Happy 24th Birthday South Africa

I was entering my first, post-university, full-time job just after I turned 24. I was working and studying. It was a very challenging year. The first six months of my job, I had to balance irritating my boss by asking too many questions, with not knowing how to proceed. The big difference between the work world and university, is that the problems you are solving are often new. There isn't a textbook to work your way through. I used to console myself when I was studying something I didn't understand with the fact that I wasn't pushing the boundaries of human thought. Someone had done this before. Lots of people had done this before. I just had to wrestle with the ideas until they sunk in.

Before and after work, I was still in that world. I was doing professional exams which didn't have tutorials or lessons. Just a fat stack of information to work through, and then practice exams at the end. That suited me perfectly. I am a very slow learner. I am not one of those people who are quick on the uptake and full of confidence. I would get to the office early, and put an hour of study in before the day started. Then do another hour in the evening. I topped that up on the weekends. Chip. Chip. Chip. The wall of confusion would fall... I just had to push on. I am very stubborn... pushing on is something I knew how to do. Just do the time.

At work, I was still basically learning where the toilet was. The only thing I knew I was good at, was arranging 'Tea at Ten'. Going around to all the desks to convince people to take a brief break. Tea solves everything. It took time to get into the rhythm of sitting at a desk, working away at problems with the balancing act of 'wrestling with it yourself' vs 'asking for help'. Despite being full of ideas out of university, it was a lesson that the real world and books are very different.

Free South Africa turns 24 today. It is also chipping away at problems. Its leaders are also balancing looking at Best Practice around the world, with wrestling with the problems internally. Balancing problems that have been solved, with problems that are local to the area. Problems that are new. Balancing wanting to appear confident to impress people, with the deep confusion that is unavoidable if you want to understand anything deeply. Where questions are more valuable than answers.

The key is not to panic when problems seem insurmountable. Breathe. Drink tea. Then go back to your desk, and do the work. 

Happy 24th Birthday South Africa!

Previous Messages
Happy 21st (2015), Happy 22nd (2016), Happy 23rd (2017)

Emotional Attention

Strong and weak are not opposites. One reason vulnerability is difficult to show is because it feels like the price is respect. We only have so much concern to give people. Our emotional attention is not an unlimited resource. Pity is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. So it is easier to bottle up the challenges that being strong in the face of adversity ensures. Dr Chopper prescribes a dose of Harden Up. When someone indicates they are struggling, our natural inclination is to feel like we need to offer advice or help. Sometimes all that person needs is to express that life is hard. No help is needed. No action. Just someone seeing. Hearing. Acknowledging their strength.

Ask

I find asking for help difficult. I don't know with clarity, what it is I need, or want. What is available to me? What strings are attached? What is the expectations cost of the help? I come from a culture deep soaked in the idea of self-sufficiency. I don't believe anyone is self-made, but there are many that believe they are. A belief in self-sufficiency, even if it doesn't recognise the support available, is a powerful motivator. Stop whining. Sort it out. It also shrinks the universe of options to something more controllable. Every decision is yours. My options are constrained by my abilities. Part of my resistance might come from being a guy. Delegation is fine. Help less so. Being in control of an organisation which implements decisions doesn't have the stigma of looking for support. We consciously negotiate and agree service and employment contracts. Roles and responsibilities are defined. The softer stuff is far less conscious. Asking isn't whining, but it feels like it.

Do you want some cheese with that whine?

A Good Kuier

Relationships are right at the heart of happiness. I have been lucky enough to have wonderful people in my life. The other day I spent a lazy afternoon with a friend from university. We used to have what I would call 'Red Wine Evenings' back then. The two of us and a bottle would wax lyrical about whatever was going on in our lives or how to change the world.  On the most recent occasion the wine wasn't necessary. Neither of us was in a rush and we just chatted. In Afrikaans, they call it a good Kuier. A visit would be the closest translation, but that doesn't quite capture it. Kuiering is when you are savouring time together. Someone who knows you well may ask a question that only the previous time you have had together would have given them the insight to ask.

We learn as we go. The wonderful thing about being human is we can also learn from others. The challenge is gaining access to those stories. We may open up to close friends. Perhaps we have a coach or psychologist. We can chat to religious leaders, parents or even humanist chaplains. A big part of those conversations relies on confidentiality. Talking helps but we know that part of what allows other relationships to succeed is a sense of privacy. We don't air the dirty laundry of others and trust that others won't air ours. In learning as we go, we do things that make us cringe. It is hard enough processing those things without having to explain them to others.

I think it is a good thing that we are hesitant to talk about some of the tough personal challenges we have in order to protect the identities of those we care or cared about. There is a cost though. I have learnt a lot in the friendships and relationships I have had. Sometimes I learn the wrong lesson and misapply at the next opportunity, but I learn. I would be keen to share these stories but what stops me is the ability of people to read between the lines. Carly Simon style... they probably think the words are about them. I know I am not alone in this. There are those in loveless relationships. Everyone has family issues. Some struggle to have uncomfortable conversations with the ones they care about. Other don't give those they love the benefit of the doubt. Those leaving relationships often burst with things they think they will correct next time around. A lot of people struggle in silence. Communicating is hard.

We also struggle with stories where the identity we are protecting is our own. It is easy to share a story publicly of a weakness that has been conquered. Or a strength dressed up as a 'weakness'. Like in a job interview where you say you can be 'a bit too much of a perfectionist', or 'I step on toes sometimes when time is tight and I have to get the job done'. It is tempting to maintain a facade of strength as we don't always know how to deal with the challenges of acquaintances beyond a 'how are you doing?', 'fine thanks'. We complain about social media being superficial, but then if someone does share something that makes us feel sorry for them, there is also a sense of helplessness.

I think it would be a good idea if people found artists, writers or musicians they trusted to talk to. People that developed the skill of mixing and matching stories from enough sources to strip out  identities. We do hear stories, but they are typically of outliers. People who have something really incredible happen to them or are comfortable writing their own stories. So we get a skewed view of the real struggles out there.

Perhaps the answer is for artists and musicians to get out there and do more kuiering.