I don’t want what I am supposed to want. I have a competitive wiring, so people who have known me in previous incarnations will have seen my crazy eye when I choose to go for it. Even when my skills, knowledge or ability aren’t 100% up to the task. We back the underdog over meritocracy, or we would be wired to roll over and play dead. A school buddy teases me about shouting, “we can still win this” at 78(ish)-0 playing Maritzburg College. We lost 111-0. But when I am the me I like, I try find ways to wiggle out of the nonsense. I don’t want to play in a world where we are constantly weighing and measuring each other. In a way that stops us seeing each other. Where the quality of our lives is determined through regular sortings and divisions. Where we cut each other loose like gangrenous limbs when we can’t reach common cause. I want more than that. Part of that comes from acceptance. I know. I am trying to work out what I can and what I can’t accept.
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