Showing posts with label Emotion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotion. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 14, 2022

Through and Towards

Eternity is a concept that is hard to wrap our heads around. We think in contrast and action, and stories. Stories of change and growth. It’s the only way we can think. It can be hard to focus on life... the pulse, the signal within the noise, the process, the questions, the connection. 

There are ideas we can’t grasp and fully conquer, and questions that we will not find the answer to in any book or any particular conversation. There is a lot of uncertainty. 

As you get older, you realise that there are no real adults in the room. Even 70, 80, or 90-year-olds are just big children that experience the world in a particular way. No one's experience is the same as yours and we are all just doing our best. 

Holding Space is the idea of non-interventional listening. You aren’t listening TO construct a response. Their story doesn’t trigger recognition of their story in your story, and anecdotes from you. You allow them to tell their story without claiming it. You don’t respond to someone’s story about their cancer with a story about a family member of yours with cancer. 

Stilling your own waves, and stilling the waves of money anxiety, doesn’t always mean solving problems directly for someone. There are also challenges around empowerment and allowing people to solve their own problems. If people are best placed to make their own decisions, you want them to make those decisions. 

There will always be waves. Stilling the waves is how you experience those waves. Financial Stillness holds space for you to make connected decisions through the waves. To build through things that pass, towards what truly matters to you.



Wednesday, April 29, 2020

Paying Attention

Insurance is a Grudge Purchase. You don’t see the benefits when things are going well. When things go wrong, it is tough to feel good about it being only less bad than you wanted. The first insurance companies were Mutual Societies. People who knew each other getting together in coffee shops to spread the risks of dying in war, or of betting their entire fortune on a single venture across the stormy seas. People who knew each other. Communities spreading the risk. Two of the best forms of insurance are Community and Education. When Winter comes, as it always does, fear is not there because of the confidence in the roots. You don’t begrudge giving support when you feel connected. To past investment. To future springs. To each other. Mudita is the opposite of the better-known emotion of Schadenfreude. Mudita is the sympathetic or vicarious joy that comes from delighting in other people’s well-being. To experience Mudita, we need to “pay the premium” of building relationships. Paying attention. Seeing relevance. Building meaning.


Thursday, October 17, 2019

Into the Mix


In my experience, whether it is the Corporate, Political, Academic, or even the Wellbeing and Voluntary World, the common niggle in our daily lives is human interaction. We all bring a variety of emotional cocktails to the party, and throw that into the mix of waves crashing against the people we bump in to. Without Buffers, we regularly run very close to the edge. Without a skilful guide, there are regular casualties. Starting again always seems like an option. The particular shade of green of the grass we glimpse through the door seems more appealing. Maybe they do it better than us? Maybe they treat each other better? Compounding is an incredibly powerful force. Given time. It only works with a deep underlying commitment. That can’t just be to a theoretical purpose. A few core values pinned to a wall. It must be to each other. As real people, interacting in real ways. Every day.


Monday, September 10, 2018

Magic Time

Derren Brown debunks magicians. A lot of things seem like magic. Things we don't understand. British Science Fiction Writer Arthur C. Clark famously said, 'Any technology sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic.' The way Brown debunks magic is by showing that he is able to perform the same tricks.



I believe investing is the same. There are no magic tricks. The key things in your control are (1) how much you spend, and (2) how much you invest. How much you start with, get given, earn, or how much your money earns are much less under your control. Seth Klarman said, 'The real secret to investing is that there is no secret to investing. Every important aspect of value investing has been made available to the public many times over, beginning in 1934 with the first edition of Security Analysis. That so many people fail to follow this timeless and almost foolproof approach enables those who adopt it to remain successful.'



Most of the stories we hear are about the big successes and failures. Stories on the edges. The majority of us need to deal with reality. Not magic. Do the research. Find out what your options are. Find out what you need to do to increase your number of options. Pick one. Make a plan. Surround yourself with people who can help you stick to your plan.

I believe in building Engines. An Engine is something that can earn more than you spend. An Engine is something that can free you to make non-monetary decisions. That takes time, not magic. Time is the only magic I believe in. There is no short-cut. It takes delayed gratification, discipline, calm, and patience. Engine Building is far more about Emotional Intelligence than being book smart.

Huge returns are mostly luck. You can't plan for that. Epic failures are a lot easier to plan for. The best investment strategy is to avoid being stupid. Howard Marks said, 'When there is nothing particularly clever to do, the potential pitfall lies in insisting on being clever.' Once a solid plan is in place, normally the best thing to do is nothing.


The strategy I support is a 15-year plan. If somehow you can get your spending under control, so that with discipline you can match dollar-for-dollar what you spend and what you invest, then you will be well on track. What that investment earns is much less under your control. But, if it is in a vehicle that is left alone, I don't think 5% (after all expenses) is a completely unreasonable long-term goal. If you are lucky, a little more will shorten the time required. A little less will lengthen it.

If you are able to match your spending for 15 years, and your investment earns 5% a year after expenses, you will have a powerful Engine.

Invest 50%. For 15 years. At 5%.



50-15-5


This is not magic. Although the results are magical.

Wednesday, September 05, 2018

Pattern Seekers

Human Brilliance is partly over-confidence, the ability to make and tolerate mistakes, and the ability to believe things the evidence doesn't support. Computers still just crunch the numbers, and are just starting to learn to learn. For the first few years of our lives, we are thrown into a confusing world that just carries on regardless. Without us knowing the rules. We just have to catch up. 

Our magic is Self-Hypnosis. We all live in constructed realities based partly on the genuine rules of the universe, but mostly on our interpretation of those rules and how they have worked out for us. Repeated trial and error until our self-delusion that we understand kicks in. Till we 'crack the code' and see the underlying pattern.

Patterns are simplifications. There are patterns in everything. We attribute meaning to those patterns. Cause and Effect. If we get the pattern and know what reliably follows an action, we don't need to know anything more. Even if the story we tell ourselves about it is 'wrong'. Even if there are lots of unnecessary bits to our story.

Our leaders are typically the best at pretending they understand. The best at falsely projecting confidence. Through trial and error, we have learnt to follow those who appear to know what they are doing. The strongest. The loudest. The fastest.

Beautiful messy creatures. Full of emotion, frustration, desires, dreams, and alternative realities. Bumping into a world that just carries on regardless.


Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Making Space

Yoga is the stilling of the mind. There are various ways to do that. Vedantic Philosophy talks of four paths. Through knowledge, devotion, action or a direct focus on the mind. When our thoughts are calm, and conscious, we are in a position to look more clearly at reality. Without that calm, life tends to live us rather than us living life. The path a specific person needs depends on their personality, desire, emotions, and situation. I tend to try think through things. To read. To discuss. To argue. I can get stuck in my head. Making space for other ways reduces how hard you are trying. Making space reduces the force being applied. At the moment, that is my focus. It seems like the opposite of productive. Do less. Ironically, things exist through, and are often discovered in, their opposites.

yogas chitti vritti nirodha

Yoga is the stilling of the mind

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Identity v Context

There is a big difference between being something, and feeling something. The things we are, are permanent. I am angry, is different from, I am feeling angry. Similarly, I am very wary of Identity Politics. People are natural essentialists. Believing there is something at our core that makes us who we are. That makes us different. In part, that is true. The thing that makes us different from each other is our unique story. That story evolves. Our story is context dependent. Understanding someone's story helps us to see them. But we aren't our story. Our story can change. Our stories overlap. Context can change. Context learns. I can work with Context Politics. Seeing people. Identity Politics can pass on by. If we breathe.


Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Organised Chaos

A big part of our strength as humans comes from our forgetfulness and our detachment from our memories. Things are there, but only if they are triggered. Our creativity comes from connecting things that wouldn't normally be connected. We don't figure it out, we feel it out. Artificial Intelligence first beat people at Chess by crunching the numbers. It took it to the next level by beating humans in Go by learning to learn. Where we still excel is at bringing our special form of crazy to the table. No one sees the world as we do. A computer couldn't because it would have to forget everything else it knew. Even then, it is not clear what we remember and what we don't. It depends on our mood and which thoughts and feelings happen to bump into each other on the street. We add the logic and rigour later. If we feel like it.


Wednesday, November 08, 2017

Emotional Attention

Strong and weak are not opposites. One reason vulnerability is difficult to show is because it feels like the price is respect. We only have so much concern to give people. Our emotional attention is not an unlimited resource. Pity is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. So it is easier to bottle up the challenges that being strong in the face of adversity ensures. Dr Chopper prescribes a dose of Harden Up. When someone indicates they are struggling, our natural inclination is to feel like we need to offer advice or help. Sometimes all that person needs is to express that life is hard. No help is needed. No action. Just someone seeing. Hearing. Acknowledging their strength.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

A Cry (Sindile)

I've read the bible front to back 3, maybe 4 times (I can't remember), and probably two of my favourite books are Ecclesiastes and Lamentations.
Neither book resolves.


Both books are packed with the darker elements of human emotion; both books are raw and uncomfortable and face the relentless meaninglessness and even loneliness that assails us, that is so wrapped up in the human condition.
I like Lamentations precisely because it is a book that doesn't ask people to "praise through the storm" or a book that holds up some future hope, in fact it is the minimal hope, the misery, the wailing and almost crushing sense of destitution that moves me in the book..........
While I understand the exhortations in the Psalms and other places, I despise happy clappy religion; religion that reduces the mess and complexity and excess of the human experience, that dulls the cry of the heart, because it is in only facing our own darkest emotions, in being able to sit silently while the tears stream down and face ourselves that we can find our humanity, our deepest sense of compassionate wisdom.
In the story of the Good Samaritan, most translations say the man was "moved with pity"(or some derivative of it) when he saw the man beaten, lying on the side of the road. If you read this passage in the original language, a better translation would be to say that, "his guts writhed with compassion" when he saw the man destitute and beaten, that is to say he had a visceral, gut-punch, a deeply human response when he saw the man and because of that he was moved to go the absolute extra mile for him.
He knew.
He knew destitution. He knew brokenness. He knew it could have been him and unlike the Levite and priest, his humanity superseded any rules of cleanliness, any excuses not to help the man, because he saw himself in that man.
He knew at that moment what it meant to love his neighbour as himself...........
We are human first and everything else second.
I hate happy clappy religion so much, precisely because it loses sight of this, loses sight of the mess and complexity and excess of being human, because out of those things are born neighbourliness and compassionate wisdom and love, because love perfects through suffering.
"Elahi! Elahi! Lama Sabachtani" is viscerally human.
It's messy. It isn't resolving. It's just the cry of a human heart.
---
Other Guest Posts with Sindile Vabaza

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Managing Expectations

We view the world relative to our expectations. Some believe you need to visualise success in order to achieve it. Remove doubt. The steps towards your goals will materialise. Others will take the opposite approach. Visualise (not wish for) the worst case scenario. If you know you have the strength to cope with that, then anything else is a bonus. Remove fear. Any good fortune is worth celebrating, rather than being disappointed with what could have been achieved. It is worth practicing detachment. That doesn't mean not caring. Detachment is separating your identity from the thing, task, emotion or event. Identity is just a story. Stories connect to each other. They get retold. It is the telling that matters. The moving. The relationships. Don't be your goals.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Decision v Process

I don't believe we have the 'unit' of who we are correct. Stopping at identity is lazy. There are conflicting voices beneath that. Some of the divisions of who I consider 'me' are linked to circumstance. If certain things happen, the emotional cocktail that leads to my regular response may be one I like identifying with, and it may not. As I get older, there are aspects of me I want to change, but that get harder. I have worked hard at 'training my elephant', so I am relatively good at creating habits. Some habits are deep soaked. We don't change by changing our beliefs. Our beliefs soak deep, and become ingrained responses. Change isn't a decision. Change is a process.


Thursday, January 12, 2017

Sponge

I find it easier to deal with my own stress than I do to deal with the stress of those I care about. In restaurants I struggle to even sit next to people (who I don't know from a bar of soap), that are in distress. I am like a sponge. When I do know people, and care from them, it is multiples more difficult. With myself, I value the philosophy of sitting with the light and the dark. A life without struggle would be a life without flavour. I work hard on my ability to, with the help of the relationships that hold me, cope. I would like to get to the point where I can accept the broader world's struggles too. I am not there yet.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Odds and Odd People

I love playing Poker. I don't like gambling. Poker is the only Casino game I know of where the house has to explicitly take a little bit of each pot because the game isn't rigged in their favour. 

With Roulette, whatever your strategy, every time you spin you lose (in the long run). With Blackjack, the really skilled players are able to get their odds close to the houses. In the very long run the house will win. The good players play because they enjoy it and might get lucky. I don't like either game. With Poker on the other hand, you are playing the other people at the table. 

People make crazy decisions. Emotions get involved. We do stuff that doesn't make sense, but is fun. We go on gut. We mix it up. Few games I have been involved in have tested my emotions as much as poker. You can lose big with two Aces. You can make lots of money with the worst cards you can get (2 and 7 off suit). Anything can happen with any one hand. A crazy decision can work out. In the long run, it is the people who are able to combine the facts and the fiction who do the best. The people who know the odds and understand the people. The people who understand themselves, their strengths, and their weaknesses, and who adjust accordingly.

Dogs (K9) and Poker Faces

Thursday, March 03, 2016

The Biggest Winner

There is something deeply condescending about some of the responses I hear, and feel myself, towards the rise of Trump. Before this (two) year's American Elections, my favourite Reality TV show was 'The Biggest Loser'. I don't watch it often, but I love the idea. That people can step outside of life for a bit, and join a group of people, with support, to turn their lives around. I did two, one-month yoga courses. The chance to stop what I was doing and focus on my mental and physical health for a bit was something I treasured. Treasured so much in fact, that it did contribute to me thinking, 'why can't I do that all the time' and plotting independence.


But enter Trump. Like slowing down at a car crash, it is impossible not to watch. TV channels switch away from candidates talking about policy. They provide air time for free to Trump and people talking about Trump. They do this because that is what we want to watch. The youtube clips of Rubio and Trump trading insults about finger size and who sweats the most. The problem with this reality show is that the prize are the nuclear codes.

The fact is Trump has added sugar, fat, salt and tequila to the election. Policy doesn't matter. He doesn't need to be consistent. It isn't a case for voting for 'what he stands for'. This frees him up tremendously to have strong, independent, contradictory ideas. That is where the condescension lies. It is easy to write him of as being raised by uneducated people ('I love the poorly educated' Trump). I think the way he is pitching his campaign is closer to how most of us think. Not what, but how.

Tequila Suicide - Snort the salt & squeeze the lemon in your eye 

Most of us Trump through issues rather than thinking through them. Most of us don't think whether it is possible for us to think A and B. To believe up AND down. Once we have a hero for the stuff that matters to us, we stop thinking about what they think about other stuff. 

That is a big problem. Most things have trade offs. We know that from our close personal relationships. We know all about give and take with people we share time and space with. As soon as things get too big, that knowledge falls away. It's too complicated, so we focus on the stuff that matters to us. That empowers politicians or leaders or anyone who wants your attention to feed off your triggers. They can get good at knowing what winds you up. What inspires you. What angers you. They can play you rather than educate you.

Things are more complicated than we think. If we constantly set ourselves up in opposition to other people. We are going to get Trumped. If you look at the other party and say they are evil. We are going to get Trumped. If you turn anyone who wants to get involved in politics or helping society, but disagrees, into a villain... we are going to get Trumped. Thinking through issues and building a society together is hard work.


His rise, and the rise of his kind all over the world (this isn't just an American problem) is not the fault of someone else. Solving Trump doesn't start with mocking Trump supporters. If you vilify your opposition, you are a Trump supporter. Calling anyone evil or stupid is a vote for Trump. We have to own our crazies. We have to partner with people who have views that are different. We have to partner with people with prejudices. Because we have different views from everyone else. We have prejudices. 

All of us. 

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Cumulative Emotion

You have to own your own irritation. We can also allow others to own theirs. I am an overly sensitive chap. Always have been. I hate getting on the wrong side of people, and I often read more deeply than I should into what people say, and what they do. One of the problems with this is that I tend to elevate my importance in someone else’s emotions. I have no idea what is going on in their day, their month, their dreams. More of the way we interact with others is built from our own cumulative emotions than we care to admit.

'Run Lola Run'

I love the movie ‘Run Lola Run’. It plays the same scene over and over again, but each time with slight variations. In it there are flash backs and flash forwards of the people the lead characters bump into. Like their few minutes plays out differently, so does everyone else’s. When someone is rude to you, it may have nothing to do with you. They may be going through something awful. They may be irritable in general.


The idea of ‘listening to what someone is feeling’ is a powerful one. Most people are driven by their mood, and this can drive ‘rational arguments’ too. There are plenty of ways to fit alternative logics to the same set of circumstances and come up with different conclusions.

A friend recently pointed out Derek Sivers’ article on advice (sivers.org/advice). He uses the metaphor of an echo chamber for how we should consider feedback. Whenever we hear someone’s views, they are coming from that person’s perspective. They will not apply directly to us. But we should listen. By listening, we will be able to slowly build a better picture of our world by the way we interact with others.

The way we interact with others defines who we are.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Walking Away

Maintaining the ability to walk away doesn't mean you don't value something. It means you have perspective. A view above addictions so powerful that you are willing to sacrifice everything else. Everything else. Lost awareness of the sacrifices being made. Not conscious. Addiction means even the attention to recognise the value in other things gets redirected. The world evaporates. The ability to detach allows you to value something without possessing it. Desperation eats away at appreciation. The emotions driving that trap are powerful. Positive energy that could be directed elsewhere. In a direction that releases rather than absorbs you. Keep perspective.

Keep Perspective. Protect your Energy.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

What Matters

Our memories are multi-sensory. The way we experience the world determines what matters to us. What matters to us determines what we remember. Places, faces, smells, sounds, colours, buildings, books and films trigger emotional connections between ideas. If you want to improve your memory of something, you need to create as many links to that thing as possible. Ideally funny, sexy, vivid or controversial. The monks who discovered this were tormented by the naughty tricks they were using in their heads to remember scripture.

Read 'Moonwalking with Einstein' by Joshua Foer

One of our strongest abilities is to close our eyes and visualise places we have been. The idea of 'Memory Palaces' is built around this. Think through some of the places you have lived. Even as a child. Walk around your school in your head. Through repetition, these places have become a pathway or filing system. Memory Palaces place ideas through connections at various points. They forge the connections through links. To go to an idea, you go to the place. It will be there.

I like using this in chipping away at my cultural ignorance. I have been trying to learn more about the Middle East and the cultural struggle going on with Islam. I just spent two weeks in Morocco. Surrounded by 5 daily calls to prayer and staying in the old Medina, it was the kind of place where reading about these issues would stick. I have started reading 'From Babel to Dragomans: Interpreting the Middle East' by Bernard Lewis. It is a collection of essays on a broad range of topics by a Historian who spent his life studying the region and cultures. I first finished off 'Islam: A Short History' by Karen Armstrong. Other books from the last year include 'The Fall of the Ottomans' by Eugene Rogan, and 'A Man of Good Hope' by Jonny Steinberg.

Creating Memories through Taste and Place

One of the key issues connects quite strongly to some of the raw racial discussions being had in South Africa at the moment. Lewis discusses Group Hate as coming from a detached envy or fear. When we hate an individual, it tends to be because of something. When it becomes a group, it can become more abstract, and often more dangerous and entrenched. When the emotions of envy/fear get involved, defences kick in and we create groups to hate not because of an action, but because of who they are.

History has a habit of destroying prejudice. Look back far enough and you realise how temporary dominance and subjugation are. For most of the time we have had a written record of human history, people with white skin were the Barbarians. Rome was conquered by these Barbarians and sent Europe into a dark age in terms of learning. Learning didn't cease. Some was lost. Some was confined. Europe's dark age was during the Islamic Golden Age. Britain which later came to dominate was so far on the periphery of 'Civilisation' that Rome had given up on it, and the more 'Advanced' societies were far away.

Africa comes partly from the Afri Tribe (Greek word) which lived around Carthage and which subsequently became Islamised as Ifriqiya and the area of Tunisia, Algeria and Libya. The name of the Berber people also derives from Barbarian. All you Black and White people are the same to us Greeks.  North Africa was very much a more established part of the Old World of Europe. The tribes of Britain and Southern Africa were far away doing their thing. As was China.  The idea of a separate continent of Africa and Asia was a much later European Invention. Long after Carthage and Rome had battled for supremacy. Watching 'The Man in the High Castle' and thinking of alternate histories, there are many ways history can play out.

Fear and envy are powerful emotions that can be worked through. As a source of racism, they can be beaten. The pseudo-science that was used to create ideological racism against Jews and Blacks was a weak attempt to justify creating groups to which Human Rights would not apply. That pseudo-science has fallen, and we know race is not a scientifically valid concept in creating groups. It is a human creation. It is a story. One that has created real division. Most of our challenges now involve creating better stories.


Race as Science is Dead, The Challenge now is Emotional & Cultural

The fights facing us now are clashing cultures. History shows that the best bits of cultures have been a give and take. Learning comes and is spread. There isn't a straight line of progress. There isn't a ladder of superiority for groups. We can enrich ourselves creating more connections. By making more things matter. 

By making more things worth remembering.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

What to Do?

We love stories. They tickle, inspire, anger, frighten or make bottom lips wobble. Stories give confidence to act even though we don't understand. Filling the gaps. Adding meaning. Stories that matter directly affect what we pay attention toThey are the way we see the world. To change how we think, we have to change the stories we have felt. The world is too confusing and complicated for us to think we will ever understand all the facts before acting. Look at the world and don't know what to do? Search out stories. Be tickled. Get angry. Be inspired. Do.

Search out Stories

Friday, November 13, 2015

Festering Ooze

There is a lot of talk around Safe Spaces at the moment, but two very different ideas of what that means. My understanding of the first way, is that we need to choose our words very carefully. Words are powerful and trigger emotional responses. We may be unaware of the effect of what we are saying because other people have had different experiences. A Safe Space is an area where someone will not feel judged, and will not be made to feel uncomfortable. Some describe it as a place that feels like home.

The second idea of a Safe Space is quite the opposite. It is similar to the idea of 'holding space'. Heather Plett wrote a wonderful post suggesting ways to be there for people you care about. Holding space for them. An awareness that people are processing all sorts of rubbish. We don't really know what we think or feel. We try things out. We get angry. We say things we don't mean. We say things we know we don't mean just to see what happens. We test boundaries. We scream. We fall apart. A Safe Space is one where this can happen and we know the people will still be there afterwards. We will have gone to the toilet to get rid of our rubbish feelings.

For me school was a very controlled bubble. At one stage a group of us started pushing the boundaries in a school newspaper. We were quickly reined back in by the censors. University on the other hand was a place where we were (mostly) the censors. We tested the boundaries of everything we held dear. There is a difference between things said in jest and things that are malicious. The Free Speech Board was often silent, but would burst into reams of debate. There were songs that were all sorts of bad. Not everyone agreed with pushing boundaries, and there were vocal supporters of both sides.

Rational, considerate, patient, inclusive discussion is clearly the aim. The ooze I was moaning about yesterday does get in the way. As Stuart said, if you never Ooze because you have developed super powers of control, you may be a super villain. Occasional ooze is very human. I am also all for opinions I find offensive being given a little air time. It means I know where they are. We should encourage crazies to speak. We can only tease out our own craziness in the open. Otherwise it just festers.

Don't Let Our Crazies Fester