Saturday, March 26, 2016

I Cope

There are lots of experiences in my life that were unpleasant, hurtful and traumatic. I don't believe in regret. Those dark places are part of the fabric of who I am. If you were to play history over again, nothing would be the same. Of the billions of ways things could have turned out, this is the only time it has turned out this way. Each and every thing that has happened is part of why it is so. Instead of regret, the way I try to approach it is to do something awesome. To savour the next step.

In all those alternate histories, the awesome thing I do now wouldn't have happened. The conversations I have now would have been slightly different. The way I experience things now would have been slightly different. The people I meet. The places I go.

Not regretting something doesn't mean it wasn't horrible. There are moments when people I love have been hurting deeply. Profoundly. Sobbing uncontrollably. Moments when I have been able to do nothing about that. Those moments hurt even more than the moments when I was that person. Those sections of time that seem to expand as they tear at you. That eat away at all that mattered most. Those times when time seems like an enemy. When it isn't thoughts, or actions, or problems that your mind chews on but a visceral pain. Where life hurts. It grates forward.

Grating is movement. I cope. I get another chance. I draw on the people who love me and I take another step. I don't wish those moments away. Wishing them away would wish away the moments that led to them. Wishing them away take away the world I live in. The people I love.

Instead I move on in a world I love deeply. A world worth celebrating. 

We live in a beautiful world

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