Men's Group

[The following is a fictional conversation between me and other guys]

Trev:

I am part of a Men's Group that meets on the first and third Friday of each month. None of us have traditional jobs, which allows us to make a commitment to meet. I met one of the members through a friend of my Fiancée. I was initially hesitant around the idea of a *Men's* Group. The Mens' Clubs I knew of growing up were gradually opened up. The Church I went to had a Fathers Group. I am a Feminist, and am particularly wired against Men being seen as the wallet, sperm, and muscles, and Women as the homemaker and childrearer. Many of my female friends hate being the only woman in the room in Boardroom settings. Stay at home Dads hate being the only guy in the room in Mom's support groups. I was worried about perpetuating the problem.

Melusi:
What are you guys doing in this group? When me and my friends get together, we are normally getting up to mischief. It is true that we can't get up to the same mischief when there are women around, because they are spies. You can't talk to the mosquito about your problems with Malaria. Except I can go into much more detail with women, because they are better listeners. They don't try and fix the problem. They just make me feel better when I tell them stuff. Or send me nice direct messages when I am sad.

Trev:
The thinking about the group is to challenge some of the traditional ideas around Masculinity. We have very different philosophical views on the world so we avoid getting stuck in debate. I don't like using the Masculine/Feminine framework. I think a lot of that is built up, and deep soaked, through the group habits we have and the words we use. The word for Bridge in German is "die Brucke" (Feminine) and in Spanish is el Puente (Masculine). This means Germans are more likely to describe a bridge as fragile, elegant, and beautiful, and Spanish people will call the same bridge sturdy, towering, and strong. The words we choose matter. But as a Mens' Group, the idea is that we can challenge those false boundaries more easily, since we would behave differently in a mixed group.

Sylvain:
I don't like to admit it, but I do behave differently in front of women. With guys, we learn how to act on the sports field and on the playground. There is always an underlying threat of violence in the way we argue, even though we learn to control it. It means guys also learn where the line is. I actually feel like when the stereotypical woman does it, she cuts way deeper. Cutting because she doesn't have any fear of pushback. The truth is that for years, we have been deep soaked with treating women with kid gloves. Open the door, pay the bill, pick up the heavy thing, change the tire, fix the computer, take out the rubbish... there isn't the feeling of equality. There is also the sexuality thing. I kind of want to impress women in a way I don't want to with men. I still want guys to respect me, but it is easier to open up. Even if I am not flirting directly.

Mahesh:
So this thing is a "Safe Space". You can let out your ugly bits without fear in a container. I get that too. Particularly if you are talking about some of the things that feel obviously wrong. Wrong in the sense of an urge or belief you have, and you know is frowned upon in your community.... but you have anyway. I feel way less judged by guys. They have views, but care way more about themself than you. Often when I am with a group of women, they talk about each other really harshly. It is like they are their worst enemies. Even the good friends talk about each other behind their backs. I don't want to open up in mixed groups, partly because I don't know whether what gets said will leak.

Zolani:
All these things are very much stereotypes. Except stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. I am not sure how we can break these things down. I heard someone say the other day that "Men are redundant". The is definitely a crisis of Masculinity in the sense that we don't know what the expectations are. We don't know the playbook. We can't ask for advice. There are books like "12 Rules for Life" by Jordan Peterson, and "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida, but they make me a little queasy. I am genuinely interested in figuring out a new way to do things. Maybe it does mean us doing the work in separate groups of Men and Women... but that just doesn't leave me feeling comfortable.

Simon:
I married my best friend. A lot of the "Gender Wars" go out the window when you do that. I reckon a lot of straight people are going to start marrying each other. It is easier to build a life together when the rules are explicitly open to discussion. Managing Expectations is absolutely key. My husband and I don't have the weight of societal interference in deciding what those are. These raw discussions don't have to be had separately. They do have to be had, and the better we get at creating spaces for these, the easier it will be to decide what type of world we want to live in.

Trev:
I have found the group incredibly helpful. At times the guys drive me absolutely nuts. My inclination is towards self-sufficiency. I also have to work really hard at not being defensive when someone gives a different perspective. Gradually learning to let people into the mess, without feeling like I have to follow everything they say. In my experience, you only ask for help if you need it. Learning to ask for perspective even when I don't need help is a real challenge. That managing expectations stuff. Advice is always autobiographical. It is up to me to filter which bits of hearing someone else's story are useful.

Sindile:
Maybe throw some wine into the mix? It doesn't all have to be so serious. There may be some things you need to do with this sort of regular seriousness, but you can mix it up. Have your Men's Group. Don't feel bad about it. Women have Women's groups. The key is not to make your life a Men's Group. To make the homebuilding, muscles, money, bridges, babymaking, vulnerability and strength be tools in a toolbox available to everyone. Do both. Just build up multiple overlapping groups and don't let any of them define you. We should try to be a little less prescriptive on what is an isn't okay. Just don't do to others what you don't want them to do to you. Consent is the password.

Trev:
More generally, I would like to see more spaces for us to air our craziness. It feels like there is more of a witch hunt going on than an empathetic attempt to learn. A nervousness around being found out and set alight, rather than a curiosity about developing practices to tease out our blind spots. It would be great if we good get to the heart of whatever is causing anxiety and release it. Genuinely see each other, and support each other. Most of us are dealing with a lot of stuff, and we don't sufficiently see that we are not the only ones. I regularly wrestle with confusion, heartsore, homesickness, anger, and other emotions that are best not displayed in public. The more ways we can build sufficient trust to let people see behind the curtain, the better.

[Melusi, Sylvain, Mahesh, Zolani, Simon and Sindile are Fictional Characters]

Open Houseparty

The following conversation is fictional

Melusi:

I read one of your conversations. I could relate to the post, but was thrown off by the lack of black characters. Where are the fictional Siphos and Nthabisengs?

Trev:

I feel uber self-conscious about being accused of "blackface" and putting words in the mouths of people. Perhaps I could take on the challenge, addressing my own fears. You don't think I will be hung, drawn, and quartered if Zolani speaks up?

Melusi:

No. I don't think you would be black facing.

Trev:

I quite like the idea of dismantling identity. I love the work you are doing with Melusi's Everyday Zulu. Especially the catchphrase "There is um'zulu in all of us". I am currently working quite hard at snapping my monotongue. I only speak English fluently. Then Durban Boy Afrikaans and a long tail of other failed attempts. I would love to be able to have these conversations with characters from outside my bubble. It feels like I would be talking out my Donkey though. The voices in my head disagree with me, but presumably, see the world in the only way I have been able to. I can understand how someone could disagree with me, but only a me disagreeing with me if that makes sense. How can I speak for someone whose experiences are so different from mine?

There is um'Zulu in all of us

Melusi:

Well, you are speaking for me now aren't you? We never actually had this conversation. Sure it started in reality. But you must have some idea of where it would go.

Trev:

The only way I can explain my hesitance is the shared experience in the post you read. It was about being a guy and the various reactions to the Toxic Masculinity ad that Gillette put out. In it, I did voice some female characters. Even that was hard. I have a sense of what many of my friends and family may have thought, but it feels difficult to venture into any areas where the character looks bad. If I call someone Stuart, I can make them look bad and not feel bad myself. All I have to say is, "It's not really Stuart". In the same way I can tell a good mate that he looks like he has eaten all the pies. But I can't tell an acquaintance that they are packing on the pounds.

Sipho:

Actually, it is not cool that I had to wait until Melusi asked you to give me a voice hey. Your think you are all high and mighty. You fear of looking bad looks bad. Perhaps if you actually made an effort to learn another language, and experience other cultures, then you wouldn't feel so bad? Maybe the point at which you were comfortable criticising others would have been earned, because you have clearly demonstrated that you have built the relationships necessary. That the criticism isn't from your perspective.

Nthabiseng:

I don't know. I don't feel comfortable with some white boy speaking for me. What do you know of what I would say? It wouldn't be convincing. Our worlds hardly overlap. There is too much pain. You have been holding the microphone way too long anyway. Sipho, do you really think they are going to make the effort to learn stuff they don't have to? English dominates the world anyway. There is no need. Nothing is going to change. We are all just being forced to jump on board.

Zolani:

Hold on. I am trying. My name is Zolani, but that was given to me in the same way as others were given "Christian names" when the schools started transitioning two decades ago. Except this time, it was me asking for an isiXhosa name. The Freds, Patricias, Jimmys and various other names given because we didn't bother learning peoples real names. The challenge is that the tools aren't there to learn in the way other languages are. The Memrise app has a community version of isiXhosa, but it is limited. With other languages, there are Audible books, Netflix series, and it is possible to go to places where you can immerse yourself. I just make lots of false starts. I want to learn. I just don't know how.

Nthabiseng:

If you really wanted to learn, you would find a way. The rest is noise. People have been promising to learn for years. What I also don't what is a bunch of poverty tourism. Some of you treat us like we are a Show. You come into where I live to have a drink and see how "the others" live. You buy a trinket and go home. You aren't genuinely learning. You are "helping". We don't need your handouts, observation, and general condescension. Save us the civilizing mission.

Trev:

I get that it sounds a bit whiny. It is just genuinely hard to have an action plan for improving things. Most of us are too busy just paying the mortgage, taxiing the kids, and responding to emails. I have found Facebook quite useful as an Open Houseparty of sorts. I still haven't got to engage with lots of people face to face, because I live in the UK. But I do have daily conversations now with people outside my bubble. I feel like my bubble is becoming more holey. The interesting thing is the people don't fit the stereotypes. You can't assume anybody's political, religious, or social views from their names. Even from accents. Gradually, we are getting to the point where people can choose who they want to be.

Sipho:

You are the one who goes on about daily practices. If it is something you really value, you will find a way to do it every day. It is just like getting fit. If you only do something once a week, you stay interested but not much more. If you do something twice a week, you can maintain the level you are at. You need to be doing it at least three times a week to improve. But if you really care, you'll do something every day. Even if it is just a little. Your bubble is a mirror of what you do every day. Stop talking about talking and talk.

[Melusi is kind of fictional, Nthabiseng, Sipho and Zolani are fictional]

Making Up

Trev:

Competence and Confidence are guys' version of Make-Up and Fashion. Trying to understand why men struggle expressing vulnerability is similar to understanding why even modern women still tend to beautify themselves. We still seem trapped in the behaviours that are deep soaked into us. If I show vulnerability, it feels like I am asking for a response. It doesn't feel like I am able to just say, "Yes, this is difficult. I don't want input. I don't need help. Just expressing what is going on is sufficient". For the most part, this disturbs the illusion that all is under control. I hate feeling like people are worried about me. It seems connected to whether they respect me or not. I get that respect is supposed to come from within, but that isn't the way any of the communities I have ever operated in work. Respect is the currency.

Sacha:
Sharing the thoughts and feelings going on in your head doesn't mean you are asking for help. It is just letting down the filter. It helps us all realise that everyone is struggling. Otherwise we get a Facebook Profile version of everyone's lives full of exciting holidays, smiley moments, and great successes. We don't hear from the people who get back from work on a Friday night absolutely shattered, feeling lonely, but without the energy to reach out to anyone. Perhaps they have been working so hard, they haven't even invested in friendships enough to be able to reach out. Maybe if the picture that was painted in what we share was more honest, then it wouldn't be something people need to hide.

Richard:
Except the world is designed for winners. The news we follow is about the winners. The Motivational Speakers we hear from are the guys who get up at 5am, run a half-marathon, and then do more before their morning tea break than most people do in a week. We read books about people who have built Businesses. We watch ultra-athletes from around the world performing spectacular feats that are much easier to watch from the couch than to try an emulate. We are constantly being measured, and like it or not, Men are still not really allowed to opt out. Then you are a loser. And losers lose.

Francois:
So why take any notice of that rubbish? It is all in the mind anyway. You choose your own reality. You control the way you respond to the world, and how you feel about it. We all end up dust anyway. Nothing you do really matters. It just seems like it matters. Just make different choices. Feel deeply. Express your weakness confidently.  You'll find, like Sacha says, that you are not alone. The way you feel things is your own, but it is a combination of feelings others have. We are one big web of emotions and actions and reactions and just letting go is a powerful way of actually engaging with the world more strongly.

Arthur:
You lost me there. The traditional model works. If you fight it, it will be more complicated. If you are a man, your job is to be a provider. Your job is to build a solid foundation around which others can thrive. Most great men had huge internal struggles, but they didn't go around have a cry about it. Life is hard? And so? Get on with it. Your boss doesn't give you credit? So? Work harder and start your own company if you don't like working for someone else. You aren't doing the work you like? And so? You made bad choices when you were younger. Take the pain and find out what skills you need to do thing you to get there. Long hours? Shame. Would you like a hug? No. Do what you need to do.

Mary:
That is harsh. Why do you think so many Men crack if you put that kind of pressure on them? To think that you can't express vulnerability and still be successful is ridiculous. There is more to life. The idea that men won't be attractive if they don't come across as competent and confident is also a bit backwards. Authenticity is incredibly attractive. Faking might get you through the door, but if you are talking about building a life the is something sustainable, then you will eventually get found out.

Trev:
I am comfortable opening up about my struggles, but I do have to work on a fairly deeply wired defensiveness. If I open up and then someone proceeds to give me advice, I actually start feeling a little sick. I value my self-sufficiency. I really like being able to make decisions for myself. As soon as someone gives me feedback, it feels like I have to implement it or they will stop giving it. Feedback with strings. I approach ambiguity, uncertainty, and complexity in a fairly detached way. I try be decisive knowing that I will often be wrong. Making small decisions that have limited unintended consequences. Opening up sometimes makes me have to justify myself.  Sometimes opening up feels more like something I am doing for the other person, than something I need myself. I don't actually feel like it.

Paul:
Feedback is incredibly helpful. Most advice is advice to ourselves. You should take it as that. The person can only see the thing your are sharing through their own context. Their advice can only be a projection of their own anxieties, baggage, and world view. You can hold what they say lightly. Sharing doesn't have to be a way of "finding a solution". A good listener can listen without actually interfering with your thought process. Listening as lubrication rather than intervention. If people feel a desire to change your course of direction, that is their issue, not yours.

Trev:
I get that intellectually, but I hate feeling on the wrong side of people. Feeling like I am misunderstood, or that I have disappointed them. Like I haven't met their expectations. I have a high degree of internal confidence, but am much weaker when it comes to feeling that I am a "failure" in other people's eyes. Going back to my initial metaphor. I can imagine it being like someone who acknowledges make-up and fashion are expensive time-wasters, but still wears them because that is the way the world works. You can't pick every battle. Sometimes bottling things up a little is just way easier. Having things under control means I don't have to put so much effort into appeasing the people I care about.

Angela:
We are busy reinventing society. The traditional Masculine/Feminine stereotypes were thrust upon us. As Arthur said, this was perhaps for a reason... but those reasons have changed. If we want a healthier world where we aren't torn up internally just to please others externally, then we have to have these tough discussion. I really don't think this is a Male/Female thing. Much of it is simply cultural roles we have inherited. The more strong men are allowed to show weakness without being judged, the more likely others are to feel free to follow in their path.

[Sacha, Richard, Francois, Arthur, Mary, Paul, and Angela are fictional]

Personal Schism

Trev:

I grew up in a religious, mostly protestant, mostly white, liberalish community in Apartheid South Africa. One of my watershed moments was being forced to choose between two of the local churches. The one I had grown up in, and the one I was enjoying attending because of my circle of friends. To become a member of the Baptist Church, I had to be baptised. To become a member of the Methodist Church, I had to confirm my baptism. I had been dunked as a baby, which was not recognised by the Baptist church. Being 'baptised again' would mean that my first Baptism was rejected in some way which would upset some people who were important to me. I didn't really know why it was important, but in the end went back to the Church I grew up in for Confirmation classes. The long history of the Abrahamic Religions is a series of these kinds of 'there is only one path' splits. This was my personal Schism.

'The Angel hinders the offering of Isaac'

Rembrandt

Mike:
The Protestant Church grew out of the idea that you should be able to look inside. Rather than a delivered truth, people should be able to look inside. They should be able to be their own ministers and priests. They should be able to read "The Word" in their own tongue and interpret it according to their own contexts. The movement was as much a political statement as a convenient shift in religious beliefs. The Christianisation of the Barbarian Tribes was also an attempt to control them. Vladamir The Great dated all the Abrahamic Religions before choosing Christianity because he liked wine. Charlemagne and Louis The Great were also one country, one religion, kind of guys. It was Louis who kicked the Protestants that headed to South Africa out.

Paul:
You should take another look at the Church Trev. It is not the same place as when you grew up. Also, don't you remember all the good bits? Church provides a centre for the Community. A shared belief that brings people together once a week to think about something bigger than themselves. It is a place to look after each others mental health, and to think about those less fortunate than ourselves. Surely that is a good thing? The Churches in Westville have done a lot of work over the last 20 years. There are more women involved in leadership roles, the demographics of the services are more mixed, they are wrestling with their homophobia monkeys and the various churches are starting to put aside their different interpretations and work together. Even the Catholic Churches are very much part of the mix. And the Mosques and Temples. The door is always open to you. 

Trev:
It does play on my mind that leaving the Church leaves these spaces only open to particular parts of the Community. I now live in the UK, where most villages have beautiful little churches. Churches that are struggling to get people to come. I can't teach Yoga at my local Church because it is viewed as "Hindu". I could, but I would have to strip out the Oms and Chants and bits that freak people out. That is kind of like saying, you can make the Braveheart movie, but I don't want there to be any Kilts. I feel like we get excluded from a lot of the beauty of seeing different perspectives because we are forced to choose which one is "right".

Jessica:
You need a shared story for the place to be Holy. It can't be a free for all. It isn't about being right, it is about keeping stories clean. A genuinely open Community Hall might be great because it is all-inclusive, but it will be excluded from the magic of keeping things pure. Imagine a Buddhist Silent Retreat that now had to accommodate your Oms and Jaya Ganeshas... even though they share a common underlying philosophy, they would probably also tell you to pipe down.  There is nothing wrong with that. Just because Coke, Orange Juice, Milk, and Vodka are nice drinks doesn't mean you can throw all of them into a bucket with an extra thin mint and think your stomach will accept it willingly. Tolerance doesn't mean you can't protect spaces for a coherent story. Even if you admit that it is just a story.

Trev:
Sure, but then how do you create a shared narrative? The rulers of the past just issued "the truth" and then used their monopoly on power to brainwash everyone into that. The new Churches are just political parties. Protestants and Catholics may have made peace, but now we have Partisan Political Parties. In the UK, US, and South Africa where I know most about the politics relative to other countries... the majority of voters are hugely tribal. They interpret "facts" based on the opposite of whatever the other team thinks. Too many people believe anyone who disagrees with them is stupid, evil, or has some other Bad Faith incentive to obstruct and destroy. 

Rory:
It's just noise. People do actually get along pretty well. Particularly if there is money to be made. We huff and puff a lot on Social Media but as soon as you put people into a room together off camera, then people tend to learn social skills that make things work quickly. It genuinely isn't as bad as all the Drama Queens out there are making it out to be. If anything, it is just distracting us from continuing the progress. Yes, Church buildings are emptier... but there are far more cross-community communities springing up. The world has never been more tolerant, less xenophobic, less homophobic, less sexist etc. than now. We just focus on the bad stuff. It makes for a better moan. And we have always loved a good moan.

Trev:
There are more cross-community communities, but they weaken local communities. If we all live in digital land, we have less motivation to make friends with our neighbours. If the shows we watch become global, there is an increasing sameness to our storytelling. There is a larger "structural" risk, because we aren't trying different things. There are no fire breaks for if we try something that seems to work, and it goes horribly wrong.  There is also a local disconnect. In the past, leaders in communities used to live very similar lives to the people they led. Increasingly the CEOs, MPs, Professors, Priests and other leaders live in unrecognisable bubbles. Physical lives separate from mental lives. That means we become these mindless bodies and bodyless minds living different lives.

Alex:
You can't go backward. The communities of old weren't these glorious little neighbourhoods we like to picture. Think about how difficult it is to live in a closed community where everyone knows everything. Where your mistakes follow you like they are burnt into your forehead. There are positives to a separation of physical space from the mental. We all get a little more peace. We also aren't as subject to the geographical lotteries that force us to interact with the people where we were born, and believe what they believe. It is also much easier to physically get off your ass and go visit the people you meet online than ever before. In my experience, people make more of an effort to see you when you don't live where they do. The visit triggers a "must make a plan" attitude, rather than a "but I don't feel like it now" vibe.

Trev:
I get it. But I, like a lot of Global Citizens, probably feel like Theresa May nailed it when she said Global Citizens are "Citizens of Nowhere". It sometimes feels like that. Rootless. I know there is no way to solve this. We are Scatterlings of Africa. Everybody. Everywhere. People have always migrated, and the stories we have used to describe ourselves have always changed. I think that is beautiful, and it allows us to evolve and work through our problems. But it also leaves me feeling rootless a lot of the time. Like my foundations are creaking. Like I have forgotten something somewhere. A sense of unease. Maybe that's just life.

[Mike, Paul, Jessica, Rory, and Alex are fictional]

More Than a Whisper

Trev:

I got my British Passport a year before the Brexit Referendum. As someone who believes the C20th introduction of passport control was simply the physical role out of Global Apartheid, getting another passport has its ironies. Rather than burning Dompas like Madiba, I was collecting another one of the things I don't believe in. I came on a Migrants Program that gave me the opportunity because of my education, salary, language, age and work experiences. Kind of like a lottery for those who have previously won the lottery. Still, I was proud. Like a recovering Alcoholic, the description of Britain at my Citizenship Ceremony reminded me of the scene of Marcus Aurelius in the Gladiator. "There was a dream that was Rome. You could only whisper it. Anything more than a whisper and it would vanish, it was so fragile." There were people from all over the world becoming citizens of a country that seemed to stand for so many things I believed in. Then 2016 happened and whispers became shouts.

More Than a Whisper

Alex:
The way you pitch it is as if the primary reason behind Brexit was closing the borders. You and I have very similar beliefs. We both want this "Rome" with an open society that is inclusive. We both believe in Freedom of Trade, Movement, Services, and People. I didn't see the Referendum as anything other than a vote of no confidence in the INSTITUTION of the EU. Not Europe. Britain can't physically leave Europe. It is a part of it. All the crying and gnashing of teeth makes out as if all Brexiteers are racists and xenophobes. What about the European border in Ceuta? You can't paint the EU as this Liberal Democracy. I was voting against a Brussels run by technocrats.

Paul: 
I didn't actually think the vote would go through. I have just been a Eurosceptic for years. I was undecided when I stepped into the voting booth, but I didn't feel it would be right to moan about the EU and then vote for them. I have business in Europe, but the European regulations make my life an absolute nightmare. I prefer hiring Brits. I really didn't think Brexit would actually happen, and even when it did, I didn't think there wouldn't be some sort of deal that allowed life to carry on pretty much as normal. It doesn't make sense for anybody for us to not be able to keep on doing what we do. Anyway, if things don't work out, I am okay. I'll just close up shop and go traveling.

Stewart:
I don't really follow all this nonsense. I have my own stuff to worry about. There is no point in worrying anyway. The people in London will do what they do and life will go on. It is not going to affect me. I voted for Brexit because the NHS is creaking at the seams with all the immigrants in the waiting rooms, and the jobs going to people who aren't even from here. Look after your own first I say. Don't have guests until you can afford to keep your house in order. You have to choose. If you want to have a Welfare State that looks after people, it is simple maths that you can't afford to look after everybody else too. Get rid of that stuff, and then sure... people who can afford to look after themselves are welcome to come.

Angela:
The reality is we are a small island. Environmentally, we can't afford to have more people here. 60 million plus is probably too many already. There aren't enough houses, which is why housing is unaffordable for the people who were born here. I am all for being accommodating to others, but there is the question of sustainability. The roads are clogged. The trains are clogged. The Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty are being filled with new housing that doesn't have the necessary schools and facilities. We may be a rich country in theory, but there are lots of problems we need to sort out. Leaving the EU is the only way we can do that.

Michelle:
There are fundamental political differences between the UK and the EU. You either believe in central decision-making technocrats, or you believe in devolved responsibility. In the UK, you hire and fire your political representatives directly. I can meet with my Member of Parliament, and it doesn't matter how much of a big wig they are, they have to serve their constituency. Nigel Farage certainly doesn't represent my views, and I resent being associated with him because I am against the EU. There is some irony that he has never ever won a seat in the UK, and his voice has been handed to him by Europe. Nigel is not the voice of Leave.

Trev:
The problem I have with these views is that they are mostly ideological. Much like my "I don't believe in Passports". The problem is Passports are a real thing. It doesn't matter if I believe in them or not. At the end of the day, I have to use them to move around. I am a deep pragmatist. What we do matters. Results matter. Yes, beliefs matter, but in the real world, we have to work with other people. The EU may have chosen Proportional Representation over "First Past The Post" seats. That has advantages and disadvantages. South Africa made the same choice. The inability of minority parties to get a voice in the UK is one of the disadvantages. Sustainability, Resource Allocation, and Regulatory Simplicity are all important... but we can't just vote for everyone to agree with us. The EU is much more likely to reform from within. It is better with the UK in it.

Andrew:
I have severe Brexit Fatigue. There are more important issues that which club different Rich countries belong or don't belong to. "Meanwhile in China" the world is carrying on while the Government of the UK grinds to a halt in this big talk shop. Whatever happens, won't change that much anyway. Like the Y2K "Crisis", the Global Financial "Crisis", the news always needs some Armageddon event to keep it entertained. Proper Crises like the World Wars, the resulting global flu pandemics, and the starvations in China and (now) Venezuela are proper things worth worrying about. Not how long it takes to fill in some bloody forms so you can sell your stuff or have to put another sticker on it. Britain "exiting" Europe is like a divorce where the spouses stay living in the same house. It's ridiculous, and we talk about it too much.

Alex:
I would probably change my vote now. I still believe I voted in good conscience the specific question that was asked. I wanted to leave the EU. I didn't want to end Freedom of Movement or any of the other nastinesses that get attributed to me because I think the EU is a bullying Leviathon. I think we have handled the negotiations terribly. Other politicians could have done a better job at negotiating with the EU instead of pandering to them. All the political parties are pretty weak at the moment, at a time when we needed strong leadership.

Trev:
I worry that the price of Brexit is simply a dismantling of the United Kingdom. The real world price of Britain leaving the EU, in my view, is that the UK will be dismantled. Ireland will reunify (I can't see any other solution to the "Backstop" issue) and stay in the EU. Scotland will then be left with a choice between the UK and the EU, and politically I think Scotland is more aligned with the EU. Andrew is probably right that "all will be fine". Relatively speaking, I do think there are bigger issues to worry about. It just makes me sad. I certainly feel that the first few sparks of seeing Britain as an "X years sober" alcoholic are at real risk of quite a few years of falling off the wagon. I am positive. I do think we can sober up again. It just didn't need to be this hard. 

[Alex, Paul, Angela, Stewart, Michelle and Andrew are fictional]

Through the Noise

Trev:

You don't have to commit a crime to enjoy the right to remain silent. Two urges I am working hard on are my "Righteous Indignation" and my "Drama Instinct". I have always been relatively easy to get a rise out of.  Looking at the wrongs in the world makes my blood boil. A "Choose Me Lord" religious response to putting myself in the way of injustice. The kind of guy that would have made an easy recruit for the Crusaders or the Saracens depending on where I happened to be born.  That has always made me good value tease. My Drama Instinct is the same as most people's too. The less meaningful stuff on the edges that makes more noise, gets a disproportionate amount of my attention. The boring, ordinary, beautiful bits of life often get missed.

Saracens

Kev:
It does seem like that is a more general challenge than a Trev challenge... but not for everyone. There are a lot of people who just crack on with things without making much fuss about it. "A little less conversation, a little more action please" style organising and doing. Isn't that the point of a Liberal Democracy? You don't have to actually waste any time convincing people of anything. Unless you actually plan on committing a crime, you just need to get willing people, with the skills you need, and do the job. Part of the problem with "The People" getting power from Rulers is they then expect the Representatives to do a better job *for* them than the Rulers. The point is that they have the power. The point is to get the Rulers out of the way, and get on with it.

Sarah:
It depends where you are in the world. Not everyone, everywhere, enjoys these freedoms you are talking about. The fight is not over. Even in Rich countries, there is a surprising level of poverty. The poverty looks different. The social relations look different. It isn't as simple as saying "just crack on with it". You'll probably find that the people who believe that, and have the nature to do it, have can-do cultures and mentors and social networks. It is very easy from the outside to think of what you would do in someone else's situation. Except, if you were in their situation... you wouldn't be having the same thoughts. You may not even know what is on the menu.

Rebecca:
You are right about the differences between different places. I find that a useful way to open up the questions that are swallowing us. I was a car wash in the UK yesterday. It was run by about 20 presumably Eastern European people. They descended on the cars and the whole process took only a few minutes. It was incredible to watch. I kept wondering what the reaction to this scene would be in South Africa. In SA, there is a lot of "fake work". Because of the structural unemployment, a lot of people do jobs which basically just kill time. Since time is an easy unit to pay someone by, and the more time the job takes the more you get paid.

Paul:
That has caused tensions in and of itself. My experience is that immigrants, unlike some of the struggling local people, always work harder. They have a sense that no one owes them anything. They don't expect the state to provide for them as one of "The People" and so they graft. Most people don't want to leave their homes. They have to leave people behind. They go somewhere else in search of a better life, and with a sense of purpose. They are then outside their context. Whatever it was that was holding them back. That doesn't necessarily solve the issue for all the people still struggling. A lot of Eastern Europeans thought the opening up of Europe would lead to their countries becoming like the UK and Germany. Instead "The People" went there.

Peter:
This talk of Entitlement makes me feel very uncomfortable though. The most entitled people I meet are normally the wealthiest. They strongly believe that their success is through their own hard work, completely ignoring the massive investment they have normally had put into them. I have met so many people who talk about how they messed around at school. How they were naughty little scallywags. Then they went travelling or did something fun. Maybe picked up the odd bar job or whatever their English gave them access to. Then they suddenly decide to take life seriously, and doors open left, right, and centre. Even the ones who work hard from the start genuinely believe that their success is self-earned. Because they worked hard. As if people in poverty aren't working hard.

Norman:
The point seems to be that shouting about that Entitlement doesn't seem to make much of a difference? Does it actually change behaviours? These arguments are often among Champagne Socialists and Laissez-Faire Capitalists who both come from the same schools and whose lives don't actually reflect their convictions. It's just a public debate club. As it has become easier for anyone and everyone to have a voice, so the fringes have gained much more control of the conversation. They tend to detract from the people organising, building consensus, mediating, compromising, and all that other messy stuff that doesn't make for something that will get heaps of likes and retweets.

Amanda:
I would like to see more storytelling. Case studies in a "Humans of... " format where we start spreading real, practical, how-tos of options that people have. Bring these abstract debates down to the grassroots of how they affect real people's lives. Ideas and arguments are too big. We need to think smaller. Add back humanity into the conversation. I love Dollar Street from Gapminder. It shows real people's lives across the world. What they wear. Where they sleep. What they eat. How they eat. These are the real questions we should be asking. We get lost in all this ideological stuff. We need to be grounded in the realities of the stories of actual people. Not hand wavy The Peoples.

Mitch:
You are assuming people actually want a solution. I think most love the Drama. They are not actually looking for a solution. They love it when they find a troll as much as the troll loves finding them. I have seen really nice people I know in real life being complete gutter-dwellers online. Foaming at the mouth at people who probably think a lot like them. We love an enemy. Only a few years ago in the UK, everyone was moaning because of the sameness of politicians. You'll get the moaners, and you'll get the doers. The doers will have to drag the moaners along. That is just the way it is.

Trev:
Silence and action are powerful. I still think we need to engage in conversation. The destructive voices can't be allowed to grow like weeds. Equally, giving them a louder voice by over-reacting doesn't seem to be helpful either. I like the idea of a Daily Practice. Regularly being able to step back and ask what small actions are being taken? What is being built? What matters to us? What are the unintended consequences of our actions? It would be great if the conversation could shift to regularly improved questions. At the moment a lot of us seem to be coming at it aggressively with pre-packaged answers. More gaps. More silence. More questions. Less noise.

[Kev, Sarah, Rebecca, Paul, Peter, Norman, Amanda, Mitch are fictional]

New Games

Trev:

It sometimes feels like I am a passive bystander to the large events that are passing us by. I rouse myself to action, only to feel like it doesn't matter. In the meantime life goes on. Some of the happiest people I know just focus on the small things. I believe in the 80-20 rule for a lot of things. 80% of us are just trying to survive, but the stories we read are about the 20%. What most of us do is about looking after ourselves, and that is fine. Not feeling obliged to talk about everything allows you to create containers of calm. You don't have to talk about Politics. You don't have to talk about the difficult human dynamics at work. You don't have to focus on all the nasty things we do to each other. On all the pain.

The Narrator:
Focussing on his own stuff made Trev feel uncomfortable. He enjoyed feeling like he was making a contribution to the conversations and actions required to create the world he wanted to live in. For a few years, he had been writing a blog and actively engaging in Social Media. He had met some great people along the way. Other active participants like Graeme, Sindile, Mpiyakhe, Melusi and others made it worthwhile. People with clearly very different political views all desperately trying to raise the level of conversation. To find some sort of common ground in a world that seemed to be very shouty. Perhaps it was time to fictionalise the voices in his head. Get them talking.

Mark:
I don't bother. News is a waste of time. I don't ask anybody for anything, and I will sort myself out. I learned long ago that the best way to do something is by getting off your ass. The opportunities are there. Pick something off the menu instead of whining the whole time about what it is you want. The problem with most people is they look for excuses. There is always someone else to blame. Give me someone who takes responsibility over a whiner any day of the week. I certainly don't bother with Social Media conversations. No one listens anyway. It is mainly just a small group of the noisiest people looking for opportunities to get angry at each other. You never see people changing their mind. You never see the conversation progressing.

Paul: 
The time for looking for common ground has passed. "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing". We need to be looking in the mirror, and constantly having the difficult conversations. There are so many behaviours we have just stood back and allowed. Particularly when we are in rooms surrounded by people who look just like us. Then it is safe to refer to Africa as a country. Then it is safe to say that other groups are inherently lazy, or stupid, or criminal. It is only when it becomes unsafe in the groups that are powerful that there will be real change.

Sarah:
Except how come most of the voices are male? You guys seem either to have too much time on your hands or too much testosterone. It seems like a competition. How do you expect people to be vulnerable with each other if they are constantly being challenged? If you are constantly trying to fix people, rather than hold them? We are all a confused bunch full of conflicting emotions and prejudices. How are we supposed to unlearn our obstacles if we aren't even allowed to play in safety? Kids are little monsters. Not because they are little monsters in their souls, but because they are pushing the boundaries. Seeing where the borders between them and the world are. Maybe we need a different set of games to play?

Michelle:
The voices aren't mostly male. It is just that is the only people who get the platform. There are plenty of minority voices that get lost in the wind. Did you hear that Jordan Peterson clip where he named his favourite author in a split second, but got lost when asked for his favourite female author? The problem with doubling down on the conversation with the typical voices is we don't learn anything new. The same people lead the charge even if superficially they claim to be trying to self-reflect. I echo your call for a different set of games. I like the idea of being very considered about what it is we are trying to achieve. Then going about it step by step. The current approach just seems like we are shouting into the void, without anything changing. I'd rather not even participate then.

Trev:
I tried to provide a platform. I know I am noisy. So I have published a number of Guest Posts on my blog. I have also tried having Guest Conversations. Writing every day has made it relatively easy for me. So I tried doing 5x2 paragraphs with someone Theatre Sport style. I write, you write, till we have each had five turns to do a paragraph. Then we publish. The problem is most people are very busy. Especially, it is true, most of the very accomplished women I know. A lot of them are balancing trying to be Uber Super Women with a career and a family. Actually making space for these types of conversations with most people feels indulgent. Nothing kills an activist like a mortgage and school fees.

Sarah:
Extending my point about the wrong games. Maybe these Guest Conversations and blogs are just the games you know how to play, which is why you aren't getting access to the conversations you are hoping for. The Comments Section and even the underlying tone in most articles is incredibly aggressive. You can't expect people to expose their vulnerabilities in those kinds of situations. There needs to be an underlying degree of safety. An underlying acceptance of someone even if they have committed "bad" behaviours, or have "bad" thoughts. No one, ever, is going to put up their hands about their weaknesses if they think they will be burned at the stake. The people who do are often just virtue signaling to their tribe, trotting out scripted "look how good I am by saying I am not good" campaign speeches.

Paul:
Action is more important than safe conversations. I don't much care about people's intent. If they really want to change, they will. If they don't want to change, who really cares? Racist die like everybody else. If you grew up that way, something has to actually happen to change their mind. The countries and places that have really seized the opportunities around the world haven't done it through talk shops. In the modern connected world, information and education are almost free. Yes, there are some barriers, but not for the people who take the bull by the horns. I am not sure us sitting in circles singing Kum ba yah will change anything other than us feeling good about ourselves. Warm fluff. Get the best job you can get. If you can't get one, make one. Do it well. Hustle. Build a life you enjoy living. The rest will sort itself out.

Angela:
Just stop stressing. Difficulty has always been here, and always will be. Struggle is part of the beauty of life. Think of the art and music that comes from our darkest moments. Horrible experiences are what gives life its texture. The pulse of the world is positive. We are less racist, less homophobic, less sexist and more tolerant than at any other time in the world's history. Few mothers dye in childbirth, and most children now survive to adulthood. We are learning to speak to each other, and the challenging conversations we are having is part of the beauty of us seeing one another for the first time. It is painful and beautiful. Stop fighting it. Breathe. Just take each day one at a time. Breathe. Carry on. 

[The Narrator, Mark, Paul, Sarah, Michelle and Angela are fictional]

Sea and Hill

Trev:

I grew up in Apartheid South Africa as it was gasping for its last breaths, and as the new South Africa was filling its lungs for the first times with a new cry. The road from Durban to Pietermaritzburg winds through Kwa-Zulu Natal with what were the white suburbs on either side, and the separated suburbs a little further back. One of my defining experiences was being taken to Umlazi as a 17-year-old. A place of almost half a million people, hidden behind a hill I never ventured beyond. There, but not. Gradually my high-school class filled with people from outside my bubble. I finished school when South Africa was just about to turn 4-years-old. That was my first experience of Global Apartheid. Seeing that the sea is just a big hill.

Simon:
It must have been weird living in such a backward society. I grew up in England, which is a proudly liberal. Britain has an awkward history too, but we are able to have a good laugh about it. It feels good to be proud of my country. It must be horrible to not be proud of your country. We have been on the right side of history in the end. You need to let go of your history in the same way. You shouldn't let Apartheid define you. It wasn't your fault, in the same way as England's history isn't my fault. I can be proud of the positives now, and move forward in a society that is equal.

Trev:
That doesn't sit well with me. I am proud of South Africa, but not in a Nationalistic way. When we first got the new South Africa flag, I was all-in for the story of Nation Building. I have lots of pictures of myself with a "Y-Front on my face" as the Barmy Army would put it. I was also one of the loudest singing the love child of Nkosi-Sikeleli iAfrika and Die Stem. When I got to the UK for the first time (a gap between school and uni), I was actually pretty annoying in my "South Africa is so amazing"ness. The problem is, it feels very much like the feeling I had growing up if you just focus on the positives. Life in a police state is backward, but all you know.

Marco:
I don't know. That's all too much like lecturing to me. Life is too short. I have enough problems of my own to focus on. What exactly is the point of carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders? A Liberal Society lets everyone just crack on with what is important to them. There is nothing holding anyone back. It is all about getting the right mindset. If you are constantly looking for excuses, you will find them. No one owes you anything. If you want something work for it. That applies to everyone else too, so I don't see why I (or you) need to feel any responsibility for sorting other people's issues out.

Trev:
I do think mindset is important. Except our mindsets aren't our own. We are part of a community, and we don't just move as individuals. It isn't as simple as snapping out of it. I don't think we necessarily recognise just how valuable being part of a set up that lets you focus on your own problems is. I love the UK. It is an awesome place, but I don't think there is sufficient reflection on issues like Colonialism and Imperialism. I don't think there is sufficient discussion about how we empower people to have similar opportunities to take advantage of the progress the world has seen. Even within the UK, I don't think it is as meritocratic as those who have succeeded believe. It is easy to say we get what we deserve, when we have succeeded.

Andrew:
Would you like some cheese with your whine? Colonialism and Imperialism happened a long time ago. Anyway, I wasn't part of all that. My parents and their parents also struggled. England was colonised by the Vikings, the French, and various European Monarchs had their turn. William of Orange was Dutch, and the latest lot are German and Greek. Russia was colonised by the Mongols. The Slavs, where we get the word Slave, were as white as Prince George's bottom. Look at Singapore and Rwanda... if you stop making excuses and start taking responsibility, your situation changes. Whine just gives you a hangover. At what point do we get to move on?

Trev:
I do think there is a balance. Yes, responsibility is important but some of the obstacles are structural. It is very hard to see why it is hard to break out of those restraints when you aren't under them. Particularly us as white, English-Speaking, males, who went to decent schools, and were part of strong communities. The world is largely set up for us. Even if we stumble, and go rogue for a while. We'll have buddies and family to help us up again. It can't all just be about sorting ourselves out. There must be some sort of shared responsibility.

Arthur:
There is shared responsibility. It's called tax. It's called the Welfare State. At some point people need to wipe their own bottoms. I am so tired of being told I can't have an opinion on anything because of my genitalia and lack of tan. I am also tired of being told I don't care, or am evil, because I just want to get a job I am good at, build a life I want to live, do things I enjoy, and pay a truck ton of tax along the way to a state that can help others who don't have the advantages I do. What more can you expect from me?

Trev:
Except taxes are National. It is the Umlazi problem I started with. The world is Global now. In the same way as I grew up where the "Whites Only Areas" were sustained by Black Labour. Building borders and sinking boats is just a way of creating open-air prisons. The UK is a country of migrants. The US is a country of migrants. The EU has a long history of migration. Instanbul, in Turkey, was the capital of the Roman Empire. Alexandria in Egypt, one of the centres of learning. How can we just focus on Nation States? Surely there is a better form of community.

Max:
Because Nation States are the most effective form of Government we have come up with. Because not participating in  "Civilising Missions" is the lesson learned from failed Colonialism and Imperialism. Because Free Trade is the best way to let other countries sort themselves out in their own way, in their own time. We haven't exactly had a sterling history of military interventions in imposing ourselves on others. Borders will gradually become more invisible as and when it is safe. You are living in la-la-land if you think it is fine to thrust "progress", whatever that is, on people. Or to expect people to put at risk all they have built up, to let whoever wants to come, in.

[Simon, Marco, Andrew, Arthur, and Max are fictional]