The Storm (Errol Gray)

"Endurance, Resilience and Creativity can be observed in behaviour and outcomes, but their well-spring lies within us. These virtues are high value because they do not manifest in behaviour without a struggle. They struggle most commonly against a welter of misinformed anxiety and fear. Anxiety is usually misinformed – what it imagines seldom happens, but in the meantime it diminishes our capacity for Endurance, Resilience and Creativity. Though inner calm is required, it’s elusive. Without it things fly apart. “The wise man in a storm prays not for deliverance from danger, but for deliverance from fear. The storm within endangers us more than the storm without.” Ralph Waldo Emerson. The antidote to fear is love more than courage. Love is not a “selfie.” Love is “we” not “me.” Endurance, Resilience and Creativity are endemic to calm hearts in cultures of inclusive community."

Errol Gray

Shelter in Community

Mrs & Mr John

Marriage is a joint commitment to share life. It is a public statement of intent to our communities that we want to build our home and family. It is a promise to hold a space of kindness and respect for each other. To gradually, and curiously, gain a deep understanding of our stories, and values, as they mingle to create a strong foundation. Marriage is a practice. Something we learn through and from. It will challenge and stretch us, but also provide a place of retreat, reflection, and reinvigoration. Marriage is a second perspective that adds depth and meaning, through trust and love.

Gemma John & Trevor John

Kindness and Respect

Life is full of highs and lows. Sunsets, storms and sunrises. I believe in building buffers. Not just external buffers. Also for relationships. Also for ourselves. If you are building something really worthwhile it takes time. You don't just solve problems by naming them. By recognising them. You have to do the work. That work takes time and patience. Openess, pain, pleasure, warmth and tears. It has to start with commitment. A real desire to be there with each other. A Buffer of Kindness and Respect stops relationships from snapping even when there is way more than enough underlying love. That underlying love and desire to build are also essential, but step one is making it through each day. Today. Tomorrow. One day at a time. Every day.

Hard to Find

Now breathe

Should love be hard? There is an irony in that the harder you try, the more difficult it is. I know I am not the best version of myself when I care too much. Yet I value the part of me that cares deeply about things. Detaching feels like not caring. I also think all relationships - friends, colleagues, family, and intimate relationships - do require a degree of hard work. Love is hard to find. You have to be willing to put the work in. To rewire yourself. To chip away at obstacles that stand in the way. To be patient. Hard can be beautiful. On top of all that you do need to detach. Detaching doesn't mean not caring. It means caring enough to look after yourself. To breathe into the relationships you are working on. To give them space. 

Incompetence

Life can become a bit of a pissing contest. One of the reasons public speaking at school is such a nightmare for so many people is you are being judged. The content isn't the thing that is important, it is how well you deliver it. Often the classmates listening are there because they have to be. The true magic happens when everyone who is there wants to be there. When everyone who is there is far more interested in the content than success, hierarchy or anything to do with who is smart or stupid. Meritocracy is a double-edged sword. It leaves us constantly worried about whether we deserve to be where we are. Signaling our intelligence. Earning our place. Add Trust. Add Love. Add Commitment. Then you won't feel like your bladder is about to burst.

umBubble Wam

Ndiyathemba ukuba, ngokwandisa umBubble wam, nokwenza iimpazamo ezininzi, ndinokususa ezinye izithintelo ezithintele ukuba ndibone. Ukhuphiswano luyanyanzeleka njengabantu abadala. Siva ngathi kufuneka siqinisekise ukuba sifanele sihlale esihlalweni. I-Hereditary Status sasimisa abantu ukuzama kwiindawo abazikhethileyo. I-Meritocracy yayifanele iwanike umntu ithuba. Esikhundleni saloo ndawo, ithatha indawo yokuba 'wazi indawo yakho' 'ngokufumana indawo yakho'. Impumelelo. Zombini zimbi. Sinika abantwana ithuba. Siyabathanda nantoni na eyenzayo. Ngokukhawuleza, xa siba ngabantu abadala, uthando kunye nentlonipho ziyaxhomekeka. Ubudlelwane buvakalelwa ngathi bahlala besengozini yokuwahlukana. Ndifuna ukukhululeka ngakumbi ngokungakhathaleli loo mngcipheko. Ukuvulela iimpazamo kunye nokungakwazi. Ngenxa yokuba sifunda apho.

Me. You. Us. (Kirsty & Yaron)

Trev:

Often we live our lives in parallel not sharing the struggles that affect us the most. Communities offer the opportunity for growth and vitality to people with enough in common to understand each other, but enough diversity to challenge each other. I recently joined a London group of 5 men who meet twice a month to support and challenge each other. One of those chaps is Yaron Engler. He bursts with energy, and sees the world very differently to me. With enough common fire for there to have been an instant bond. Kirsty Hanly is a friend of his. They have just started building a Facebook community called 'Me. You. Us' to create a supporting, loving, place for men and women to dig deep into the intimate relationships that hold us together, and tear us apart. I have invited them to have a chat about their intentions for the group.

Kirsty:

Hi Trevor, lovely to connect! I love what you say there about a common fire between the men in your group. I think that’s what Yaron and I were looking to create here, it’s a space where people looking to explore this subject can land together and find the common fire that allows for a supported discussion. I wanted to create a community where we can explore, go deep, ask questions of each other, share common experience and remember what is possible when people choose to live is a space of inspired connection rather than disconnection. Fulfilment and incredible sex being two of those possibilities!

Kirsty Hanly

Yaron:

The area of relationship, intimacy and sex is so relevant to everyone but it feels we need to figure things out by ourselves. It’s as if we are not suppose to talk about it. It’s like a big fucking secret. I see so many people really frustrated, angry and confused about their experience with intimate relationships so I thought that creating a community where we talk openly about these things would help people understand each other better. I know from my experience that with some practise, good tools and open communication beautiful shifts can happen.

Yaron Engler

Kirsty:

I totally agree. When I left my marriage so many people came up to me in the street or at my children’s school and told me of their secret frustrations in their relationship. It was as if my experience being gave them permission to ‘come out’ about how unhappy they were. As a therapist of course I hear about this stuff all the time but I remember being surprised at how many people who on an everyday basis would consider themselves to be fine were not having sex or the sex they would like, were desperate to be heard by their partner or wanted to leave all together but didn’t know how, or were worried about the impact on their children. And then there’s all my clients who come to see me because they can’t meet anyone at all. All those personal blocks to dating success… It's a secret minefield for many people.

Relationship Community

Yaron:

And there is no reason for it to be like that. Sure, relationship is a complex concept. I am the last one who would say that I have the cure for the perfect relationship. There is no perfect relationship other the one YOU CHOOSE TO BE IN. If you choose to be in one than show up! Stay open. Be willing to give it all and get hurt. I believe that life is about being open. Being honest. Being true to yourself. My wife knows it very well and we have the most beautiful relationship. Is it smooth and easy? Fuck me! No, it’s not! But we keep on growing. We keep on discovering. We keep on succeeding through our failures and all the mess. And all the scars that we carry on the way make us stronger. It’s because I know the power and the beauty of this path that I wanted to create this group. I am very passionate to support those who have the courage to stop hiding. I know that if you are ready to live your truth without all unnecessary bullshit and masks around it you will find magic. This is a powerful invitation.

Kirsty:

So the thing that makes the difference is having two people who are committed to that growth, then together you can journey through all that comes up. The problem is that many people are not in that space or don’t have the tools to be able to navigate what inevitably rears it’s head. If you are the one who’s doing the growing that becomes a painful situation. You cannot do intimacy for two so you either have to stay in your relationship and know that’s how it is, for now at least, or find someone who is able to speak more of your language and is open to growth and exploration. It’s not easy for many people.

This applies to us all but I speak to women here when I say that I believe that intuitively we all know what is needed but it’s a practise to enable yourself to listen and be connected to that. In her book ‘Women Who Run With The Wolves’, Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls forward the Wild Woman in all of our feminine souls - she’s wise, she’s deeply connected to nature, she’s alive and free.

"Without her, women are without ears to hear her soultalk or to register the chiming of their own inner rhythms. Without her, women"s inner eyes are closed by some shadowy hand, and large parts of their days are spent in semi-paralysing ennui or else wishful thinking. Without her, women lose the sureness of their soulfooting. Without her, they forget why they"re here, they hold on when they would best hold out. Without her, they take too much or too little or nothing at all. Without her, they are silent when they are in fact on fire. She is their regulator, she is their soulful heart, the same as the human heart that regulates the physical body."

It’s important to be deeply listening to your Wild Woman and what she already knows to be true, but so many people have lost that connection. This group is a way to explore more of who you already are - men and women - to develop a vocabulary around your needs and desires, and to learn how to enjoy the game or relationship so much more fully.

Yaron:

Yes. Enjoying is an important part of this. Relationships, as I mentioned before are too often connected to struggle. But with open mind and heart and with the right tools - all the frustrating, annoying and scary things can be converted into fun. Once you learn some ‘new rules’ of this game of relationship you start to laugh and enjoy all those things that pissed you off before. That leads to deep connection with much more intimacy and quite a lot of laughs. This is true for all those who are in the relationship they consciously choose to be in. If you don't want to be in the relationship you're in that’s a whole different story to explore. But first, you have to be brutally honest with yourself and think and feel from a clean place in your heart.

Kirsty:

And getting to that clean place in your heart is the part that most find so difficult. That's where coaching with cognitive hypnotherapy can be so amazing as it allows a working through of all those blocks to opening. All those places where we hold back, close down, point the finger at the other, and the other things that get in the way of what we really want to have happen. But it's a crazy journey. I'm certainly still on the path of learning with it all. What do you think Yaron? An endless yet fascinating exploration? As we've already said, the trick is to learn more of the game that means it can all be flowing and enjoyable, rather than painful and difficult.

Yaron:

Jane, one of the women in our macbook group wrote: ‘Ultimately relationships are an inside job’ - I love this. If we are in relationship we are always on that journey and that a beautiful thing, but the only way to make the journey more flowing and enjoyable by being honest with ourselves first. Otherwise it will sooner or later become a nightmare. And to be honest with your partner you must first be honest with yourself. Otherwise all the shit that I am throwing at your partner is a mix of projections, judgements, and withholds that you carry inside. And you’ll get the same from your partner. I have fucked up relationship in the past by not being fully honest and this is why I committed to full honesty with my wife and I do notice the huge difference in this relationship. There is nothing I need to hide. Are there no pains, no difficulties? Sure there are, but I can now face them with a smile whilst staying open and enjoy the incredible ride we are having together as a couple. It is an incredible journey.

Kirsty:

Jane is absolutely right, it’s all about ownership of your own experience. I’ve just come out of a short but super intense relationship which was an incredibly beautiful/horribly painful experience, the kind the universe drops in your lap to give you a slap and wake you up from time-to-time. The whole thing was like being in an accelerated growth chamber. Ultimately we were wanting different things in life, but I’m incredibly happy we came together as we did. The point is not that things are easy (although you know you are on the right path when it flows well of course!), but it’s what you do with what comes up for you that’s important. That goes for life generally of course, but especially important in relationships. We are all doing the best with the resources we have. What is really great is when you get a few more resources though. A few things can make the hugest difference.

Yaron:

I agree. Resources and also teachers. A few days ago I had a session with one of my teachers together with my wife. So many blocks were removed in that session. It was scary. It was powerful. It was very beautiful. I love seeing the growth that is created in our relationship thanks to the resources and teachers I find on the path. It requires me to be bold. To ask what I want. To stay strong to the challenges that keep coming up all the time. And they do keep coming 🙂. My relationship and my sex life have changed significantly in recent years in the most beautiful ways because I invest a lot in it. In the end of the day and in the end of life I will be left with the love and the connections that I have created. This is why it is so important to me to be fully honest and to make sure that I lead with my own truth of giving and receiving in the relationships that I create. I keep seeing the powerful impact of this in my life and this is why I want to offer this path also to my clients.

Unconscious Competence (Kirsty)

Hello from Bali you beautiful people, where I'm currently listening to jazz music, eating a raw vegan doughnut and contemplating life and love. I posted this in a private group that I co-run today but thought I'd pop it up here too.

I was once engaged to a professional jazz saxophonist. We were too young and not awake enough to make it work, but being a jazz musician's partner brought some interesting observational learning. The major one that I was just contemplating was that it was wonderful watching the mixture of both an incredible discipline of practice (at least 4 hours a day) and then most beautiful flow that occurred when he was on stage doing no conscious thinking at all - which of course he was able to do because of the practice.

We can all benefit from more of that combination - in relationships, in work, in life. But how often do you translate the discipline of what you've already made happen into what you would like to have happen?

It's a magic combination.

The practice - not assuming you will just know how to do it all innately - why would you? - but getting your body and mind to a place of released blocks, opening, emotional stretch, breath, capacity for intimacy, understanding the other, etc - but working at it in everything you do. Getting into a place of unconscious competence because you've put in the hours.

And then entering into The flow - learning to let go, receive, connect, feel sensation, open more fully, breath with another, be vulnerable, hold and be held, get out of the way and let the instrument play itself, all without having to be present in your head because for that moment the 'work' is done and you can just 'be' with yourself, with others, with life.

No musician can make a beautiful sound on stage without putting in the hours and then learning how to let it flow. How would your relationship, sex, intimacies be different if you did the work? A while back I gave the whole year a theme of 'exploring connection'. That was a pretty exciting year for sure. What would yours be and what would you do to find the stretch for yourself?

If you're interested in exploring this around intimacies, relationships, sex, and love come and join us over at https://www.facebook.com/groups/MeYouUsRelationshipCommunity/

We also have an exclusive 6-month programme starting in the autumn to dive into these topics in an intimate, supported transformational group. You can find out more from the link below. If it calls to you just PM me and I can tell you the next steps. 

http://inspiringlivescoaching.com/meyouus/

Be in the exploration.

Inspired love to you.

Love and Beauty

Two of the focuses of Plato's thinking were love and beauty. Love connecting to aspiration through relationships, and Beauty connecting to aspiration through art. More broadly than art, the objects and things we choose to surround ourselves with. The connection between the two ideas resonates deeply with my experience. He believed we fall in love with people who have a quality we admire, but lack. Calm, self-discipline, eloquence, balance, grace. He also believed objects, paintings, buildings and other forms of art are able to highlight these same values, and trigger similar emotions. 

Plato's Agathon, a handsome poet, invites his friends around to eat, drink, and talk about love

A beautiful idea. It explains in part our essentialist attachment to things. In the same way as we fall in love with a person beyond rationality, we are able to fall in love with forms of art. Love and art lift us higher. They make us better versions of ourselves. In Plato's eyes, love is a form of education. A good relationship challenges you. Equally, beautiful objects invite us to evolve in their direction.

I find this obvious when spending time with those closest to me. They are mirrors of who I am, but with their own paths. A similar story, but from a different angle. Often that change of angle sheds an obstruction. It allows me to let go of any defensiveness I may have when reflecting on myself. But still be reflecting on myself, through them.

We grow through, and with, what and who we include in our space, and time.

The Book of Life - Plato

The Next Step

Life can be hard. Brutal at times. At times, I have ended up convulsing with tears, a dull throb in the pit of my stomach and then momentary pauses when my body simply has no more energy left to feed my pain. An overwhelming, visceral, physical domination by life. So I stared blankly. Wondering what next. Wondering why. In 'The Happiness Hypothesis' Jonathan Haidt says there is very little evidence that catharsis works. Simply being angry at the world for anger's sake. In my experience this is true. Anger feeds anger. What does help, and what may involve anger, is communication. And time.

Whenever I feel a deep injustice has been done, I desperately want to be able to tell someone about it. Even if it is a little injustice that I know isn't worth getting upset about. I try to be all mature and breathe and all that stuff, but the thing that helps me let it go is often when I get to retell the story. A friend nodding, and saying 'what an idiot' is the best muti. What Haidt says is one of the best forms of therapy is effectively sense making. Get angry. Write it down. Speak. Then again. Again. Add time.

Image Source 

People are remarkably resilient at taking something that goes wrong and twisting it into a story that makes sense. When things go properly wrong for me, I try and do something really awesome that I wouldn't have been able to do if those things had gone right. Something going right means a constraint. Constraints force us to think in novel, creative ways. We do wonderful things, but we aren't defined by those constraints. When something awful happens, we often get to recreate the rules. Step back and choose new constraints in a world that could not possibly have existed if the other things had gone the way we wanted.

I like the metaphor of a loving parent and a brave, exploring child. The parent offers safe, unconditional love and knowing this, the child is able to go out, get hurt, learn, and prosper. They can always call on that unconditional love. My worst case scenario is full of this love, and that makes me feel incredibly confident.

If I was to wake up tomorrow in a parallel world where all the people I knew were gone, I had no money, I was naked, I was in a country that didn't speak English, and no one looked like me - I like to think I would be ok. That base is something that can't be taken away. It's mine. I would be able to find help. Perhaps after a stint in jail while they understood why I was wandering around naked. I think I would be ok because I have been lucky in that unconditional love. Over my life, I have come in contact with so many wonderful people that have provided that secure base to recreate the story if things go wrong.

What matters, the only thing that matters, is the next step.

Doublethink

I haven't read 1984 in a while, so I thought it was time.

You would think that it would be topical given all the talk about privacy disappearing with new technology, but that was not what struck me the most on this reading.

A few things did.

The first was doublethink. When you read the book, you think how hard it must be to have to convince yourself that you can hold two contradictory thoughts in your head at the same time. But then I thought, not really. In fact, it is harder to realise you are holding contradictory thoughts and do something about it. I haven't met a single person in my entire life whose thoughts have been entirely consistent. We are walking contradictions. The scary thing about 1984 is not so much what the world could become like, but what it is... and what it has always been. Well, not scary so much as real. In a way, it is heartening. When you realise you said something stupid in the past, you need not defend yourself to the death. You can just say you were wrong. When you realise that you are more likely wrong in your beliefs than you are right, it frees you to really attack things with a genuine energy to find out more.

Stuart, Dhruv and I are talking about immigration and its impact on diversity in posts on both Stu's blog and this one. I think there is also a tendency to cling to 'the current' as if it was the past. That English now has always been English. That "Indian Food" in America is not "Real Indian Food". The Past exists, but that is where it is. There is no need to defend it as if it has always been. Take the best of everything and make something better.

Another thing that struck me was that they really thought they had betrayed each other. It struck me as wrong. Although you could question the deepness of their love since they were just two souls that were thrust together in opposition to everything else, I don't think they betrayed each other. Even if they did what they did. Some love is unconditional. Even if maybe it is in the past. There are some things you can not take away. There are some things that are a part of who you are, and even if by some extreme stroke, you take that away... you can't remove the fact that it is a part of who you were.

Awesome Book.

Alls Fair In Love & War

When can you use the accusation `That is not fair?'.

Thinking about it from the other perspective is likely to make it just that. If there is such a thing, what is fair?

During the invasion/emanicipation of Iraq (depending on your framing), a lot of people were talking about the unfair tactics of human shields, dressing up as civilians and terror.

If you believed in something and were willing to sacrifice everything to avoid an `evil invader', would you care what was `fair'? Is war fair?

When Shaka Zulu broke his long throwing spear in half and ran across the field to stab people at close quarters, was that fair?

When the British used guns against the Zulus to beat them, was that fair?

Love is probably the same, we would like to be treated fairly... but chances are fair means different things to different people... And inconsistently too, depending on which side of the trade they are on.

a little TED

Now being in a place where bandwidth is no issue, I have been getting more than my share of TED fixes... here are some to look at if you get the chance.

Helen Fisher looks at The Brain in Love

A Biologist who maps the brain and studies love. The intense highs. The incredible lows. It is comforting in a way to know that that incredible pain, and those highs associated with finding someone who loves you, them loving you back, being rejected, rejecting, feeling like you are walking on air, feeling like fire is tearing burning flesh from your body... are all common human experiences. Love as an addiction.

Richard Baraniuk looks at the new world of learning through Open Source Textbooks

I get really excited about this sort of thing. I am busy reading `The Google Story', and I can see such an exciting world ahead. Like the Gutenburg press changed the world 500 years ago, the internet is taking literacy and making it two-way communication. More than two-way... learning will become a part of what we do in the same we breathe. There are no boundaries and nothing is inaccessible. Things like digitizing every book ever written, open-source university, blogs, social-networking and the like are making the world a very exciting place.

Moshe Safdie takes ideas and turns them into Unique Buildings

An architect who looks at the world differently. He takes things people are passionate about and transforms them into spaces and areas of energy and emotion.