Creativity and Learning

One of my frustrations with my religious roots was when I was having a conversation with someone, and the tone of their voice changed. Ken Robinson, who passed away in 2020, was one of my favourite presenters. It sounded like he was having a conversation with you. You get the feeling it is two-way, even when it is just him talking. It felt like he was also listening. 

I got really frustrated when people I was opening up to put on their “lecture voice” (it's not unique to religious conversations) or what I called the “Bible voice”. If I was talking to someone about one of the issues that I was facing, and suddenly I realised from their tone of voice, they were not listening anymore. They were telling me a story. The issue I mentioned triggered a story I had probably heard multiple times before. I was a regular once-on-Friday, twice-on-Sunday church attendee. I knew the Bible stories. 

It was difficult for me when someone stopped listening, and went onto what felt like automatic pilot. It was also difficult when I reached some kind of impasse, where the answer wasn't satisfactory, and I was still struggling. The philosophy, as I experienced it, was also antagonistic towards other world views. You do not need to explore widely, as the truth is in the Bible. I went to lots of churches, while I was growing up in Westville, although the Methodist Church and the Baptist Church were the main ones. I did not go to the Temples or Mosques. I did not even go to the Catholic Church. I did read “The Life of Pi”, and felt a kinship for his search where he did end up exploring all these various religions. I read “Sophie's World” which opened up this idea of Philosophy. Of exploring widely around the meaning of life. I loved the name Sophie. The idea of a Goddess of knowledge. At a later stage, when in the yoga world, with a new understanding or perception of what a deity is, or what imagination of god was useful for me, I chose Saraswathi. Saraswathi is the goddess of creativity and learning.

Wrestling the Truth

Through and Towards

Eternity is a concept that is hard to wrap our heads around. We think in contrast and action, and stories. Stories of change and growth. It’s the only way we can think. It can be hard to focus on life... the pulse, the signal within the noise, the process, the questions, the connection. 

There are ideas we can’t grasp and fully conquer, and questions that we will not find the answer to in any book or any particular conversation. There is a lot of uncertainty. 

As you get older, you realise that there are no real adults in the room. Even 70, 80, or 90-year-olds are just big children that experience the world in a particular way. No one's experience is the same as yours and we are all just doing our best. 

Holding Space is the idea of non-interventional listening. You aren’t listening TO construct a response. Their story doesn’t trigger recognition of their story in your story, and anecdotes from you. You allow them to tell their story without claiming it. You don’t respond to someone’s story about their cancer with a story about a family member of yours with cancer. 

Stilling your own waves, and stilling the waves of money anxiety, doesn’t always mean solving problems directly for someone. There are also challenges around empowerment and allowing people to solve their own problems. If people are best placed to make their own decisions, you want them to make those decisions. 

There will always be waves. Stilling the waves is how you experience those waves. Financial Stillness holds space for you to make connected decisions through the waves. To build through things that pass, towards what truly matters to you.

Finding Resonance

Other people’s stories make more sense to us when they resonate. When we recognize their experience in our own. We can be harsh on historic characters, harsh on our old selves, and harsh on others... distancing ourselves from them... but we can also not see them as essentially bad, but rather take every situation as how we could have found ourselves there. Find the resonance. 

There are learnings to be had in the stories of others. That is the glorious part of being human, we don’t have to wait to make mistakes ourselves... if we recognise there but for, go I. We are all human and we have a common base. Even if that base has shadows and light. “Best Practice” allows us to get quite practical about a menu of approaches to common human experiences, if we are willing to listen. 

One of the ways to take control of your career is to speak to people who already do what it is you are aiming to do. See whether the story you tell yourself matches with their reality. There reality won’t be yours, but it will resonate if you make similar choices. Find out what their days are like beyond the exciting bits that go into the sales pitch. What are their frustrations? What are the tradeoffs they have had to make? What would they tell a younger version of themselves? 

Listening to other people’s stories will help you chart a path for yourself. Not as a stick to beat yourself with, but as a guide for decision making. Being curious about stories, and histories, and lessons in different contexts can help unpack the traps in our own tangled baggage. Increasing awareness of parallel paths or obstacles we didn’t even know about.

Right Tool

Sometimes in conversation, we get confused about what we are actually doing. There is not clear agreement on “the game we are playing”. Is it advice? Is it listening? Are we just waiting for our turn to speak? The advantage of knowing what game you are playing, is that you don’t get into a situation where the games conflict and neither person gets what they are after. 

One game I call “8 Mile”, after the movie about Eminem. In it you trash talk yourself for 5 minutes, then you specifically ask people to be nasty/aggressive for 5 minutes. In a controlled setting, you go to the places you least like going. I am normally not a fan of devil’s advocate approaches, or the academic style of critique. 

I prefer a Theatre Sport approach, where you build on what the other actors do. If someone pokes you with a banana, pretending it is a sword.... go with it. Pretend too, and act like you have been stabbed. Don’t go, “but that is a banana”. 

Theatre lets us get to truths behind the truth. If people know that that is the point. A lot of the time we are playing competing games without clarity of what the point is. Of where the game is leading us. Of whether we even want to be part of the game. Different tools have different uses in different situations. Not every problem is a banana.

Wrong Tool

Receiving Advice

When you get advice, you are asking what that person would do if they were in your situation. That person is not you, and only knows what you have told them, in the way they have understood it. Once you have heard the advice, you can filter it for the bits of information that make sense to you in your world. 

A danger in giving advice, arises with the expectation that it will be implemented. That is not advice. That is an instruction. It is true that if there is no evidence that the advice has any impact, the person giving the feedback is unlikely to continue giving it. If the recipient does not seem open to it. If they are feigning interest without genuine listening or learning. There is a dance going on. 

There needs to be real curiosity, but also an acceptance that advice is autobiographical and projects experiences onto someone else. Not everything is going to land. There still needs to be clarity about whose decision it is. Otherwise, you get into a situation where responsibility does not walk hand in hand with authority. 

Similarly, when advice is being given... it is not a debate. The person listening doesn’t have to defend themselves. There may be clarity needed, or additional context required, but you don’t have to convince the advice-giver to act in the way the decision-maker would.

Oculus hoc est (1619)

Explorative Questions

Find someone who is capable of deep listening and has the skill to hold a mirror up for you in a compassionate way. Genuine listening is hard. 

I clearly speak a lot. Sometimes too much. I like expressing ideas and listening requires work. I am deeply curious and want to hear what others say, but also end up testing my ideas out loud. Getting the balance right by being quiet, asking explorative rather than critical questions, and being truly interested in what others are saying, is a form of fitness that requires exercises to build into your habits. 

Often in “conversation”, people are not listening, but are waiting for their turn to speak. Waiting or interrupting. Showcasing established opinions. When I realise I am in one of those one-way exchanges (especially if I have the self-awareness to realise it is me who is the problem), I try switch gears to limit my speaking and use more pauses. “Speaking in tweets”. 

I met Allan Gray (the man, not the company) at the tail end of his career. At the risk of name dropping, he did not know me well. He knew who I was, and we had conversations, but we did not often work closely. What was fascinating about him though, is that in almost all of my (and others) interactions with him, he was the one getting information. He had an insatiable appetite for other peoples' opinions, even if he was a famous contrarian, who put others' views aside when he finally made his own decisions.

Explorative Questions

Feedback Loop

Seek out mentors. Read stories. See what mistakes others have made. Be curious. Add a pinch of salt. Recognise that you cannot avoid constraints. You can only become more aware of them, dismantle some, and choose others consciously. You are not going to understand everything. That is fine. Every decision you make will close doors and open doors. That is fine. There is a balance between acceptance and constant learning. Returning to your purpose, your values, and self-reflection. Working on your feedback loop. Be micro-ambitious. Do stuff. Accept the world, deeply. That does not mean you are not trying to tweak and influence reality. But you need to be able to hold on to what your values are. What are your cornerstones? What is your story? What are your drivers? What are your self-imposed constraints? What are the rules you put in place for yourself to guide your decision-making? Come back to those anchors. Have people you trust that can tell you things that are hard to hear. Make sure you support their ability to tell you those things. Construct an environment in which you can thrive. 

Always Listening

 

Rippling Consequences

Westworld explores how others might have a better understanding of you than yourself. The chance, if we aren’t paying attention, that other people can see what we can’t see if they are detached and observant. In “Sapiens” & “Homo Deus”, Yuval Harari questions how willing we will be to work with artificial intelligence and things that watch us. Virginia Postrel talks about tacit knowledge in “The Future and Its Enemies”. Stuff we understand without knowing we understand. The driving force behind Adam Smith’s invisible hand. You don't need central decision-makers making complex decisions. You want to drive choice down to where the knowledge lies. We don't necessarily understand ourselves, but we are still the best place to make our decisions. Attention doesn’t scale. Someone understanding us better than we understand ourselves relies on deep listening and care. Local markets with ultra-local decision-making empowers people to make decisions. Information feeds up through the paths that people choose. Through the impact of their actions. Rippling consequences of meaning creation. It doesn't matter if we don't understand this in watered-down averages and stereotypes. It does matter to the intimate relationships that wrestle with understanding. 

Ripple Marks in Ancient Sandstone

Build Capital and Free Labour

For my Batchelor’s Party, my Best Man knew the normal ways of embarrassing me would not work. Instead, he dressed me up as White Jesus with a MAGA hat. Politically and economically, I am of the “The Future and its Enemies” (Virginia Postrel) and “The Righteous Mind” (Jonathan Haidt) school of thought. We are all best placed to make our own decisions and agreements. My main objection to the politics of the last few years is the gunk in our ears. The picking of teams. The lack of acknowledgment that decisions are complicated, and we cannot see into each other’s worlds clearly enough to make decisions for others. We can just do the hard work of breaking down barriers and building agreement. With the available resources and technology, we are in a better position than we have ever been to empower people rather than looking towards putting people in power. We are in a better position than ever to build endurance and resilience, and release each other’s creativity. To build capital and free labour. I am tired of being tired. Let’s build.

Not My Decision

First Listen

“Numbers to leave Numbers. Form to leave Form.” This is the way Josh Waitzkin describes his practice of embodied learning in chess and martial arts. Not caring about money can mean ignoring it. Which in turn lets it control you. Stilling the waves of money anxiety starts with paying attention to the rhythms. It can start with arbitrary rules and effort in areas you do not value. To get to the stage where you are in control, and move freely, there is awkward, uncomfortable, work to do. Get comfortable with discomfort. Many of our expenses have a pattern. We do not spend the same each month, but look at enough months and there tends to be a regular high and low. A range. There are also fixed expenses. Things we know in advance will come monthly or annually. Then there is the noise, the stuff we cannot control. But can plan for through building flexibility. If you get breathing space between the exhalation (spending) and inhalation (income), you can build a buffer for whatever life throws. Then you can build an Engine so you can gradually free yourself from being an earning machine. Increasing your capacity to say Yes, No, or not right now.

Time to Chew

I like to think of myself as someone who is very open to feedback. I think I search it out. A friend even affectionately called me a feedback slut. Yet, I know I also wrestle with stubbornness. Which is where my blog (www.swartdonkey.com) gets its name… stubborn, noisy, and ignorant. The nut of the issue is when my self-perception and the feedback clash. When I still feel I have the right of it, even if I don’t have the skill set to be able to articulate a path. From where the clashing alternative is to mine. We only have access to our own narrators and back stories. The feedback we get is as faulty a path. We might not even hear it in the way it was intended. Perhaps another aspect of Donkeyness is appropriate. Wikipedia says “equids evolved as grazing animals, adapted to eating small amounts of the same food all day long, traveling significant distances each day in order to obtain adequate nutrition”. Feedback and change is easier when you have faith in your endurance, and time to chew.

Equine Digestive System

Five Forces

Significant wealth is created across generations and among communities. Where there is time. Significant wealth exists beyond the world of hand-to-mouth where you consume all the excess you create. Where there is space to breathe. Significant wealth is leaky. Where there are people growing around you. When analysing a business, you don’t look at it in isolation. The “Porter Five Forces Framework” is one way of looking at where a business stands. It always comes back to supply and demand. How much is there? How much is wanted? The five forces are the bargaining power of (1) suppliers and (2) buyers, the threat of (3) new entrants and (4) new substitutes (a better solution), and (5) the industry rivalry (the competition). For anyone to do well, everyone needs to do well. That is why the idea of “self-made” is rubbish. Win-win problem solving is relationship building. Wealth creation rather than wealth extraction. It comes from listening to signals of what needs doing. Gaining the skills and knowledge to do it.  And getting it done. It comes from connection.

Human Hustle

Most of us, definitely including me, speak beyond our Circle of Competence. We extend our experience without full knowledge of the context. You don’t have to know how you did something to do it. It can be quite frightening seeing the general muppetry from “successful” people who stomp stomp stomp into other areas, once (narrow) success has inflated their Engine. What does seem to connect all of our attempts to make a living is human nonsense. Dealing with trust, interpersonal relationships, communication, and competing intentions. Another thing that connects the dots is hustle. I picked my source of income from a menu. When things didn’t go my way, I chose from a different menu. The people I admire are really good at honestly reflecting on their realistic options. Warts and all. They are good at communicating and building trust. They find out what needs doing, how to do it, and get it done. Some patience, less stomp, and more chipping away.

Welded Shut

I grew up in a culture where self-reliance was highly prized. Letting someone into the voices in your head and heart admits that not everything is under control. There is only so much energy to be allotted, and telling someone you have had, or are having, difficulties feels like a request for help. Emotional scarcity. I don’t want to do that. I want to not only deal with my share, but have some left over to be the rock for others. I don’t like feeling needy. I don’t want to let the team down. I want people to feel confident enough in me to pass me the ball. I particularly don’t like feeling disrespected. To a fault. My behaviour can be quite childish if I feel like someone is trying to alphamale me. Even more so if someone is bullying someone else. Sometimes someone caring for you feels like a form of hierarchy. When you open up, people often feel compelled to give advice rather than just listen. It can be unclear if the response then flips the tables, like by speaking you need to let the listener take the wheel because you are admitting weakness. For their sake. So, it is easier to keep quiet. A buddy of mine always used to say, “I would cry, but my tear ducts are welded shut by toughness.”

US Army Welder

Calling Cape Town

I started seeing a psychologist once a week about a year ago. I have always been transparent and honest with my friends, read about mental health issues, and have regularly kept a journal, but never actually spoken to a professional. I am a bit of a cheap bastard a lot of the time (spending is firing my money), and friends are “free”. I also worried about finding someone with a resonant world view. I know therapists aren’t supposed to bring their stuff, but it is hard not to. I eventually found someone through a friend. A South African lady I talk to once a week via Skype. It has really helped. Constructive listening where I have permission in a container to release the voices in my head and heart. “Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always”. It is hard to pick the words even in intimate relationships to be fully transparent. There is too much on the line. Having someone I can speak to in depth about anything is a real privilege.

Advice is Autobiographical

All advice is autobiographical. As we stumble through the madness, we learn lessons. These can feel like dramatic insights we evangelically want to share. Without context, the broadcasting of these views is simply telling our own story. In a transactional world, people will often pay for advice. Paying for a slice of other people's stories to mix into their own. The results will always be different.

"All Advice is Autobiographical" Austin Kleon

I am clearly noisy. I don't hold back on sharing my story. I am significantly more nervous when it comes to giving advice. I always worry about "what if things go wrong". I don't like the idea of bumping someone else's story and then them turning back at me with a glare when they crash. I find keeping a vague sense of my own control tough as it is.

I am also aware that I have no idea what it must be like to be in other people's situations. As the world stretches and we struggle to define Global and Local communities, our lives stop being replicas of our parents, siblings, friends, and elders. There are really very few people to turn to with significantly similar stories, but one step ahead. There are very few adults. We are all pioneers in a world that is changing rapidly. Work, relationships, and communities are all blowing around in the wind.

I talk a lot about money and financial security. I don't like this. I would far rather be talking about other things. It was my distaste for being controlled that led me to aggressively try gain financial freedom. My superpower is delayed gratification. If something hard needs doing, I would rather do it first. Ofen grumpily, but I will do it. With the elusive carrot of "can you just leave me alone now?" dragging me along. I looked at the menu I had, and picked the thing that would get me this freedom. I spent significantly less than I earned from as early as possible, and got my extra money a job. Until I felt like I could constrain my spending enough to let my money work, and be left alone. I love being left alone.

This is not an option for most people. I know that. It is an option for a lot of people who choose to constantly improve their lifestyles as their earning capacity expands. We live in a world in which the life you live is largely determined by the work you do. The lifestyle to which we become accustomed is determined by our work's market price. Which becomes our price is we spend most of our time working and live hand-to-mouth. Constantly expanding into the gaps. 

The harsh truth is every financial decision has tradeoffs. If you have the skills/knowledge or the capacity to develop them, then you can have whatever "thing" it is you desire. With consequences. The challenge is broadening your vision wide enough to choose the whole package consciously. No decision is isolated.

That is a problem. A bigger problem is the people who can't even get the process started. Who aren't even in a position to cut back their spending because they aren't spending. Step number one in Financial Security is finding a source of income. There is a basic amount that you need just to play the game. There are Billions of people who don't even have that. Who are under incredible financial stress that keeps them gasping for breath. Not false gasping because of choices. Gasping because of exclusion.

That is where my advice falls really flat. That is where for my advice to mean anything, I have to be asking far more questions than giving answers. I have never been in poverty. Even when I felt poor, it wasn't poor... it was just my allergy against being controlled flaring up. I had choices. I made them. 

My sense is the people who are best placed to give advice are those whose stories resonate the most. The ones whose lives are closest to those with similar problems. I love the "Humans of..." series. The more stories we make a part of our own, the more relevant the words we release. Our ears are likely to be better problem solvers than our tongues. Your answers are likely to be much closer to you, than they are to me. Close enough to hear if you are paying attention.

Tongues and Ears

Before elections in the United Kingdom, political parties release Manifestos. These are supposed to detail the mandate they are given. In South Africa, the same happens and the party then chooses members of Parliament. In the UK, a Member of Parliament directly represents and is chosen by their constituency. The step I believe is missing is how each party, and MP, will incorporate the desires of the opposition. The current method is like a Utopia Sale followed by a fight. 'Us' gets a fat 'Them' carved out... and the carcass is left to bleed out. The heart of Democracy isn't the ballot box. It is consent. It is the feeling that the Government is about empowerment rather than control. Somehow we have empowered our tongues at the expense of our ears.

Misunderstood and Judged

I hate getting things wrong. I hate being on the wrong side of people. I find it particularly frustrating when I don't think it is justified. This makes me have to work really hard at not being defensive. The easiest way around this, is not to engage with people. I love engaging with people. The easiest way around this, is to only engage with people who think like me. I love engaging with people who don't think like me. Worse is when people think I am 'one of them' in conversation, and say something where I am the judgey one! 'No! I don't think that!'. Most of us listen with little nods and ahas that signal agreement. Just listening neutrally while encouraging someone to carry on speaking, and genuinely exploring their idea is hard.

‘’Justitia’’ by Maarten van Heemskerk, 1556

Soaking Ideas

When we talk 'off the cuff', where do the words come from? Mostly fully formed sentences come out, with occasional stumbles, ums, errs, and likes... but from where? I am attempting to break out of my Monotongue English world. I am learning new words slowly, and sentences, and gradually creating webs of understanding. It takes ages for it to soak in. I think most of what we say is sitting there waiting to be said. Pre-cooked. So when we listen and act, most of us are just waiting for these pre-existing scripts to play out. It is like our body recognises the situation, and says 'I got this', then goes into automatic effort. It takes a lot of effort to pause, and say 'No, maybe this situation is new'. It takes a lot of effort for new information to soak in, connect to what we already think... and perhaps even change our minds a little.

Soak over night

One to One

I feel most alive when I am engaging with someone else. When I am having a good Kuier. I like doing my blog and recording video blogs. That is when I think aloud, in the hope that it sparks discussion and Kuiering. They can act as a catalyst to real-world interaction. That is what I love. I think I include Skype chats in real-world interaction. As a Global Citizen, I am a scatterling. Face to face interactions and hugs are a treat. The benefit of Skype Chats is the conversation is two-way. I also get to listen. Reading is a form of listening, but it restricts our view of someone to their filtered view of themselves. Listening is a revealing dance. If you fancy a Skype Chat, drop me a line.