The Great Lie (by Peter Ruddock)

Guest Post: Peter Ruddock

Like Eddie Izzard, my middle name could be danger. But it is John. A few years ago the feminist in me decided that my approach to surnames had something lacking. So I started following my theory which I describe in 'Mr. and Mrs. Bill Clinton'  and regularly use my matriarchal surname as well... hence Trevor Ruddock Black. Names are important and I love being connected in that way to my Mom's clan. One of my favourite favourites is my cousin Pete Ruddock. I can still remember clearly him engrossing us with tales and silly stories as kids. I love this guy. I particularly remember him regularly including the Spanish Armadillo in his adventures. Pete has gone on to be a teacher and I am sure he keeps his classes highly entertained. When I asked him to do a guest post, I discovered he has a blog too. Check out http://vaporsinthewind.com/. Pete is a wonderful wit, and I hope you enjoy his thoughts on happiness as much as I did.

Pete amongst the Ruddock clan - he is the one in orange

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The Great Lie
by Peter Ruddock

One of the greatest lies of modern times is that happiness, like the Holy Grail, can be sought and -with the right formula, of course - found. Much of popular culture consists of some type of attempt to lure us into chasing the elusive rainbow of happiness, with promises of a pot of whatever we consider to be gold waiting at the end, if only we manage to crack the code.

Looking for the Holy Grail

We forget that the dreams they are selling are not designed to facilitate the consumers' journeys to fulfilment, but rather to line the pockets of the constructors of those dreams. The plethora of self-help books that promise fool-proof paths to financial success, or an exercise-free way to lose useless weight (lop your head off, is my suggestion), or one easy step to finding true love, or that encourage you to embrace the inner turtle of mental health - are all really about the same thing: milking the gullible.

And we lap it all up. We redesign our lives to accommodate the recommendations of whichever self-proclaimed guru wrote the book/hosted the video/spoke at the staff team-building day (conveniently bringing boxloads of his latest 34-cd box set at a once-off discounted special price, only because your company has been so supportive of him), and when it doesn't work as we naively expected it to, we are actually (touchingly) surprised. But we don't blame the salesman; instead, we berate ourselves for not following the programme correctly.

And all the while Common Sense is sitting in the corner, shaking her head. She know what should have been obvious to us all along: happiness - like the partner of the sock that went into the washing machine and never came out, or the lyrics to the tune that has been swimming in your head all day, and which are always just out of reach, on the tip of your tongue - can never be found when you actively seek it. You can only ever glimpse it when it catches you by surprise as you are focusing on something else entirely.

Source: www.thebridgemaker.com

Happiness is transient. Like a butterfly, it alights briefly on the flower of your life, delighting momentarily, and then is gone. But what we demand of Happiness is something more durable. And that is why the Pursuit of Happiness can never be successful. Happiness is fleeting by nature.Contentment, fulfilment - now those are altogether different. Happiness is dependent on external circumstances; fulfilment is determined by internal choices. I think we have them confused. What we are really looking for is fulfilment, not happiness.

Fulfilment can, I believe, only be found through an expression of interdependence in working toward a vision larger than any individual life. Fulfilment realises that - to use a Biblical analogy - we are a body. If I am the best eye that I can be, the whole body is better for it, but even if I am the best eye I can be, I am diminished if my legs or hands are useless. We can find fulfilment when we are both courageous enough to embrace the enormity of our individual potential and humble enough to realise our limitations; when we combine others' greatness with our own to strive for an impossible dream.

And that's the difference. The Pursuit of Happiness tells us that as long as we are all the eye we can be, that is enough. Maybe we just need to learn to see more clearly.

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In writing a blog about several topics in which I admit to being a complete beginner, I am going to have to rely heavily on the people I am writing for who cumulatively know most of what I am likely to learn already. I would love it if some of you found the time to write a guest post on the subject of happiness or learning. The framework I use for thinking about these things is what I call the '5 + 2 points' which includes proper (1) exercise, (2) breathing, (3) diet, (4) relaxation, (5) positive thinking & meditation, (+1) relationships, (+2) flow. Naturally if you would like to write about something that you think I have missed, I would love to include that too. If you are up to doing something more practical, it would be awesome if you did a 100 hour project and I am happy to do the writing based on our chats if that is how you roll. Email me at trevorjohnblack@gmail.com

Mr. & Mrs. Bill Clinton

I don’t know who else finds this kind of thing a relic of the past. I would doubt the two would ever get introduced as Mrs. and Mr. Hillary Clinton, or Mrs. and Mr. Hillary Rodham? I am no expert on Surnames, but I have given this question a fair amount of thought. For those who have read Ursula Le Guin’s Earthsea Trilogy, watched Romeo & Juliet, or for those who are simply used to responding to their surname, we all know that names are very important. We also live in a society that is trying to rid itself of being a `Man’s World’.

I was put in my place once, or rather forced to empathize when I was seriously asked the question of relinquishing my surname. I had thought of double barrel surnames before, but I had never thought of giving up my surname. It didn’t feel good. Yet this is what is expected of females by western naming conventions. By default I think this reinforces sexist behaviour. But is there a solution? Double-Barrel surnames become Quadruple-Barrel surnames and then resemble South Sea Island names.

Part of the problem (sic) also comes about now because women have been empowered in the workplace. After years climbing the social ladder as Oprah Winfrey, why would she want to be Oprah Steadman? A name is a brand. This is most obvious with Doctors who qualify with their Maiden Names. The thing is a Dr Meredith Grey is called Dr Grey, not Dr Meredith, so she doesn’t use her full name anyway. Some doctors use their first names and so become Dr Phil.

But… I think I have come up with a solution!

What if we kept a Matriarchal and a Patriarchal name… so my name right now would be Trevor John Ruddock Black. I could still call myself Trevor Black, or if I was in the mood, I could even call myself Trevor Ruddock. Both are my name, neither are my full name.

Now say

Mary Jane Simmons (Mother’s Surname) Seymour (Father’s Surname) marries

Trevor John Ruddock (Mother’s Surname) Black (Father’s Surname)

To become

Mary Jane Simmons (Mother’s Surname) Black (Husband’s Father’s Surname)

Trevor John Simmons (Wife’s Mother’s Surname) Black (Father’s Surname)

Without losing anything we didn’t lose before, you now have both a matriarchal and a patriarchal name. Calling myself Trevor Simmons then doesn’t bother me, since I don’t go around calling myself Trevor Black all the time. Choose the one you like. I don’t even necessarily have to change my signature (which doesn’t include my full name anyway).

Names are important. For us guys to say it doesn’t matter is because it is an issue we have never had to deal with.