Welded Shut

I grew up in a culture where self-reliance was highly prized. Letting someone into the voices in your head and heart admits that not everything is under control. There is only so much energy to be allotted, and telling someone you have had, or are having, difficulties feels like a request for help. Emotional scarcity. I don’t want to do that. I want to not only deal with my share, but have some left over to be the rock for others. I don’t like feeling needy. I don’t want to let the team down. I want people to feel confident enough in me to pass me the ball. I particularly don’t like feeling disrespected. To a fault. My behaviour can be quite childish if I feel like someone is trying to alphamale me. Even more so if someone is bullying someone else. Sometimes someone caring for you feels like a form of hierarchy. When you open up, people often feel compelled to give advice rather than just listen. It can be unclear if the response then flips the tables, like by speaking you need to let the listener take the wheel because you are admitting weakness. For their sake. So, it is easier to keep quiet. A buddy of mine always used to say, “I would cry, but my tear ducts are welded shut by toughness.”

US Army Welder