deeply personal" and "independent of personal stories" tension please.

Trev:

Historically religion has often been used as a tool for controlling the masses. Telling them the 'truth' independent of their context. People pushed back, e.g. the Protestant movement in Christianity, to say there is a direct relationship with a higher power. For me, whether you are religious, spiritual, atheist or whatever, that's your own bag. Find a story that resonates for you and lets you fill the gaps. Independently of that story, the stuff we have to wrestle with is how to function as a society. Law, ethics, morality and building of communities is very tangible. The stories may add flavour, but we have to come to a common ground and that requires flexibility and tolerance.

Rich:

I fully agree with a major aspect of what you are saying Trev... every person is called to act according to their conscience. Each of us can/ should only do what we think is best and right. Having said that, the story we might find ourselves in, may not permit complete autonomy (though we will fight for it to the bitter end). If in fact I do have a relationship with an Eternal God, I had better find zones in which I simply fall in line with His reasoning, or I am in danger of simply creating a god in my own image. This would imply that although there will be much common ground (which we should celebrate and accentuate) there may also be significant and irreconcilable differences. What do we do with those?

Trev:

I don't know. But I do think the question of how to deal with irreconcilable difference is easier than how to convince people to believe what we believe. Even if it requires pragmatic hacks. It stops us debating and starts a conversation. The point becomes a philosophical, psychological, legal or social science one. How do we create a society that allows people to live meaningful lives as individuals, as communities and as neighbours? Faith then becomes a thing of beauty. Not a thing of division.

Rich:

I love the thought of us being able to focus (massively) on unity, conversation, togetherness and to live life from that basis. To describe that approach in terms that my "tribe" would relate to, we should all work really hard at discovering the image of God that is to be found in every person we meet. Their opinions, actions, perspectives etc. could easily be laced with something from God that we have forgotten/are ignorant of. So how does all this relate to the fact that you were once part of my tribe... but have now chosen not to be? ;-)

Trev:

If a tribe is the people who agree, have had the same journey, and will respond to life's challenges in the same way, we are all in tribes of one. If we expand the definition of a tribe to those who would benefit from looking after each other, we are all in one tribe. From my perspective we are in the only tribe there is. I know I certainly agree with you on things that are important, that some people from "your/my old" tribe disagree with. Disagreement shouldn't divide. We can develop language and culture that frees us from the lottery of geography, genetics and circumstance of our birth. We are better than tribes.

Rich:

Trev, I have been learning so much (from you) about the best type of open-mindedness I have heard verbalised. It is an awesome sedative (more than that) in a world of bullying, condemnation and manipulation. Nevertheless, I battle to settle with the idea of trying to convert someone (as tough as it is) as an unloving act. An example; I have a couple of friends whose commitment to work is so high that it concerns me massively. I have seen this film and know how it ends... for their family, marriages and their health. I could choose to celebrate their high work ethic or their sense of loyalty... but I believe I should call a spade a shovel and ask them (nicely) to "convert". It is a gift a friend should offer. I cannot help myself... I will always hope for the opportunity to once again lead my buddies from a bye-gone era back into a connection with God. It is (I believe) the most loving gift I can offer.

--- [being continued...] ---

My first guest conversation with Richard Erasmus was on 'Better Interacting'

David Black and Ruth Lomas

Allow me a moment of self-indulgence, but I am busy visiting my Gran and Grampa in Durban... and my Grampa wants to track two of his school friends down, or at least find out what they got up to after school.

Bardsley Scott Sutton (Born 1926 or 1927)
Geoffrey Louis Lass (Born 1928)

They went to school with my Grandfather David Noel Bernard Black at King Edward VII School in Johannesburg where they matriculated in 1945.

A little bit of the story of David and Ruth (the sort he would like to find out about his two school buddies):

After matriculating from KES, David spent two years working on his Dad's (Alan) farm before heading to Cedara Agricultural College in 1948. It was there that he met Ruth Millicent Lomas, my Gran. Her father 'was a rolling stone' and she had gone to school all over as he travelled the country building bridges. She finished her schooling at Warner Beach School via Bulwer, Escourt, Ladysmith, Port Shepstone and other places. Her father Ernest Lomas had come out from England as a Red Coat and stayed. Despite moving all over, she was born in the same room as her mother. In 1949, Ruth and David got married and my father (Malcolm) was born.

They moved to back to the farm in Geluk on the Springbok flats, where if the rain fell it was so flat the water just stayed wherever it landed. They were there from 1949 to 1959 where they had their 3 kids (Malcolm, Thelma and Shelley). In 1959, they moved to Goedgegun (Nhlangano) in Swaziland where they farmed till 1965. In 1966, they moved to Johannesburg to join David's cousin in a toy factory called Reindeer Products. They moved the factory to Hammarsdale in Kwa-Zulu Natal in 1970. A fire in the factory in 1975 soon lead to them having to close shop, and after a few short stints at other toy factories, David joined Liberty Life as an Insurance Consultant in 1976 where he worked until his retirement 20 years later.

Ruth and David live in Kloof now, where if you pop over for tea at 4 o'clock, you are still likely to find David in Grease covered overalls as he potters around restoring antique cars. A big garage and a workshop the first thing he would want in any dream house.

Uncle Trev!

12 days after the due date, my little niece has joined us in the world! Can't wait to meet her.

Bermuda

After a brief lack of posts while I relocated from Jozi to Bermuda, I plan to be back with a bang.

A few first impressions of Bermuda or things that are a little different.

First, the rooves are all made out of quaried stone and collect water from the rain as there are no other sources of fresh water! So it is an island of white rooves.

It is actually very close to the States, less than a two hour flight from New York and Boston. So it is not really in the Bahamas or in the middle of nowhere as I expected. Even though the accent is American, and the currency is pegged to the US dollar, Bermuda is part of the UK. A population of just over 60,000 locals on an island of just over 24 miles squared. You are never more than a mile from the beach!

The water is that blue blue you associate with islands but I haven't had a chance to wander down to the beach yet.

It is very humid, so even the short walk to work this morning left me drenched... so tomorrow I plan on hiring a scooter to get me around.

A quirk... There is a guy named Johnny Barnes who stands at one of the turning circles from 4 am not matter what the weather... just to greet everyone and tell them he loves them! He is not a beggar (my first thought) as he stands at a point where no one could actually stop to give him money. He has been doing this for over 20 years and the bus stop by the circle is named after him. There is even a bronze statue of him about 15 metres down from the turning circle.

A few screws loose surely, but it does add a lot of character. So someone on the island loves me already... I know cause he told me so!