Deep Bench

You need support in your planning. It is all well and good to have specific goals, but we go through waves and moods, and we are not consistent. We forget why we made decisions. In specific moments, we want other things. This means we all need to know what kind of support we need. 

When you are going through difficulties, what is the kind of person you need to speak to? I am lucky that I have developed a lot of good friendships. I know that in certain situations, there are specific friends I need. Certain "cards" I need to play. Sometimes support, sometimes challenge, sometimes advice, sometimes silence. I know that to develop those friendships, I need to be available when the kind of support I am capable of is what they need. We have different strengths and weaknesses, and the deeper your bench of friendships is, the more support you will be able to provide to each other. The more space you can hold. 

The idea of holding space is that you are not there to provide a solution. You are there to listen. Having someone to hold space is not saying that you are not competent and capable. It simply reinforces the self-awareness that you know who you need to walk with in the situations you are going to face. Building that capacity is important. 

As our story changes, we need mirrors to incorporate new information. We need to realise which behaviours no longer work. Which never worked (on reflection). Which behaviours might work. We need to unlearn, relearn, and change with change.

Know Who You Need

Support Structure

The original Marshmallow experiment looked at whether you could predict future success based on the ability to wait for a sugary treat. The skill of delayed gratification. More recently, a study controlled for socio-economic factors like parent’s education and early childhood development support. Once that was taken into account, waiting for the marshmallow had almost no predictive power about future success in school or life. Waiting is a core part of wealth creation. I do believe it is something you can learn. Something you can build into your habits. Spending has rhythm. Daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. You can pay attention to the things you consume regularly. You can pay attention to unsurprising surprises you can plan for, so they don’t regularly force you to start from scratch. Then, if you have fundamental faith in the future, and your place in it... you can allow the space and time for reinvestment. Where wealth isn’t what you consume or display. Wealth is the systemic structure that supports creativity.

Gothic Quadripartite Cross-Ribbed Vaults

 

Mad as a Potter

Somewhere in Cape Town lives a crazy potter named John. He is not hard to find if you follow the trail of creativity he leaves in his wake. He used to live (conspicuously) a couple of houses down from me when I was in Harfield Village. His dream was/is to bake some houses that would grow into a Creative Community. A group of people coming together to make beauty. Community building is hard. Even with passion. I also want to build a virtual Community of 150 people that pays Basic Incomes and builds a Community Wealth Fund. The challenge is who?, how?, and around what common fire? What happens when (not if) people leave? As we discard geography, race, class and other containers, how do we build new ones to support each other? In a world where tomorrow is very different from yesterday, what does a thriving us look like?

johnbauerart.com

Men's Group

[The following is a fictional conversation between me and other guys]

Trev:

I am part of a Men's Group that meets on the first and third Friday of each month. None of us have traditional jobs, which allows us to make a commitment to meet. I met one of the members through a friend of my Fiancée. I was initially hesitant around the idea of a *Men's* Group. The Mens' Clubs I knew of growing up were gradually opened up. The Church I went to had a Fathers Group. I am a Feminist, and am particularly wired against Men being seen as the wallet, sperm, and muscles, and Women as the homemaker and childrearer. Many of my female friends hate being the only woman in the room in Boardroom settings. Stay at home Dads hate being the only guy in the room in Mom's support groups. I was worried about perpetuating the problem.

Melusi:
What are you guys doing in this group? When me and my friends get together, we are normally getting up to mischief. It is true that we can't get up to the same mischief when there are women around, because they are spies. You can't talk to the mosquito about your problems with Malaria. Except I can go into much more detail with women, because they are better listeners. They don't try and fix the problem. They just make me feel better when I tell them stuff. Or send me nice direct messages when I am sad.

Trev:
The thinking about the group is to challenge some of the traditional ideas around Masculinity. We have very different philosophical views on the world so we avoid getting stuck in debate. I don't like using the Masculine/Feminine framework. I think a lot of that is built up, and deep soaked, through the group habits we have and the words we use. The word for Bridge in German is "die Brucke" (Feminine) and in Spanish is el Puente (Masculine). This means Germans are more likely to describe a bridge as fragile, elegant, and beautiful, and Spanish people will call the same bridge sturdy, towering, and strong. The words we choose matter. But as a Mens' Group, the idea is that we can challenge those false boundaries more easily, since we would behave differently in a mixed group.

Sylvain:
I don't like to admit it, but I do behave differently in front of women. With guys, we learn how to act on the sports field and on the playground. There is always an underlying threat of violence in the way we argue, even though we learn to control it. It means guys also learn where the line is. I actually feel like when the stereotypical woman does it, she cuts way deeper. Cutting because she doesn't have any fear of pushback. The truth is that for years, we have been deep soaked with treating women with kid gloves. Open the door, pay the bill, pick up the heavy thing, change the tire, fix the computer, take out the rubbish... there isn't the feeling of equality. There is also the sexuality thing. I kind of want to impress women in a way I don't want to with men. I still want guys to respect me, but it is easier to open up. Even if I am not flirting directly.

Mahesh:
So this thing is a "Safe Space". You can let out your ugly bits without fear in a container. I get that too. Particularly if you are talking about some of the things that feel obviously wrong. Wrong in the sense of an urge or belief you have, and you know is frowned upon in your community.... but you have anyway. I feel way less judged by guys. They have views, but care way more about themself than you. Often when I am with a group of women, they talk about each other really harshly. It is like they are their worst enemies. Even the good friends talk about each other behind their backs. I don't want to open up in mixed groups, partly because I don't know whether what gets said will leak.

Zolani:
All these things are very much stereotypes. Except stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. I am not sure how we can break these things down. I heard someone say the other day that "Men are redundant". The is definitely a crisis of Masculinity in the sense that we don't know what the expectations are. We don't know the playbook. We can't ask for advice. There are books like "12 Rules for Life" by Jordan Peterson, and "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida, but they make me a little queasy. I am genuinely interested in figuring out a new way to do things. Maybe it does mean us doing the work in separate groups of Men and Women... but that just doesn't leave me feeling comfortable.

Simon:
I married my best friend. A lot of the "Gender Wars" go out the window when you do that. I reckon a lot of straight people are going to start marrying each other. It is easier to build a life together when the rules are explicitly open to discussion. Managing Expectations is absolutely key. My husband and I don't have the weight of societal interference in deciding what those are. These raw discussions don't have to be had separately. They do have to be had, and the better we get at creating spaces for these, the easier it will be to decide what type of world we want to live in.

Trev:
I have found the group incredibly helpful. At times the guys drive me absolutely nuts. My inclination is towards self-sufficiency. I also have to work really hard at not being defensive when someone gives a different perspective. Gradually learning to let people into the mess, without feeling like I have to follow everything they say. In my experience, you only ask for help if you need it. Learning to ask for perspective even when I don't need help is a real challenge. That managing expectations stuff. Advice is always autobiographical. It is up to me to filter which bits of hearing someone else's story are useful.

Sindile:
Maybe throw some wine into the mix? It doesn't all have to be so serious. There may be some things you need to do with this sort of regular seriousness, but you can mix it up. Have your Men's Group. Don't feel bad about it. Women have Women's groups. The key is not to make your life a Men's Group. To make the homebuilding, muscles, money, bridges, babymaking, vulnerability and strength be tools in a toolbox available to everyone. Do both. Just build up multiple overlapping groups and don't let any of them define you. We should try to be a little less prescriptive on what is an isn't okay. Just don't do to others what you don't want them to do to you. Consent is the password.

Trev:
More generally, I would like to see more spaces for us to air our craziness. It feels like there is more of a witch hunt going on than an empathetic attempt to learn. A nervousness around being found out and set alight, rather than a curiosity about developing practices to tease out our blind spots. It would be great if we good get to the heart of whatever is causing anxiety and release it. Genuinely see each other, and support each other. Most of us are dealing with a lot of stuff, and we don't sufficiently see that we are not the only ones. I regularly wrestle with confusion, heartsore, homesickness, anger, and other emotions that are best not displayed in public. The more ways we can build sufficient trust to let people see behind the curtain, the better.

[Melusi, Sylvain, Mahesh, Zolani, Simon and Sindile are Fictional Characters]

Mental Health

I had my first session (ever) with a Psychologist yesterday. Mental Health and Empowerment are the two 'big ticket' areas I spend time thinking about. I have lots of very caring friends and family who are willing to listen. Normally it is a relationship. Give and take. This is the first time I have created a space that is one way support. Like everyone, I am working through some 'Cornerstone Events' that still create obstacles for me. On top of that, life doesn't seem to throw one challenge at a time. At the moment, I feel like I am getting more than my fair share. There is no such thing as fair though. Perspective helps - my problems are far more manageable than others. But perspective doesn't remove the need for resilience. I very much believe in normalising Mental Health challenges. English probably lacks the words - vulnerable, fragile, struggling - all imply a need for pity. Strong and Weak aren't opposites. We don't need pity. We do need each other.

A Little Kindness

With the world more connected we jump from big thorny issue to big thorny issue. Any single one of these things is very difficult to unravel. Like fighting wars on many fronts. I am not much of a believer in two things. (1) That we can multi-task, and (2) That we care about the opinions of people who don't care about us. I have had a very difficult year. My bandwidth is uber-stretched. I don't think weakness is the opposite of strength. Disconnection is. I don't think I am alone in having had a difficult year. Part of my struggle has been that those I care about are struggling. It seems everyone is struggling. Somehow we need to get a little better at letting people focus on chipping away at one little thing at a time, and caring about them enough to show we are on their side. I need that. I am willing to give that.

Big Issue, Little Issue

Build Support

Who your boss is, is often more important than the organisation you work for. I like the idea of flipping the relationship. Hire your boss. Like sports players have coaches and agents etc. The act of going to work should be a combination of practice, and performance. Often we are just fighting fires, and there isn't anyone looking with genuine interest at the trajectory. With jobs for life, maybe that existed. Portfolio Work is a different way of approaching a career. Instead of working for a company, you need to build the support you need separately. Then if you leave a job, you don't leave your support. You can also split your salary into parts. A permanent bit, and the bit contributed by your work. By building a buffer and an engine, over time you will increase your capacity for periods of research, training, recovery and idea generation.

Hire your boss

Support Group

I live in Burford. I am part of a group of five who meet twice a month in London, to support each other. We spend three hours chatting about different specific topics, and catching up on what has happened in between. I have sufficient common ground with the others to understand them, but they all challenge me in very different ways. It is not a group of like minded people. The idea is to make each other uncomfortable, but in a positive way. One guy likes process. One to sit with the emotion of things. One to destroy things. One to get things done. I tend to get philosophical, and dive into the why. Sometimes excessively seriously. I would like to be in more of these groups, and I would love this type of support to go viral.

Trying Times

Social Media keeps us connected to each others lives, but only bits of it. I find it a great catalyst for real world interactions, and am a power user of other forms of staying in touch. Still, I am very aware of how we live our lives in parallel. There are bits we can't, or won't share, because they hit too close to home. We aren't sure if it is fair to share because others are involved. Does it breach 'the container of trust' we build by knowing more about people than the world does? Sharing everything can feel like a plea for help. Sometimes it is. There are lots of people who don't have support beyond this. There are communities building for the harder things like intimate relationships, deaths, break-ups, moving jobs, losing jobs, physical sickness and mental health issues. 

I am lucky. I do have a deep bench of support... so this is not a plea for help. My partner Gem & I have been trying for a child for a year and a half, and after various tests have found out that I have a very small probability of having a kid, from me, even through IVF. Not zero, but tiny. There are other options to become a family, and we are looking into it. We have support, but this is one of those things with no solution. It just is. I have been broody for years and it is something I have taken quite hard, despite being philosophical and stoic by nature. In going through this, I have learnt just how common this kind of challenge is. It feels really odd to tell people you are trying. As you do, you learn just how many other people struggle their way through the storm of human fertility.

It does feel weird being public about it, but there we go. If you are struggling too, know that you are not alone.

Inner Stories

I don't suffer from any debilitating fears or anxieties, and am very lucky to have an awesome support network of friends and family. Many of our fears happen beneath the surface though. We see the performer, not the petrified person throwing up backstage. For many, the idea of public speaking is mortifying. For others, any group of people leaves them feeling overwhelmed, and even just a brief self introduction will induce panic. Ironically, these same people may actually love communicating. They may be able to speak to Royalty, Noble Prize winners, Popes and Chief Executives without breaking stride. Something else is going on.

A lot of what we do isn't calm, calculated and rational. I think that is a good thing. A lot of the best bits of life lie in the emotional side of things. The story. The fears. The release afterwards. The beauty is in the battle. It is still interesting to look at afterwards. The story behind the story. The inner story.

Late last year I went on a climb up Table Mountain on a particularly scary route. Although I did it, I carried the fear monkeys up on my back.  In Vancouver, I walked along the Lion's Gate Bridge and the Capilano Suspension Bridge. Both were clearly very safe, and the views were absolutely spectacular. Again, I did it. But. But. Back on safe ground, my heart rate definitely came down.

Capilano Suspension Bridge - Hold On!

Lions Gate Bridge

Capilano Tree Walk

The fear doesn't come from what will happen, or even the lack of knowledge that I will cope. I will be fine. I know that. There is still a what if that sits with me. That will always sit with me. Poking me in the ribs. Refusing to allow my breath to do its thing. This morning, a friend and I went on a hike up to an old train bridge crossing in Victoria (British Columbia). Even though each step was on very solid wood with gaps of only about 8cm (way to thin to fall through), everyone was incredibly nervously walking along. Most would venture about a third of the way across, if at all, and then come back. I forced myself to walk across the whole thing. 

When you got to the edges, the steps were the same distance apart, but in between there was solid earth. Suddenly the speed of walking increased and the breathing calmed. There is something very powerful about knowing that you will be fine if things go wrong. Even if you really don't think they will go wrong. Even if you know that the support is probably, intellectually, fine.

Track Easy, Track Hard

Track View

Emotional support is huge. I am lucky. I have that. I have a deep network of friends, family and people I care about who will pick me up if I stumble. That lets me walk faster. That lets me breathe deeper.

Our support network is not visible. But is as real. Our mental responses. Our emotional responses. That is why when someone is struggling, it may not make sense to us. That is why there are easy problems and hard problems. Easy problems are solved by the wooden slats that make the railway tracks. Hard problems take the deep networks that come with time, trust, belief, relationships, communities and the stories that we tell ourselves.