Off to Work

A foundational principle of Capitalism is that money can work. To turn ideas into reality, you need capital and containers. One form of container is Public Equity. An idea is turned into a legal person called a company. That company can make agreements. Which means “it” can make and sell stuff. If it is public equity, it means slices of ownership are sold on a stock market. This means you can put your money to work in any publicly listed company (if you find the price acceptable). Money carries less baggage than people. It does not have to deal with sexism, homophobia, racism, or xenophobia. For the most part, if the container (country) you were born in lets you move your money around the world, you can put it to work anywhere (without a job interview and someone projecting their insecurities onto you in a selection process). Capital is much more yogic than people. Yoga is the idea that everything is connected. It is people that we force into prefabricated ideas about what they can and cannot do. It is people’s worth we struggle to see. With money, what you do is much more important than any prejudices.

"On the way to the field" Van Gogh

Longue Durée

I still consider myself monolingual even though I have a childlike grasp of a few other languages. I believe you learn languages through embodiment. For the last few months, I have been following the Fluent Forever method of training my ear, tongue, and facial muscles to do French. It is a physical process. Deep soaking. The reason History matters is that much of the way we respond to the world is deep soaked. We don’t just wake up and decide who to be. A new French word I have learnt is “longue durée”. Long Duration. Giving priority to long term historical structures over the short term time frame that is the domain of the chronicler or journalist. I can’t wake up and decide English isn’t my mother tongue. If you want to understand me, you need to get to know me. Personally. But I would be fooling no one if I said my history didn’t matter. If I want to change, that is where I am changing from.

"American Progress" by John Gast

Unrequited Love

I went to co-ed schools up till the age of twelve. All my schooling (in the 80s and 90s) was in Westville, which is about 14km away from the Durban beachfront. Playschool was at Cygnet, and we were divided up into the Red, Blue, and Green Groups but all played together. Then when big school started, the little boys were given grey shorts and white shirts, and the girls blue dresses. We had classes together but separate playgrounds.

Once the difference between being a boy and a girl started to become obvious, I was pretty useless. I can still remember the line of the girls I (in one direction) liked. It was all very innocent, but I was still a bit of a creep. Mine isn't a love story of little boys and girls holding hands.

The only way to see the girl I liked was to run across the girls' playground. We were allowed to only because the toilets were on the other side. My ruse was pretty thin. The girls would often sit in circles talking, while the boys playground was relative chaos. I don't know how much this had to do with the choice of uniform.

When I got to Senior Primary, there was one occasion where we had to choose between Woodwork and Knitting. All the boys, bar Trev, chose woodwork. I was accused of being gay (in a very homophobic culture), which to this day I don't understand. Any rational person would know that by choosing knitting I would be getting to spend more time with the girls.

A similar situation happened with the choir. I now have a deep voice. Before it broke, I could sing higher, and was smaller, than most of the girls. Gender Apartheid would stretch to who sat where when we sang. I would again be with the girls. Although, it didn't improve my ability to speak to "them".

Circles or Football. Woodwork or Knitting. High Voice or Low Voice. Developing the skills to see each other as friends was actually quite a challenge. There was one stage when a girl's mother was a teacher. We (two boys and two girls) got to spend breaks in the library at the back of her classroom reading Afrikaans books. That isn't code, because we were incredibly well behaved, and any love felt was unrequited. Not that that stopped me trying. Oozey love letters to someone who didn't want to receive them seemed like a good idea. My crushes got a loyalty that was more curse than cute. The one girl gave the other a note she had written once, "helpful hints and tips to get rid of Trevor". From the age of 13, we went to separated High Schools. I am sure there were a few girls who breathed a sigh of relief.

I joined the Durban Youth Council when I was 16, and that was one of the first regular places where the mixing felt genuinely put aside to work on projects together. Where the girls were not only there on social occasions. Perhaps the difference was I was 16, and a little less creepy, but I still wonder about the underlying lessons we were being taught by the way things were set up.

Often I feel like unwinding some of the discussions about masculinity, femininity, gender roles, consent, expectations, obstacles needs to go quite deep. It feels almost like two parallel cultures we have built up, even though we have lived in the same spaces.

I am embarrassed about many of my trial and error lessons into figuring out the dance we play to find the person we build a life with. I am not alone. That confusion has seeped into building whole societies around gender separation. About seeing the entire other gender as a beauty/strength parade for a romanticised idea of that one relationship. Ideas built around property, protection, purity, survival, competition, success, and community. Gradually we have broken down walls, but there is some difficult building required in the rubble.

Toothy Grin, and Off to Boys' High School

New Games

Trev:

It sometimes feels like I am a passive bystander to the large events that are passing us by. I rouse myself to action, only to feel like it doesn't matter. In the meantime life goes on. Some of the happiest people I know just focus on the small things. I believe in the 80-20 rule for a lot of things. 80% of us are just trying to survive, but the stories we read are about the 20%. What most of us do is about looking after ourselves, and that is fine. Not feeling obliged to talk about everything allows you to create containers of calm. You don't have to talk about Politics. You don't have to talk about the difficult human dynamics at work. You don't have to focus on all the nasty things we do to each other. On all the pain.

The Narrator:
Focussing on his own stuff made Trev feel uncomfortable. He enjoyed feeling like he was making a contribution to the conversations and actions required to create the world he wanted to live in. For a few years, he had been writing a blog and actively engaging in Social Media. He had met some great people along the way. Other active participants like Graeme, Sindile, Mpiyakhe, Melusi and others made it worthwhile. People with clearly very different political views all desperately trying to raise the level of conversation. To find some sort of common ground in a world that seemed to be very shouty. Perhaps it was time to fictionalise the voices in his head. Get them talking.

Mark:
I don't bother. News is a waste of time. I don't ask anybody for anything, and I will sort myself out. I learned long ago that the best way to do something is by getting off your ass. The opportunities are there. Pick something off the menu instead of whining the whole time about what it is you want. The problem with most people is they look for excuses. There is always someone else to blame. Give me someone who takes responsibility over a whiner any day of the week. I certainly don't bother with Social Media conversations. No one listens anyway. It is mainly just a small group of the noisiest people looking for opportunities to get angry at each other. You never see people changing their mind. You never see the conversation progressing.

Paul: 
The time for looking for common ground has passed. "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing". We need to be looking in the mirror, and constantly having the difficult conversations. There are so many behaviours we have just stood back and allowed. Particularly when we are in rooms surrounded by people who look just like us. Then it is safe to refer to Africa as a country. Then it is safe to say that other groups are inherently lazy, or stupid, or criminal. It is only when it becomes unsafe in the groups that are powerful that there will be real change.

Sarah:
Except how come most of the voices are male? You guys seem either to have too much time on your hands or too much testosterone. It seems like a competition. How do you expect people to be vulnerable with each other if they are constantly being challenged? If you are constantly trying to fix people, rather than hold them? We are all a confused bunch full of conflicting emotions and prejudices. How are we supposed to unlearn our obstacles if we aren't even allowed to play in safety? Kids are little monsters. Not because they are little monsters in their souls, but because they are pushing the boundaries. Seeing where the borders between them and the world are. Maybe we need a different set of games to play?

Michelle:
The voices aren't mostly male. It is just that is the only people who get the platform. There are plenty of minority voices that get lost in the wind. Did you hear that Jordan Peterson clip where he named his favourite author in a split second, but got lost when asked for his favourite female author? The problem with doubling down on the conversation with the typical voices is we don't learn anything new. The same people lead the charge even if superficially they claim to be trying to self-reflect. I echo your call for a different set of games. I like the idea of being very considered about what it is we are trying to achieve. Then going about it step by step. The current approach just seems like we are shouting into the void, without anything changing. I'd rather not even participate then.

Trev:
I tried to provide a platform. I know I am noisy. So I have published a number of Guest Posts on my blog. I have also tried having Guest Conversations. Writing every day has made it relatively easy for me. So I tried doing 5x2 paragraphs with someone Theatre Sport style. I write, you write, till we have each had five turns to do a paragraph. Then we publish. The problem is most people are very busy. Especially, it is true, most of the very accomplished women I know. A lot of them are balancing trying to be Uber Super Women with a career and a family. Actually making space for these types of conversations with most people feels indulgent. Nothing kills an activist like a mortgage and school fees.

Sarah:
Extending my point about the wrong games. Maybe these Guest Conversations and blogs are just the games you know how to play, which is why you aren't getting access to the conversations you are hoping for. The Comments Section and even the underlying tone in most articles is incredibly aggressive. You can't expect people to expose their vulnerabilities in those kinds of situations. There needs to be an underlying degree of safety. An underlying acceptance of someone even if they have committed "bad" behaviours, or have "bad" thoughts. No one, ever, is going to put up their hands about their weaknesses if they think they will be burned at the stake. The people who do are often just virtue signaling to their tribe, trotting out scripted "look how good I am by saying I am not good" campaign speeches.

Paul:
Action is more important than safe conversations. I don't much care about people's intent. If they really want to change, they will. If they don't want to change, who really cares? Racist die like everybody else. If you grew up that way, something has to actually happen to change their mind. The countries and places that have really seized the opportunities around the world haven't done it through talk shops. In the modern connected world, information and education are almost free. Yes, there are some barriers, but not for the people who take the bull by the horns. I am not sure us sitting in circles singing Kum ba yah will change anything other than us feeling good about ourselves. Warm fluff. Get the best job you can get. If you can't get one, make one. Do it well. Hustle. Build a life you enjoy living. The rest will sort itself out.

Angela:
Just stop stressing. Difficulty has always been here, and always will be. Struggle is part of the beauty of life. Think of the art and music that comes from our darkest moments. Horrible experiences are what gives life its texture. The pulse of the world is positive. We are less racist, less homophobic, less sexist and more tolerant than at any other time in the world's history. Few mothers dye in childbirth, and most children now survive to adulthood. We are learning to speak to each other, and the challenging conversations we are having is part of the beauty of us seeing one another for the first time. It is painful and beautiful. Stop fighting it. Breathe. Just take each day one at a time. Breathe. Carry on. 

[The Narrator, Mark, Paul, Sarah, Michelle and Angela are fictional]

Getting Better

Rachel:

I don't really understand the fuss that was made about the Gillette advert. It simply says we shouldn't treat each other badly. It shows a particular brand of fragility that so many people have pushed back on it. They accuse us of being Snowflakes, and then they are so easily triggered by a polite request to be better. I like it when companies use their platforms for good. Like this, and the Nike adverts and the Nandos adverts. It certainly beats the American ads which are half disclaimers about how the drugs they are selling will make bits of your body fall off.

Tracy:

I didn't like the ad. I find it worrying that Social Movements can be so easily co-opted by Corporates and trivialized. This is a difficult conversation that needs having. It feels similar to the American division in News Media. Years ago, everyone would have watched the same channel and had a view. Now each side gets different facts and reacts. Companies now seem to be picking sides. Even though I agree with you that which 'side' seems obvious here. I also worry that this ad makes out as if the issue is important because it affects men too. We can't deal with #MeToo without saying #ToxicMasculinity harms men.

Peter:

I didn't like the ad for the reasons Rachel says... but am one of those reverse-Snow Flakes if that is the binary choice. It's all just a bit too much, to be honest. All this stuff about Privilege and blah, blah, blah. I get it, but isn't there a time limit on that? Can't people start taking some responsibility for sorting their own stuff out? I really think Jordan Peterson is nailing it. What is wrong with being the traditional male? Without being a dick. Having muscles and enjoying a barbecue isn't toxic. Messing around on the playground is how you learn resilience in a world that isn't fair. A world that isn't safe. It is not just Peterson who makes sense in this space. It isn't a Right-wing push back. If you look at some of the work of David Deida, and others in the spiritual space, having a balance between Masculine and Feminine energies is important. We can't all just have a cry about it when life gets hard. Someone has to provide the backbone. Even if it is the Woman that Mans up.

Michelle:

It's all about choice. I have read some of the Deida stuff and it makes me cringe just as much as the Peterson work. I think the Male/Female divide is lazy. It is how we have always done it, and there are certainly strengths and weaknesses we associate we men and women, but aren't there other words?  The word 'Bridge' is feminine in German, and masculine in Spanish (strong, sturdy, towering). Even when speaking English, German speakers will tend to describe Bridges using feminine adjectives (beautiful, elegant, fragile) and Spanish speakers will use masculine ones (sturdy, strong, towering). We get so deep soaked in expectations that it isn't really a choice. We are making progress on women making "masculine" choices, but boys are still restricted from making "feminine" choices and expected to adhere to positive masculine requirements - strength, provision, stoicism.  

Arno:

There are some hard discussions. In the past there was a play book. Rather, there were playbooks. Everything is now up for discussion, and the world has profoundly changed. 200 years ago, most children died before their fifth birthday. We were mostly poor farmers. We have gone through an industrial revolution where most of us were workers, and then in rich countries we have gradually moved out of our bodies and into our heads.  The playbook has been burned. Most of us grew up in sexually repressed religious cultures that were sexist, homophobic, racist, and xenophobic. You don't need to look further than previous generations to get your cringe on. Maybe we should all just cut each other a little slack and figure this mess out.

Rachel:

Isn't it simpler than that though? We do tolerate negative behaviour from men. We do live in a world where women are fearful, because that is completely rational. They should be scared. We do live in a patriarchal world where there is a pay-gap, and woman are restricted from progressing in the work place in the way men are. Even if on paper they are "allowed", culturally woman are expected to work as if they aren't mothers, and be mothers as if they don't work. Expected to thrive in a male world, while still being feminine. This push back strikes me as a lack of willingness to change that.

Tracy:

There is an element of whataboutism going on here. As Rachel says, there may be other issues but that constantly brings the discussion back to Men. I don't like the trivialisation of the ad, but the #MeToo and #ToxicMasculinity discussions are important. There has to be a way we can have these discussions where an issue gets addressed fully, without each garden path being followed.

Peter:

Ok, but that has to work both ways. We need to be softer on boys, but we also need to be harder on girls. Sometimes you do need a bit of grit to push through, rather than a cuddle. I have seen too many examples where when life gets hard, people opt out. Life is hard. For the people at the top, life is often awful in many ways. Make the choice sure, but then accept the consequences. The only reason they do it is because of the Kudos we often attach to people able to be "Toxic". I don't buy this Choice stuff. You can't have everything. Choice sometimes requires a partnership with someone else who will do the stuff you aren't prepared to do. If you want to Yin, someone has to Yang. Someone has to take out the Garbage. Someone has to fix the toilet.

Rachel:

Sure, but it sounds like you aren't acknowledging the problems. You have jumped directly to why men have it hard. Men have always had the platform. Maybe it is time that we focused the attention elsewhere.

Peter:
I am not Men. I am Peter. Half my ancestors are women. A big chunk of the reason things stay the way they are, is because women are half the parents, and want them to stay the way they are. I don't dispute the problems. I just don't think the public discussion is very nuanced. A lot of people who feel differently about this would rather just crack on with stuff that needs doing than make a lot of noise about it in public. It seems some people choose to be activists, and some people choose to take action.

Tracy:
We can at least be grateful that we are at this messy stage of the discussion, and action is being taken. We are also 50/50 committed to a solution, as you say. Still not sure I like Corporates triggering the chat, but maybe it is a positive that the discussion follows.

Holding your Breath

South Africa has a deeply rooted meat-eating culture. A 'Boy's Braai' consists of meat, beer, and breadrolls - chicken is considered the salad. The vegetables are often an afterthought with 'what are we eating tonight?' answered with Chicken, Fish, or Steak. So the veg is not the spicey delights served up in the East. 'Eating your veg first' is an analogy for delayed gratification. Do the hard thing first, then you can have the nice bit. Not just a Saffa belief. Pink Floyd's version is 'If you don't eat yer Meat, you can't have any pudding'.

Do the hard thing first. Man up. Tough love. There are stories of Wolraad and Racheltjie to inspire people to stop whining and get on with it. 'n Boer maak 'n plan (a Farmer makes a plan) suggesting that complaining gets nothing done. Australia is also big on this kind of hard life mentality (Check out Chopper Reid). Taking responsibility even for things that aren't your fault.

Even the Bible throws its two cents in with 1 Corinthians 13:11, "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

Ask Bobby Skinstad, Sport is well-supplied with back-pocket clichés like 'commeth the hour, commeth the man', 'putting your hand up', 'stand up and be counted', and 'put your body on the line'. Match after match through school, various coaches and captains will have practiced their very best Braveheart renditions.

Somewhere between self-obsession and self-negation, lies self-care. Somewhere between the victim, and the hero. It doesn't come naturally, and hasn't had years of good movies, funny banter, and motivational speeches to back it up. It feels indulgent and soft. Even knowing looking after yourself is important, doesn't make it feel right. It feels like chickening out.

What it leads to is a mass of people holding their breath. We look at everything that needs doing, and never pause. Faster. Better. Higher. Stronger. More. Now.

We should make time to occasionally pick up childish things... otherwise the pudding will be finished should we ever get there.

Not About You

I have had a couple of attempts at becoming a Vegetarian. I am completely convinced that we need to dramatically reduced our meat consumption. The two most compelling reasons for me are environmental sustainability, (the amount of food needed to produce meat) and the horrors of factory farming. I am not vegetarian.

The push back I have is that it is not that relevant if I, Trevor Black, am a vegetarian. It is very relevant if the 7.5 Billion people on the planet are eating too much meat. The minute I put myself on the moral high ground and start preaching to others that they too should do what I am doing, my experience has been that defence mechanisms kick in. Whatever the issue.

We are nudged. We move from where we are, not from where others want us to be. The best form of judgement, in my experience, is when someone who likes me and is on my side says, 'do you think we are doing this wrong?'

The same is true of the other messy issues we are working on. I am not a fan of pitch fork attacks on individuals who get it wrong. If someone gets it wrong, we have gotten it wrong. Whether the issues is racism, privilege, sexism, homophobia, intolerance or any of the other ills we perceive in others. It is amazing, for example, how in South Africa (which is fundamentally a very religious, conservative society) someone who is very aware of race and gender issues can still be homophobic. Someone who is liberal can still be unaware of their privilege. A feminist can still be racist.

There is a push for 'personal' experience and to speak from your perspective. From your 'lived experience'. While we can only see things from our perspective, we would do well to own all our challenges.

If you live in a racist society, and you are not racist, well... it's not about you. 

Braai Master

Guys get a lot of grief for Mansplaining. It is when someone (normally a man) explains something to someone (normally a woman) in a condescending or patronising way, without first finding out if the explainee knows more than the explainer. A Braai is a big part of masculine South African culture. A Boys' Braai is when there is only meat, beer and rolls. Chicken is the salad. Whether banter or bravado, it is also a place where a lot of man-to-mansplaining goes on. A lot of guys will talk a big game, and then burn the meat. They aren't particularly interested in finding out if the other person knows more, because the rewards are much bigger for the person with the tongs. The person in charge. The same is true for business. Employees get paid somewhere around their cog value. Cog value goes down as efficiency improves. If you can hire someone else (or a machine), there is little incentive to hand over the tongs. Our biggest focus on community building is our workplace. It's the default place we spend most of our time. It's going to be tough to change the culture if it's a Braai.