Different Questions

It is easy to paint a picture of my story that seems like it all went according to plan. I talk about Engine Building and Financial Freedom in a way that may make it seem like I knew how things would pan out. In reality, my philosophy is a work in progress that keeps requiring repair. On several significant occasions, I have had to reboot. When a door closes, my approach (once I have stopped sulking) is to try and think of something awesome I could do that I couldn't have done otherwise.

I could quite easily have still been working in a Corporate Job but for a different sliding door. I loved being an Investment Analyst. I loved studying the philosophies of the investors I worked with, developing my own, and understanding and addressing clients' concerns. I had awesome colleagues and clients, who because work dominates most of our current lives, were also my close friends. When I was at a green company, my blood bled green. When I was at blue companies, my blood bled blue. Support that verged on the fanaticism I show for the South African Rugby and Cricket teams. Although, I like to think I was able to back that (the work) up with clear-eyed due diligence and evidence.

The heart of my problem is I am not good at "playing the game". I don't detach very easily. I care a lot. I am wired with a level of "righteousness" that values transparency, honesty, and relationships more than sometimes allows me to just get the job done. And I am not always right when I a righteous. I am also installed with a switch, that allows me to get very task-focused and competitive if I put it on. A friend at university once told me I would never get married unless I chose a doormat, because she was so exasperated at my dictatorial nature. Another friend told me that I didn't care about the truth, I just cared about getting my way. I normally started incredibly inclusively and interested in feedback, but as a deadline approached I became a version of myself I didn't like at all.

I am also allergic to hierarchy. Not if I feel inspired, buy-in, and am clear on my role in something bigger. I have an inbuilt Apartheid South African disrespect for authority. Particularly the unearned kind in place because of luck, deceit, politics, or privilege. I can't stomach the ego that often gets attached to Corporate Classism where promotions come with perks and swagger, as people rise to their level of incompetence (and stop there).

Part of why I wanted to stop working for money was frustration. The more positive part was I wanted to see what life would be like if I didn't have to fight so hard against my inner demons. The things that matter to me most are learning and relationships. And yes, I don't like being told what to do or feeling like my fate is not in my own hands. Autonomy and consent are my food and water.

I hope that what I write doesn't come across as a prescribed "How to?" as if I have any idea about the problems you are facing. I write about money more than I would like, mostly because I believe that things would be very different if everybody had an Engine behind them to loosen the control money has over their decisions. I feel incredibly privileged to be in a position to choose different rather than more. Building an Engine isn't an answer. It allows people to ask different questions.

Trying a different angle