Sometimes in conversation, we get confused about what we are actually doing. There is not clear agreement on “the game we are playing”. Is it advice? Is it listening? Are we just waiting for our turn to speak? The advantage of knowing what game you are playing, is that you don’t get into a situation where the games conflict and neither person gets what they are after.
One game I call “8 Mile”, after the movie about Eminem. In it you trash talk yourself for 5 minutes, then you specifically ask people to be nasty/aggressive for 5 minutes. In a controlled setting, you go to the places you least like going. I am normally not a fan of devil’s advocate approaches, or the academic style of critique.
I prefer a Theatre Sport approach, where you build on what the other actors do. If someone pokes you with a banana, pretending it is a sword.... go with it. Pretend too, and act like you have been stabbed. Don’t go, “but that is a banana”.
Theatre lets us get to truths behind the truth. If people know that that is the point. A lot of the time we are playing competing games without clarity of what the point is. Of where the game is leading us. Of whether we even want to be part of the game. Different tools have different uses in different situations. Not every problem is a banana.
When you get advice, you are asking what that person would do if they were in your situation. That person is not you, and only knows what you have told them, in the way they have understood it. Once you have heard the advice, you can filter it for the bits of information that make sense to you in your world.
A danger in giving advice, arises with the expectation that it will be implemented. That is not advice. That is an instruction. It is true that if there is no evidence that the advice has any impact, the person giving the feedback is unlikely to continue giving it. If the recipient does not seem open to it. If they are feigning interest without genuine listening or learning. There is a dance going on.
There needs to be real curiosity, but also an acceptance that advice is autobiographical and projects experiences onto someone else. Not everything is going to land. There still needs to be clarity about whose decision it is. Otherwise, you get into a situation where responsibility does not walk hand in hand with authority.
Similarly, when advice is being given... it is not a debate. The person listening doesn’t have to defend themselves. There may be clarity needed, or additional context required, but you don’t have to convince the advice-giver to act in the way the decision-maker would.
What do you do if autonomy is really important to you, but you find something or someone else makes better decisions than you do? Imagine you had an app on your phone that was similar to GPS and Google Maps, but for life choices. In the beginning, I certainly didn’t trust GPS. When it first came out, it wasn’t great. I was working in a job where I had to visit various financial advisors in Joburg. I was a Durban boy, not a Joburger, so I had to use maps. GPS would tell me “you have reached your destination”, and I would be in the middle of the highway. I knew enough to know my destination, even if the path was cloudy. I had enough of a sense of my direction to know, “I am pretty sure this isn’t the right turnoff”. I would start by saying, “trust the GPS”, but I would end up in the wrong place. But gradually it got better, and gradually I started feeling comfortable letting it make decisions for me. Letting me focus on other things.
All lives don’t have the
same options. The challenge with reading books, watching movies, and spending
time with outliers and heroes is their realities are likely vastly different. I
went to watch a play about homelessness in the UK. Something as a Soutie, I had
been skeptical about (“You don’t know what poverty is. Come to South Africa.”).
The Actors took suggestions from the audience, and then played it out. The
lesson? We have no idea how to live other people’s lives. We just think we do.
The best generic advice is to pay deep attention to your options. Talk to
people whose lives resonate with yours. Find mentors who have walked the path
from where you are. Friends one page ahead. Don’t underestimate what you can
learn from very average people. What you can learn from, rather than teach,
people less fortunate than you. Don’t spend so much time trying to surround
yourself with successful people that you lose yourself. Meritocracy can hide
what we have under what we want.
I have always been an earnest chap with a chip on my shoulder about being taken seriously. Easy to tease. Easy to provoke. By age 26, I had my first professional qualification and thought this gave my adulthood some spine. I moved cities from where I had studied in Cape Town to the heart of South Africa's Engine room Johannesburg. I cut my hair and swapped my eccentric tops for a proper work uniform. Peacocks get seen but often dismissed. I rented a flat on my own and started playing properly at adulthood. The change of city, and change of community, just started to poke my bubble. To look up and to look out. A stable income just starting to provide a foundation to move beyond the question of "What do you want to do?". I was doing it. What was the next question? The deeper question? Happy 26th Birthday South Africa. What is the deeper question?
All
advice is autobiographical. Like we are coaching a younger version of ourselves
having gained some insight into the chaos. Like our world, is the world. I
regularly review my story, and my reading of it changes. I call this the “Adult
View”. Adult not always meaning wiser. Sometimes a bit more cynical. I have
several chips on my shoulders. I am insistent on ownership because I have put
my future in the hands of others, and had decisions made which I both disagreed
with and was powerless to do anything about. The make-up of the teams I
believed in changed to the point where the word team is rather abstract. Like
the story of a boat that gets repaired until none of the constituent parts are
the same as the original boat. I know I am like that boat. I am not the younger
version of myself, neither physically (our bodies regenerate) nor mentally (the
world I see now is not the world I saw then). The best we can do is build endurance
and resilience, and be creative. Rather than wisdom, age brings the awareness
that no one knows.
Not all good ideas are good business ideas. Not all good business ideas
are good ideas. One rule of thumb to separate good ideas from good business
ideas is the question, “Does it Scale?”. Advice givers are stuck with this dilemma.
High quality advice is clearly a very good idea. The world is complicated,
ambiguous, and random. We are all hopelessly incompetent and ignorant in our
own special way. The world, and knowledge of the world, is simply too infinite
for us to be adequately equipped to make all our decisions on our own. High
quality advice isn’t scalable. We all experience reality as a controlled
hallucination. What we see is based on what we have seen. To see what others
see, you have to develop a relationship. You have to share their hallucination.
It’s intimate. It is time and energy consuming. If you need to monetise this, the
only way you can make the economics work is by pushing the price up. That’s not
a good business idea, its just better story telling. Another approach is for
things that scale to finance things that don’t.
I started my career at a tumultuous time for advice givers. I explicitly
didn’t (and don’t) give advice, but I gave technical support to those who did.
I get uncomfortable about the risk transfers that go on in advice giving. The
person paying thinks their job ends there. Releasing responsibility for their decisions.
The regulators jump in with frameworks that oversimplify what risk is. The
advisor is stuck in an odd space trying to make the economics work in a minefield
of conflicts of interest. The industry was changing from a model where product
providers paid up-front commissions to a fee-for-advice model. A “Polis Smouse”
(policy hawker) would simply try and sell investment and risk products, and
then churn them by selling another a year or two later. Fees are supposed to
encourage independent, objective, advice. The challenge is that is expensive.
Good advice is bespoke. It is a relationship. It doesn’t simplify risk into high
or low. It sees the person and risks as the complicated beasts that they are,
and cares. This is still an unsolved problem. The economics of transactions
simply don’t work when the product is a relationship. My view is the answer
lies in building financially secure communities. Empowered Local can handle
complicated.
Austin
Kleon says all advice is autobiographical. Baz Luhrmann says it is a form of
nostalgia. I worry that people see advice as risk transfer, “but I did what you
told me to!”. It is what I don’t like about the dance of money and advice. You
are selling a story. Your story. The listener probably needs an Editor rather
than an Author. A Narrative Therapist. Narrative Therapy separates the person
from their problem. It encourages people to use their own skills to make
choices, and take action. To become the author of their lives rather than a
passive character. They remain the author. They rewrite. The Therapist simply
helps them identify their skills, knowledge, and values and apply that to the
story they are trying to create. Advice is not risk transfer. No one knows your
story like you do. I am super cautious of giving advice. I love sharing (and editing)
my story. What’s yours?
Freedom isn't the absence of rules. The absence of boundaries and constraints can end up being a constraint. It can stop you building. Rules are just agreements. Agreements that allow you to relax into something because you understand the game being played. One of the games we play is hiding our struggles. I think this is partly because we don't agree on rules for how to deal with struggles being shared. If someone shares their struggles, it is hard not to jump in with advice. In my experience, that is normally the last thing people want. Particularly if that advice comes with an obligation to be followed (don't ask for my feedback if you don't listen to it). I think we would benefit from more spaces where people are simply able to share their struggles. No advice requested. No response necessary. No pity. Just people dealing with the stuff that we need to deal with. Together.
All advice is autobiographical. As we stumble through the madness, we learn lessons. These can feel like dramatic insights we evangelically want to share. Without context, the broadcasting of these views is simply telling our own story. In a transactional world, people will often pay for advice. Paying for a slice of other people's stories to mix into their own. The results will always be different.
I am clearly noisy. I don't hold back on sharing my story. I am significantly more nervous when it comes to giving advice. I always worry about "what if things go wrong". I don't like the idea of bumping someone else's story and then them turning back at me with a glare when they crash. I find keeping a vague sense of my own control tough as it is.
I am also aware that I have no idea what it must be like to be in other people's situations. As the world stretches and we struggle to define Global and Local communities, our lives stop being replicas of our parents, siblings, friends, and elders. There are really very few people to turn to with significantly similar stories, but one step ahead. There are very few adults. We are all pioneers in a world that is changing rapidly. Work, relationships, and communities are all blowing around in the wind.
I talk a lot about money and financial security. I don't like this. I would far rather be talking about other things. It was my distaste for being controlled that led me to aggressively try gain financial freedom. My superpower is delayed gratification. If something hard needs doing, I would rather do it first. Ofen grumpily, but I will do it. With the elusive carrot of "can you just leave me alone now?" dragging me along. I looked at the menu I had, and picked the thing that would get me this freedom. I spent significantly less than I earned from as early as possible, and got my extra money a job. Until I felt like I could constrain my spending enough to let my money work, and be left alone. I love being left alone.
This is not an option for most people. I know that. It is an option for a lot of people who choose to constantly improve their lifestyles as their earning capacity expands. We live in a world in which the life you live is largely determined by the work you do. The lifestyle to which we become accustomed is determined by our work's market price. Which becomes our price is we spend most of our time working and live hand-to-mouth. Constantly expanding into the gaps.
The harsh truth is every financial decision has tradeoffs. If you have the skills/knowledge or the capacity to develop them, then you can have whatever "thing" it is you desire. With consequences. The challenge is broadening your vision wide enough to choose the whole package consciously. No decision is isolated.
That is a problem. A bigger problem is the people who can't even get the process started. Who aren't even in a position to cut back their spending because they aren't spending. Step number one in Financial Security is finding a source of income. There is a basic amount that you need just to play the game. There are Billions of people who don't even have that. Who are under incredible financial stress that keeps them gasping for breath. Not false gasping because of choices. Gasping because of exclusion.
That is where my advice falls really flat. That is where for my advice to mean anything, I have to be asking far more questions than giving answers. I have never been in poverty. Even when I felt poor, it wasn't poor... it was just my allergy against being controlled flaring up. I had choices. I made them.
My sense is the people who are best placed to give advice are those whose stories resonate the most. The ones whose lives are closest to those with similar problems. I love the "Humans of..." series. The more stories we make a part of our own, the more relevant the words we release. Our ears are likely to be better problem solvers than our tongues. Your answers are likely to be much closer to you, than they are to me. Close enough to hear if you are paying attention.
All advice is autobiographical. Advice reveals more about the person giving the advice, than it does about the receiver. We are only able to see the world from our own perspective. This kind of feedback is incredibly powerful. Criticism becomes a double-edged request for help from someone struggling with the same thing. You're that. Like me. We are normally irritated most, by the things that matter most to us. As a little chap, I was argumentative, easy to rattle, and passionate about finding the truth. I have worked hard at getting better at listening, banter, staying calm and tolerating/valuing alternative ways of seeing the same thing. I still lapse into battle-mode, and so battle-mode irritates me in others. That irritation is a mirror.
'All advice is autobiographical'. We can only see the world from the perspective of the life we have lived. When we act, no matter how much homework we have done first, our conviction that we are right will always be partially based on overconfidence. The world isn't made up of clear choices between one and zero. The fuzziness, uncertainty and creativity allows us to make decisions rather than being stuck. The stories we tell ourselves help us act. When we share our learning, we are sharing our story. It won't be the same story for the listener. If the advice is a good story, perhaps they will assimilate some of the characters and plot twists.
I have mentioned my cousin Charles before, in discussing the 'Normalising of Suffering'. He is a Psychologist (and an awesome guy) who focuses on helping people cope with Chronic Pain. We had a chat...
Charles on the left. His daughter's picture of me on the right.
Trev:
One thing Psychologists are trained to do which lay people aren't good at is to listen without judgement. It doesn't come naturally. I recently saw a David Bowie clip where he was giving MTV grief for being racist. The interviewer explained their point of view (basically saying they were giving people what they wanted) and Bowie responded, 'I understand what you are saying'. The interviewer pushed with, 'Do you see our logic?'. Bowie reiterated, 'I understand what you are saying'. Both the listener and the speaker tend to search body language for agreement, and it is a rare skill to be able to listen in a way that allows someone to carry on explaining their view without endorsing what they are saying. Without offering advice. Without trying to fix things yourself. It seems when it comes to Mental Health, the fixing has to be personal. Advice isn't that helpful.
Charles:
All true at one level. Before we find another thing wrong with us however, I suspect judging, like comparing and predicting, is a strong feature of a self-aware human mind with evolutionary benefits. The skill here might be how we learn to respond - with the difficult task of listening - to someone when judgement (and often discomfort) is turning up. I'm giving myself a lifetime to master this skill. I do think our mental health/lives are a personal journey of discovery. I suspect advice might prove unhelpful, because often our thoughts about our suffering are a reflection of an unchangeable past, which we are ruminating on and predicting will be our future. The real question to me however, is whether we need to be "fixed". Many smarter people than myself, would suggest that when we start a journey of trying to "fix" ourselves/others, life might start to narrow, our suffering increase, and simply more problems will emerge that will need to be "fixed".
Trev:
I completely misunderstood evolution until reading Daniel Dennett's 'Darwin's Dangerous Idea'. I had heard it compared to the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland, who runs faster in order to stay in the same place, but the penny hadn't dropped. I understood evolution to be the upward trajectory of the past to the future. A prediction of progress. A prediction that things will be fixed. It is interesting that that is not at all how evolution works. The 'survival of the fittest' suggests we know in advance who is the fittest. It is more random that that. Evolution works by doing largely the same thing again and again. The minor, small copying mistakes rather than predicting strength add robustness. If surprises happen, small differences help survival. Perhaps that is similar to advice and fixing? Mental Health comes more from understanding what is. Some acceptance. Some appreciation. Perhaps that is why meditation is seen as one of the partners to psychology and psychiatry in helping.
Charles:
I think there is enormous power for a therapist/ a person normalising (as opposed to fixing) another's suffering. It validates the inevitable fluctuations of our inner world and our life. It also validates something that has already taken place and perhaps opens some space for moving in a chosen direction. One point here becomes whether an individual gives energy to their "problem/symptom" or to their "life". I don't think there is a right and wrong answer here (although we seem to bias energy to problems). Ideally, where energy goes should emerge from an individual's actual experience (e.g. there should be a reward for your actions). I do like the concept of variations. I think it is very useful to notice our patterned behaviour and try make, even arbitrary, changes at times. This likely encourages more mindful living, as well as likely opening new pathways of living.
Trev:
Normalising suffering is incredibly powerful. Knowing other people are also going through similar issues, and you aren't being punished in any way allows us to escape the idea that we are doomed. That random problems are actually a pattern that is going to carry on. Otherwise we can descend into self pity. Problems do seem to get a disproportionate amount of our energy, ironically because we want to get rid of them. A little like terrorists attract more attention than they deserve, and potato salad is more dangerous than sharks (more people die of food poisoning). A little perspective does seem to help. Even an arbitrary shake up. I know that when I have been in a rut, sometimes moving cities has done wonders. But even there it seems like I am offering a fix. I like the idea of art as a channel to normalising our internal struggles. Art as a form of listening.
Agreed Trev, I think art provides a channel to all internal experiences. It's a pity this is often missed completely at a political level. I am truly grateful (particularly to my mother) for being (at times begrudgingly) exposed as a youngster to various art forms. It seems to have vicariously impacted on me. Considering art in this way, also makes me reflect on nature's capacity to also offer self-insight. Taking this on a slight tangent, I previously talked about learning from experience. When considering a "channel", I think one of the joys of being the current generation/s is to learn from those who have come before us. We can view art, read books, etc., and learn, or appreciate something in a few hours, which may have taken someone a lifetime of studying/experience to understand. Each generation can building upon this expanding 'collective wisdom'.
Trev:
Absolutely. I find it interesting that we complain about people being selective in their Social Media profiles and crafting very positive views of their life. Photos of travels and smiles. At the same time, when people share the difficult stuff, it is hard to process. We feel they shouldn't be telling all and sundry. Art (including books) seems to provide an alternative. A way to share without fear of narcissism. It would be great if people could trust Artists enough to confide in them in the same way we do to psychologists/ lawyers/ doctors/ religious leaders. If the Artists are able to then strip out the personal identity which leaves people feeling vulnerable, we would go a long way to normalising suffering. The difficulties surrounding child birth, parenting, divorces, illness, moving home, renovations, family conflicts etc. that are the definition of normal life. In that way people would feel less isolated. Perhaps the books are there already? I am not sure how many of our real struggles are that different from generations past.
Charles:
I would agree that our day-to-day struggles do seem the same as they were for our recent ancestors. Collective Wisdom (which requires sharing struggles) would be useful in this space. I do think however modern humans are exposed to suffering at a level never seen before. Within a 10 minute time frame I can face my own suffering and then surf a wave of suffering from Iraq, to Sierra Leone, to the upcoming Iowa primaries. When we can't face our own suffering, how can we manage the world's suffering? I imagine avoidance in various forms is our go to strategy. With this in mind, we cannot rely on psychologists, psychiatrists, religious leaders, etc. to help us. The reality is most will never access this support. It seems the wider audience (yes through art, education systems, communities) these ideas and coping strategies (not necessarily 'fixes') spread, the great chance of wiser collective choices about the world we want.
Trev:
That is why I think lay people can learn a lot from the listening skills of these professions. We need to be able to draw on the support of friends and family when professional listeners are scarce. There are also wonderful books which can provide solace. Matt Haig is writing some incredible pieces in championing Mental Health. 'The Humans' is a funny, warm, and very readable look at the messy but beautiful lives we lead. 'Reasons to Stay Alive' is the story of his own personal struggle with depression. The Book of Life lists a number of artists, writers and philosophers who have made contributions which can help us normalise the challenges of life, and celebrate the good bits. As you say, accepting rather than fixing pain so you can direct your energy to things that matter. Not letting the pain define us.
Charles:
And so we circle back to the beginning. My practical tip to listening better would be to slow down and attempt to listen 1% better. When you ask how we can do anything 1% better, I think we often have an answer and can immediately alter behaviour, without the overwhelming feeling of trying to make wholesale changes. Try the same with accepting something or giving energy to life rather than to a symptom. Trev, I will follow-up your suggested reading. From my 2015 reading, I would suggest Anthony Biglan's "The Nurture Effect" and George Vaillant's "Triumphs of Experience" as excellent insights into living a good life (including coping with suffering). Finally, in light of my "collective wisdom" response, perhaps Trev you could provide me and your followers and updated suggested resources list, based on your own learnings.
It would be nice if decisions simplified down to something tidy like the Golden Rule - 'Treat others as you would like them to treat you'. We could get on with our own lives and as long as we don't do anything to harm anyone else, it is all good. Unfortunately 'it's more complicated than that'. Everything we do has risks. Deciding to drive a car is putting other people's lives at risk. You aren't choosing to kill someone, but you have one set of eyes, one set of ears, and a concentration span. You make mistakes. Other people make mistakes. Not necessarily intentional mistakes but cars kill way more people than terrorists. We have to accept that risk to function. You can't get rid of risk, you can just manage it.
If we went through every single possible scenario, its potential outcome and had the wisdom to assign a cost and a benefit to each result we would never do anything. There is too much uncertainty. Fortunately we have our own inbuilt set of prejudices and blindspots that let us think - 'It's simpler than that' and get on with it. Till something goes horribly wrong and we realise we have to adjust.
One issue is what to do when you are providing advice to someone else? You are sharing your decision short cuts. You may have some knowledge because you have spent more time than the other person going through more scenarios. Since there are an infinite number of things you could consider, what you know is closer to what the person you are advising knows than to what there is to know. Even if they know nothing. Things can still go wrong. If you admit that you don't know, people are less likely to follow your advice. People like confidence. We don't like to accept that the story that helps us act is just a story.
Enter a system where people pay for advice. Enter a system where there is a government that regulates advice. That combination of a financial exchange and laws to ensure the advice is good makes the story more believable. You can relax.
It also makes advice very expensive. Take financial planning for example. The truth is that advice should be bespoke rather than generic. It should take into account your personal circumstance, aspirations, knowledge level, support structures, skills and emotional intelligence. The person giving advice should know you. They should know how you would respond to various situations. They should know you personally.
There lies the problem. People who may know you well enough to give advice may not want to give you advice. They may value your relationship so much that the mere risk that something may go wrong stops them giving advice. Many people who understand finances reasonably well for the own purposes will not give advice to friends and family for this reason. They love them. So they send them off to pay for advice.
Governments step in to try protect against unscrupulous people giving bad advice. They look at incentive structures to try and align interests. They ensure people don't give generic advice. This all sounds good, but the cost is that most people can then not afford advice. The cost of good advice is more than the amount they have to save!
I think the people best placed to give advice are friends who don't charge. Truly independent advice isn't independent because you are the one paying for it. It is independent because it is given freely. By not charging, then is no presumed risk transfer. Advice, rather than an exchange, is just the sharing of a story. A story full of holes that you can use or not. 'All advice is autobiographical' says Austin Kleon. Well, our biography is also the biography of our friends, family and community.
Happy 21st birthday South Africa. Watching a country heal and become something better is a slow process. I have always liked the idea of aligning the anniversaries of the first democratic elections with the birthdays of a person. Being the case, the country has reached adulthood. I say that tentatively since most of my friends and I were still very, very silly when we were 21. We had a great time though.
In the insurance world, there is a thing called the Accident Hump. The first couple of years of your life are very dangerous. Then as you get past that, the main thing that increases your risk of dying is getting older. Sorry, nothing you can do about that. But then, between the ages of 18 and 25-35 there is a thing called the accident hump. It is particularly pronounced in men. This is an age when we are learning to drink(,) and drive. We jump off rocks. We say offensive stuff to other accident humpers in bars. We break stuff. We build stuff. We test stuff. We learn.
In a big part, we start to figure out who we are, and doing that is dangerous. Women seem to find out who they are without quite so many tears. Fortunately glass ceilings are breaking and more women are coming into power. Khaleesi is coming to Westeros.
It is traditional to give some advice to a 21 year old. Advice is always difficult since it is so specific to your own story. Austin Kleon suggests that all advice is autobiographical. So here are my three pieces of advice. Feel free to add yours in the comments.
1. Don't fret so much about defining your own identity, the world is bigger than you.
You don't have all the information at your hands to make a perfect decision. You will learn stuff only by doing. That doesn't mean you shouldn't think through actions, but if you follow two rules '1) Be interested in other people, and 2) Don't be a dick.', you should be fine. What you do will define you, but you are only a little part of the big picture and the big picture is what really defines you. By showing interest in others, you are finding out more about yourself. By not being a dick, you are treating yourself well.
2. Don't overreact to stuff that goes wrong, people are resilient, and we learn.
People struggle to look beyond the next three to five years. Three years goes by in a blink, but the next three years seem to drive all our decisions. We react to stories, particularly scary ones, and we aren't that good at taking stock. Realise this, and before you panic, pause. Whatever goes wrong, there is a way to move forward. Don't let the crazies distract you. The people who add the most often aren't making a lot of noise.
3. Take a step back and enjoy right now.
It isn't all about progress. At some point you need to savour the good stuff. Some of your happiest moments will be when you aren't worrying about what has happened, and you aren't thinking about the future. Take time for yourself. Take time for the ones you love. Love widely.
Relationships are right at the heart of happiness. I have been lucky enough to have wonderful people in my life. The other day I spent a lazy afternoon with a friend from university. We used to have what I would call 'Red Wine Evenings' back then. The two of us and a bottle would wax lyrical about whatever was going on in our lives or how to change the world. On the most recent occasion the wine wasn't necessary. Neither of us was in a rush and we just chatted. In Afrikaans, they call it a good Kuier. A visit would be the closest translation, but that doesn't quite capture it. Kuiering is when you are savouring time together. Someone who knows you well may ask a question that only the previous time you have had together would have given them the insight to ask.
We learn as we go. The wonderful thing about being human is we can also learn from others. The challenge is gaining access to those stories. We may open up to close friends. Perhaps we have a coach or psychologist. We can chat to religious leaders, parents or even humanist chaplains. A big part of those conversations relies on confidentiality. Talking helps but we know that part of what allows other relationships to succeed is a sense of privacy. We don't air the dirty laundry of others and trust that others won't air ours. In learning as we go, we do things that make us cringe. It is hard enough processing those things without having to explain them to others.
I think it is a good thing that we are hesitant to talk about some of the tough personal challenges we have in order to protect the identities of those we care or cared about. There is a cost though. I have learnt a lot in the friendships and relationships I have had. Sometimes I learn the wrong lesson and misapply at the next opportunity, but I learn. I would be keen to share these stories but what stops me is the ability of people to read between the lines. Carly Simon style... they probably think the words are about them. I know I am not alone in this. There are those in loveless relationships. Everyone has family issues. Some struggle to have uncomfortable conversations with the ones they care about. Other don't give those they love the benefit of the doubt. Those leaving relationships often burst with things they think they will correct next time around. A lot of people struggle in silence. Communicating is hard.
We also struggle with stories where the identity we are protecting is our own. It is easy to share a story publicly of a weakness that has been conquered. Or a strength dressed up as a 'weakness'. Like in a job interview where you say you can be 'a bit too much of a perfectionist', or 'I step on toes sometimes when time is tight and I have to get the job done'. It is tempting to maintain a facade of strength as we don't always know how to deal with the challenges of acquaintances beyond a 'how are you doing?', 'fine thanks'. We complain about social media being superficial, but then if someone does share something that makes us feel sorry for them, there is also a sense of helplessness.
I think it would be a good idea if people found artists, writers or musicians they trusted to talk to. People that developed the skill of mixing and matching stories from enough sources to strip out identities. We do hear stories, but they are typically of outliers. People who have something really incredible happen to them or are comfortable writing their own stories. So we get a skewed view of the real struggles out there.
Perhaps the answer is for artists and musicians to get out there and do more kuiering.
I met Chen at university when she was not much older than the sister who is asking for advice. Chen, Megan and I all started on our career paths together, so it is interesting reading her thoughts in combination with Megan's discussion on 'The Art of Non-Choosing' and a post I wrote on thinking a little differently about career planning in 'Whippersnappers and Turnips'. We devote the vast majority of our productive energy to our careers, leaving some space in the evenings when we are tired and weekends for us to recover. We grab a few weeks here and there to travel, relax or visit family. So clearly thinking what work you want to do is a rather important choice as a base for happiness. Alice is the smart, accomplished, successful big sister most girls and boys would love to have to turn to for thoughts. She is an Actuary and works as a consultant at Oliver Wyman. She also keeps a blog at 'From Tofu to Fish & Chips' describing her adventures as a traveller and foodie. Her is what big sis had to say to little sis...
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When I Grow Up
by Chen Wang
"What should I study?" my wide-eyed 17 year old sister asks me as she readies herself for her final year of school. I'm the natural person to come to for advice; after all, I'm her big sister, I should know. Instead of dispensing sage advice, it makes me think, 'Who are we really?' and 'What is our identity outside our professions?' When you meet someone, you ask: 'What do you do?', 'Where do you work?' and 'How long have you been there?'
I also belong to the masses that ascribe to middle class values of a good education and a professional career; but are we missing something? Do we care enough to learn about the individual behind the uniform or just enough to assess their position in society?
No one would suggest that we have enough life experience at 17 to know who we are, so is there such a need to decide what you want to be - forever? Most people at 30 or 40 are still struggling with this; otherwise there would be no career changes or mid-life crises. I think it's unfair to define an individual by their vocation, and when we obtain that position, be it a doctor, lawyer or engineer, we extinguish the possibility of being anything else. Sure, you will have other roles to play, like being a sister, daughter or friend, but to the outside world your intellect will be framed by your professional achievements.
Nowadays there's also the constant pressure to 'Follow your Passion.' From Steve Jobs' speech at Stanford to books like 'The Passion Test', there's a constant pressure to find that one true calling you were born to follow; and if you don't know, you're not doing it right. I agree that we should do things we enjoy, and follow paths that make us happy. However, at a time when society tells us we can do anything and be anyone; no matter how much success we obtain, so much choice creates a sense of discomfort that maybe... there's something else... out there...
Instead of telling her what she should do, I want to tell her that it's ok not to know, most grown-ups haven't figured it out yet; and you don't need to be just one thing, increasingly people have numerous careers in their lives. Start by doing something you're good at, something you enjoy, and see where it takes you... but more importantly, explore different paths, find out who you are and then you'll know what you you want to be!
A pic from Chen's travels as she follows some of her own path discovering advice
In writing a blog about several topics in which I admit to being a complete beginner, I am going to have to rely heavily on the people I am writing for who cumulatively know most of what I am likely to learn already. I would love it if some of you found the time to write a guest post on the subject of happiness or learning. The framework I use for thinking about these things is what I call the '5 + 2 points' which includes proper (1) exercise, (2) breathing, (3) diet, (4) relaxation, (5) positive thinking & meditation, (+1) relationships, (+2) flow. Naturally if you would like to write about something that you think I have missed, I would love to include that too. If you are up to doing something more practical, it would be awesome if you did a 100 hour project and I am happy to do the writing based on our chats if that is how you roll. Email me at trevorjohnblack@gmail.com
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