Me. You. Us. (Kirsty & Yaron)

Trev:

Often we live our lives in parallel not sharing the struggles that affect us the most. Communities offer the opportunity for growth and vitality to people with enough in common to understand each other, but enough diversity to challenge each other. I recently joined a London group of 5 men who meet twice a month to support and challenge each other. One of those chaps is Yaron Engler. He bursts with energy, and sees the world very differently to me. With enough common fire for there to have been an instant bond. Kirsty Hanly is a friend of his. They have just started building a Facebook community called 'Me. You. Us' to create a supporting, loving, place for men and women to dig deep into the intimate relationships that hold us together, and tear us apart. I have invited them to have a chat about their intentions for the group.

Kirsty:

Hi Trevor, lovely to connect! I love what you say there about a common fire between the men in your group. I think that’s what Yaron and I were looking to create here, it’s a space where people looking to explore this subject can land together and find the common fire that allows for a supported discussion. I wanted to create a community where we can explore, go deep, ask questions of each other, share common experience and remember what is possible when people choose to live is a space of inspired connection rather than disconnection. Fulfilment and incredible sex being two of those possibilities!

Kirsty Hanly

Yaron:

The area of relationship, intimacy and sex is so relevant to everyone but it feels we need to figure things out by ourselves. It’s as if we are not suppose to talk about it. It’s like a big fucking secret. I see so many people really frustrated, angry and confused about their experience with intimate relationships so I thought that creating a community where we talk openly about these things would help people understand each other better. I know from my experience that with some practise, good tools and open communication beautiful shifts can happen.

Yaron Engler

Kirsty:

I totally agree. When I left my marriage so many people came up to me in the street or at my children’s school and told me of their secret frustrations in their relationship. It was as if my experience being gave them permission to ‘come out’ about how unhappy they were. As a therapist of course I hear about this stuff all the time but I remember being surprised at how many people who on an everyday basis would consider themselves to be fine were not having sex or the sex they would like, were desperate to be heard by their partner or wanted to leave all together but didn’t know how, or were worried about the impact on their children. And then there’s all my clients who come to see me because they can’t meet anyone at all. All those personal blocks to dating success… It's a secret minefield for many people.

Relationship Community

Yaron:

And there is no reason for it to be like that. Sure, relationship is a complex concept. I am the last one who would say that I have the cure for the perfect relationship. There is no perfect relationship other the one YOU CHOOSE TO BE IN. If you choose to be in one than show up! Stay open. Be willing to give it all and get hurt. I believe that life is about being open. Being honest. Being true to yourself. My wife knows it very well and we have the most beautiful relationship. Is it smooth and easy? Fuck me! No, it’s not! But we keep on growing. We keep on discovering. We keep on succeeding through our failures and all the mess. And all the scars that we carry on the way make us stronger. It’s because I know the power and the beauty of this path that I wanted to create this group. I am very passionate to support those who have the courage to stop hiding. I know that if you are ready to live your truth without all unnecessary bullshit and masks around it you will find magic. This is a powerful invitation.

Kirsty:

So the thing that makes the difference is having two people who are committed to that growth, then together you can journey through all that comes up. The problem is that many people are not in that space or don’t have the tools to be able to navigate what inevitably rears it’s head. If you are the one who’s doing the growing that becomes a painful situation. You cannot do intimacy for two so you either have to stay in your relationship and know that’s how it is, for now at least, or find someone who is able to speak more of your language and is open to growth and exploration. It’s not easy for many people.

This applies to us all but I speak to women here when I say that I believe that intuitively we all know what is needed but it’s a practise to enable yourself to listen and be connected to that. In her book ‘Women Who Run With The Wolves’, Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls forward the Wild Woman in all of our feminine souls - she’s wise, she’s deeply connected to nature, she’s alive and free.

"Without her, women are without ears to hear her soultalk or to register the chiming of their own inner rhythms. Without her, women"s inner eyes are closed by some shadowy hand, and large parts of their days are spent in semi-paralysing ennui or else wishful thinking. Without her, women lose the sureness of their soulfooting. Without her, they forget why they"re here, they hold on when they would best hold out. Without her, they take too much or too little or nothing at all. Without her, they are silent when they are in fact on fire. She is their regulator, she is their soulful heart, the same as the human heart that regulates the physical body."

It’s important to be deeply listening to your Wild Woman and what she already knows to be true, but so many people have lost that connection. This group is a way to explore more of who you already are - men and women - to develop a vocabulary around your needs and desires, and to learn how to enjoy the game or relationship so much more fully.

Yaron:

Yes. Enjoying is an important part of this. Relationships, as I mentioned before are too often connected to struggle. But with open mind and heart and with the right tools - all the frustrating, annoying and scary things can be converted into fun. Once you learn some ‘new rules’ of this game of relationship you start to laugh and enjoy all those things that pissed you off before. That leads to deep connection with much more intimacy and quite a lot of laughs. This is true for all those who are in the relationship they consciously choose to be in. If you don't want to be in the relationship you're in that’s a whole different story to explore. But first, you have to be brutally honest with yourself and think and feel from a clean place in your heart.

Kirsty:

And getting to that clean place in your heart is the part that most find so difficult. That's where coaching with cognitive hypnotherapy can be so amazing as it allows a working through of all those blocks to opening. All those places where we hold back, close down, point the finger at the other, and the other things that get in the way of what we really want to have happen. But it's a crazy journey. I'm certainly still on the path of learning with it all. What do you think Yaron? An endless yet fascinating exploration? As we've already said, the trick is to learn more of the game that means it can all be flowing and enjoyable, rather than painful and difficult.

Yaron:

Jane, one of the women in our macbook group wrote: ‘Ultimately relationships are an inside job’ - I love this. If we are in relationship we are always on that journey and that a beautiful thing, but the only way to make the journey more flowing and enjoyable by being honest with ourselves first. Otherwise it will sooner or later become a nightmare. And to be honest with your partner you must first be honest with yourself. Otherwise all the shit that I am throwing at your partner is a mix of projections, judgements, and withholds that you carry inside. And you’ll get the same from your partner. I have fucked up relationship in the past by not being fully honest and this is why I committed to full honesty with my wife and I do notice the huge difference in this relationship. There is nothing I need to hide. Are there no pains, no difficulties? Sure there are, but I can now face them with a smile whilst staying open and enjoy the incredible ride we are having together as a couple. It is an incredible journey.

Kirsty:

Jane is absolutely right, it’s all about ownership of your own experience. I’ve just come out of a short but super intense relationship which was an incredibly beautiful/horribly painful experience, the kind the universe drops in your lap to give you a slap and wake you up from time-to-time. The whole thing was like being in an accelerated growth chamber. Ultimately we were wanting different things in life, but I’m incredibly happy we came together as we did. The point is not that things are easy (although you know you are on the right path when it flows well of course!), but it’s what you do with what comes up for you that’s important. That goes for life generally of course, but especially important in relationships. We are all doing the best with the resources we have. What is really great is when you get a few more resources though. A few things can make the hugest difference.

Yaron:

I agree. Resources and also teachers. A few days ago I had a session with one of my teachers together with my wife. So many blocks were removed in that session. It was scary. It was powerful. It was very beautiful. I love seeing the growth that is created in our relationship thanks to the resources and teachers I find on the path. It requires me to be bold. To ask what I want. To stay strong to the challenges that keep coming up all the time. And they do keep coming 🙂. My relationship and my sex life have changed significantly in recent years in the most beautiful ways because I invest a lot in it. In the end of the day and in the end of life I will be left with the love and the connections that I have created. This is why it is so important to me to be fully honest and to make sure that I lead with my own truth of giving and receiving in the relationships that I create. I keep seeing the powerful impact of this in my life and this is why I want to offer this path also to my clients.

Religion, Sex and Politics

We aren't supposed to talk about religion, sex and politics in polite company. Things like the weather, sport (if you support the same team), business, children (if you don't criticise parenting approaches), TV series, dieting fads and home improvements make for more smiles and less blood boiling. 

The problem with this approach is that we only end up talking about the saucy stuff with people who we agree with. They recommend books by smart people who agree with us. We watch movies by people who are good at adding dramatic flair to our opinions. We build up real world bubbles. Then along comes social media and pricks these bubbles. Instead of having physical barriers and facial expressions to guide us what not to say in order to upset people, we have... nothing.

Fresca - tastes like... NOTHING!

You used to be able to be a Goth on a Friday, a Metal Head on a Saturday, a good church-goer on a Sunday and (covering up all your tattoos) a solid office worker during the week. No one needed to know about the little pockets of your life. Bubbles become more difficult to maintain when everyone has a camera and keyboard on their phone and the world is a few degrees of separation away.

A friend of mine takes a more direct approach on his blog 'Irresistibly Fish', directly addressing taboo topics. Things like eating disorders, racism, vegetarianism, marriage counselling etc. These are obviously all very core issues to 'happiness and learning', which is what I aim to write about. As are religion, sex and politics. We can't really progress our understanding of these things by only talking about them in our bubbles. But, I am more wary than Brett. I know many of my friends have very different opinions to me on certain issues. I am scared of putting distance between us if they don't give me a generous bull quota. Live and let live, and all that jazz.

In one of my favourite books of all time (everyone should have a copy), 'The Happiness Hypothesis', Jonathan Haidt aims to pull together the threads of ancient wisdom from religion and philosophy and put them to the test of modern science. It is not surprising that he followed up this book with 'The Righteous Mind' which looks at why good people are divided by the 'the things of which we should not speak'. We pretty much have to speak about them if we want to get to the good stuff. There are however trigger words which drive us absolutely nuts.

As an example of trigger words in a difficult conversation, I have been involved in a thread on Facebook of people discussing the acceptance of homosexuality within the church. Many wonderful, good people, will still frame a response as 'love the sinner', and 'don't cast a stone'. Other wonderful, good people, are concerned about a 'slippery slope' of morality falling apart if the things society accepts start changing. I was trying to understand what 'sin' means. Sin is a trigger word. Many people are likely to simply exit the conversation at that point. People start equating homosexual relationships to murder. Discussing it with one of the church leaders, I got to the point of 

'A sin is something which gets in the way of a deep and fulfilling happiness for you, your family, your community, and the world we live in.'

We probably need another word besides sin. I think that obstacles to happiness and a society that functions better is something people from various religions and non-religious people can talk about more openly. They can also disagree.

More generally, a world where we can talk about religion, sex and politics without descending into name calling is probably a better world. But if you don't support the Sharks, you are an idiot.

Normalising Suffering

One of the reasons we are uncomfortable with people sharing things that matter to them on Social Media is our inability to act when seeing a call to action. For all the accusations that people are selfish flying around, put in a situation where there help is required and they can help - most people I have come across in my life are pretty helpful. If they don't feel helpless. If something personal and difficult is shared in public, that helplessness can make us get a little annoyed. It isn't a fun feeling. Hasn't this person learnt to keep personal stuff to a small circle?

There are dedicated spaces where we feel safer, both to hear and share difficult stories. Gwyneth Paltrow, Mark Ruffalo and Tim Robbins star in a great movie about a group of people dealing with addiction. In a space specifically set up for people to share, where they receive mentorship and support, and we know all that is required is a kind word - we are okay with listening.

One of my Aussie cousins is a psychologist who specialises in people dealing with pain. He said one of the things he works on with people is the ability to accept, rather than fix, pain. Many of us have this in built call to action when it comes to stuff that sucks. I certainly fit that bill. The reason I find yoga so appealing is because it is so practical. It basically comes down to exercise, food, breathing, relaxing and positive thinking. You can do something about it. Sometimes it is not about the nail. It is just about listening. I find that really hard. I think that is part of why we struggle with sharing real life tough stuff on social media.

Why do we need to? Well although I think we are growing up, I still think there is a disconnect between the story we think everyone else is living and the story we are living. There is a wonderful movie about Alfred Kinsey. He was a scientist who studied bugs. A subject not many people follow. Then he got married and had sexual problems with his new wife. So he applied his scientific mind to the problem. The first step wasn't to have an opinion. It was to gather information and reflect life as it is rather than as we think it is. His works on male and female sexuality highlighted the chasm between the reality of people's sexual lives and what they thought everyone else was or wasn't doing. His work started conversations where people could realise they weren't weirdos. It allowed people to start sharing.

My cousin describes the need for 'normalising suffering'. Once we accept the difficult bits as part of what life has on offer, they lose their magic power. If we were able to share some of our challenging bits, along with an 'I am ok, you don't need to do anything'/'I have support, you don't need to do anything', perhaps it would be easier for others to read.

We can't be upset that social media doesn't reflect our lives if we don't do anything about it. Unless all we want is cheese with our whine.